Shouldn't Family Support you?

[radgirl79]

Lately I've been considering cutting my sister out of my life for a while. She is a MAJOR anxiety trigger for me. She constantly tries to tell me what to do, can be downright mean and nasty, and talks bad about our deceased mother. I've stopped telling her any intimate details of my life, because she always has something negative to say about it. For instance, my fiancee and I are about to get a dog. I don't even want to tell her about it because all she will say is "You don't need a dog right now. Can you even afford a dog?" A couple of weeks ago, we had a family function to attend. She asked me if I was going to go to church with the family the next morning. I told her I would talk to Kory (my fiancee) about it, and her response was "You don't have to be attached to him at the hip like Mom was with her men!" When I told her that comment was just plain UGLY, her response was "I was complimenting you!" She is like Jekyll and Hyde.....one minute she is cool and nice, and the next minute she is berating me and saying hurtful things. I know she is family, and I shouldn't just stop talking to her, but I'm not at a place in my life yet where I can deal with her right now. Any suggestions? I've tried talking to her about this, and all she has said is "I have a husband and a 7 yr old daughter to deal with...I can't deal with your issues too!" She's so MEAN!   

[sixpack]

I have a sister who also has her own opinions on things.  I haven't cut her out of my life but we don't talk that much---it is fairly easy for that to happen as we don't live in the same state and all.  I don't think you should cut her out of your life--even for a while. Once you do something like that, it can color your relationship from now to doomsday.  However that doesn't mean you have to go shopping etc with her.  You can limit your time with her is the best route I think.

[TheCookie]

I agree with Sixpack. No matter how much your sister is a pain in the butt to you maybe in the future she'll realize that she has wronged you. Most people can only see through there problems. People who know this really well work in retail (like me) I get random people yelling at me for stupid crap all the time and I just think : maybe they're hurting too.

I hope that helped.....

[radgirl79]

Thanks for the input! I just feel like I'm at my wits end with her. I can't talk to her about it at all.....I've tried. I'm not going to cut her out of my life completely, I think I'm just going to take a break from talking to her for a while. It just saddens me that I can't have a close relationship with her....

[nyiaca]

I have a sister who is/was a source of anxiety for me also. It got to the point where I didn't want her in my life either. She is very negative, talks behind everyone's back ,and not only does she have to be the best at everything, but must tear people down.

It took me a awhile to realize this about her--I just thought I was a loser.

so I think the first step, that you know she is negative, etc. and can recognize it, is very positive. Now you can see her behavior for what it is. for me, once I realized it, I was able to deal with it better, by repsonding to her or not. You can't change people, you can only change how you react to them--I've gotten to to the point where we are closer b/c I don't let her get to me, it's not me, it's her.

I think it's great that if she says something mean or nasty you confront her and tell her you don't like it. How she reacts to that is her problem. Stick to your guns!

[Lanie]

I have a sister I don't get along with either. She's older than me by 2 years. Growing up she would either ignore or make fun of me all the time, bossing me around and even hitting me. My parents turned a blind eye to it, which only encouraged her behavior. She was a mean kid who turned into a nasty teenager and adult. Frequent mood swings, bad attitude, drugs, alcohol, moving from job to job, abusive relationships, compulsive lying...all while acting so charming and sweet to everyone she could manipulative for things. I'm the only one who can see right through her. She's caused my parents a lot of grief (and I usually have to hear them ranting on and on about her) but they still give into anything she wants. I talk to my sister occasionally through 0409 or random text messages, but I haven't actually talked to her in a long time...and I've barely hung out with her. She's destructive, and we usually end up being really passive aggressive towards eachother. It's not healthy and I prefer to be good and done with her.

Try cutting your sister out of your life bit by bit. You've tried talking to her about it but clearly that hasn't helped. Sometimes people are just the way they are, mean and spiteful people, and sometimes those people end up being (unfortunately) related to us. You don't deserve someone so negative and manipulative in your life. I know it's hard to cut your own sister off, and I think it's mostly about grieving the loss of a relationship that should have been MUCH different than what it actually is. But sometimes things can't be helped. You have done your part and hopefully in time she will realize her mistakes and maybe you two can have a good sister relationship. But for the meantime, start decreasing your interactions with her and move on.

[laa43]

I'm sorry but I don't believe that just beause one is "family" that that means they should remain a part of your life even though they are just plain mean or just plain evil. I know it's sad that you don't have the sister you wished you had however you do not have to have her in your life to the extent that you do. It is a good thing that you do not tell her details of your life....good idea.

[readingsprite]

Sounds to me like your sister is toxic to you. Nothing wrong with staying away from her for as long as it takes for either A, you to get much stronger or B, for her to see the error of her ways and reform. I don't think B is likely to happen anytime soon, for the record. But you can work on A ! And it takes as long as it takes.

