A Lifelong Struggle

[gsryoga]

I have suffered from PTSD long before it was even classified as a diagnosis!

Although it's roots are based in a miserable, abusive childhood, it didn't begin to interfere with my ability to function until I was in the Navy. I was officially discharged in 1973 with what was then classified as a "Nervous Disorder," and have never been the same since.

I was only 20 and did not possess the skills necessary to cope with the emotional hell I was in, so I relied on Valium and Pot -- which I virtually smoked around the clock for the next seven years -- before finally going into a drug treatment facility. I remained clean for the following 18 years, living a somewhat normal -- if not anxiety-ridden -- life. I finally went to college and became a journalist, as I had dreamed of for quite a while. I had real good social and love lives. But my extremely high anxiety level always made most days extremely difficult.Then in 1994-95, I suffered two near death experiences within one year: an almost fatal car accident, which left me physically disabled for months, and then a near plane crash. The later finally pushed me over that proverbial line -- if you get my drift.

My condition worsened exponentially, and I just wasn't able to deal with the excessive agony. So three years later, I began smoking dope again and drinking for the better part of the next 10 years. Unfortunately, that only made matters worse in the long run, and I finally had to stop eight months ago.

I have suffered from chronic nightmares, virtually every night, for the past 15 years. I can no longer work and have gone on disability. Sometimes I am incapacitated for days at a time and have no desire to be around or even speak with other people.

When I was younger, I wasn't ashamed of having a "Nervous Disorder" and shared it with friends and family without hesitation. But I no longer trust most people with my feelings, as opening up about them has backfired too many times.

I do receive medical help from the Veterans Administration, which has always stood by my side, but therapy has not been effective with this disorder, and the medication available today is limited in its scope.

I just began a new program for PTSD survivors at Nova University, here in South Florida, and am hopeful perhaps a few people will be able to relate to me. I am clearly convinced that unless you have experienced PTSD or are a mental health professional, you can not understand it.