[surfmonkey]

Hi rad!! Hmmm my question to you is, if your sister died would you grieve really hard? If you would then keep her around. If not then give her away. See, she said "I have a husband and a 7 year old I don't have time for you." That tells me she really isn't being a very good sister to you and I'm really sorry. My sisters are all I have and without them I'd be lost. My sister never gets along with my other sister. Never! There sooo freakin mean to each other like mean! But they love each other in the end. Once you ring a bell you can't unring it so consider that when cutting ties with blood. She's blood bc she's apart of you. Any other person on the street could never have what you have and that's a bloody bond!

[radgirl79]

Hi rad!! Hmmm my question to you is, if your sister died would you grieve really hard? If you would then keep her around. If not then give her away. See, she said "I have a husband and a 7 year old I don't have time for you." That tells me she really isn't being a very good sister to you and I'm really sorry. My sisters are all I have and without them I'd be lost. My sister never gets along with my other sister. Never! There sooo freakin mean to each other like mean! But they love each other in the end. Once you ring a bell you can't unring it so consider that when cutting ties with blood. She's blood bc she's apart of you. Any other person on the street could never have what you have and that's a bloody bond!

I getcha surfmonkey, and I haven't cut her out of my life. I don't have a hard enough heart to do it! I'm thinking what I'm going to do is just stand up to her the next time she tries to drag me down. I know i can do that without being downright mean or ugly. Sometimes I just get so tired of being the younger sister, but having to act like the ADULT and taking the high road all the time! I just gotta stop taking her crap is all...LOL. I do love her, I just don't LIKE her very much. Thanks for the input everyone! I'd love to hear what you guys think about ways I can correctly stand up to her too......

[surfmonkey]

I hear ya! I'm the baby of the family. 3 older sisters who reign supreme in that house I grew up in. Somehow I made my way to mediator and everyone was always cool with me. When I got older of course. Now maybe you could just defend yourself and be nice about it. Maybe that's just who she is? My older sister always seems like she's yelling at me but she isn't, she just has a stern personality and I've learned to work with. Just don't let her walk all over you! She's dominant but don't let her dominate you. If she's mean to you give her a reality check! She will respond with meaner comments but she will eventually go home and consider what you said. Its so tricky!

[cubmanben]

Here's the thing... Ideally, yes. Your family should always support you. It seems perfectly normal to think that your family members, being so close to you all your life should probably share similar views as you do and understand you and be there for you, but sometimes it just doesn't work that way. My wife's sister has made some very, very poor decisions with how to handle herself and her life and while in this case, it's not been a trigger for any stress or anxiety, but something that the whole family (her parents, brother and sister and her family) have all decided to just step away from. Everyone has tried to help her from ruining her life and marriage, but she just lies to everyone about what she's doing and cuts you out of her life. It's one of those things where in my sister-in-law's case, she needs to learn to help herself before we can help her and in your case, your sister needs to decide to accept you and what you do and how you do it for the way it is. Until that happens, you cannot change the way things are. You just hope and pray that eventually the light comes on for them. You may have to put some distance between the two of you now, but like anything in life, if you love it enough, you cannot be afraid to let it go in hopes that it will one day return. I hope that things work out for you!

[radgirl79]

Thanks surf and cub!     I've limited my contact with her lately. I knew I needed a break from her criticism and rudeness. Now she is making rude comments to my best friend! My best friend has been job-hunting for a while without much luck. Since she doesn't have a lot to do during the day, she spends a lot of time on 0409. Well, she and my sister are 0457 "friends", but they never talk or anything. Yesterday, my RUDE sister decided to post this comment on my friend's page: "OMG Wendy, I was looking through your history....do you do anything but play on 0457 all day?" HOW RUDE! And I apologized to my BFF, even though it wasn't my fault....because I felt bad for her because of my dumba$$ sister!I was just in shock. I think that my sister is trying to get to me through my friend. Am I crazy for thinking this? She knows how close Wendy and I are.....

[surfmonkey]

Personally I just think that's how your sister is. Maybe she is just rude. Maybe she's rude but she doesn't see it as she's doing anything wrong. If noone has stepped up to tell then maybe she doesn't realize. Plus you and wendy are close so maybe she sees it as being ok to talk to her like that

[radgirl79]

Yes, she is rude. She knows her mouth overloads her brain, but she just doesn't care. I've tried to talk to her about it several times. I could understand my sister thinking it's ok to talk to ME like that...I've apparently been her doormat for years. But not my friend....that's just a low blow!

[surfmonkey]

Yeah of course that was hurtful! It was not right to say. Maybe she feels like wendy is a part of the family to so that's why she said that?

[radgirl79]

Maybe so....who knows. I guess I'll just have to learn to keep our conversations limited, and stand up to her in an adult way when necessary. Maybe one day she'll realize how hurtful she can be. Thanks for all the feedback surf!Hope you have a great Friday!  :)

[surfmonkey]

Its such a bummer that you have to do that though. I hope you find some clarity for this. I'm always here if ya need some advice :) totally enjoy your weekend!!

[radgirl79]

You too! And thanks!