My husband is making things worse

[Charlotte]

I don't know what to do.  I have been so depressed and anxious lately.  Just when I start to feel a bit better, it seems like my husband makes it worse for me again.  He is constantly trying to make me feel guilty.  I only work part time because that is all I can handle with my anxiety.  I do all the work around the house and he does not have to lift a finger around here.  But that is not enough for him.  He complains that I do not bring home enough money.  I don't see why that is such an issue because he makes quite a bit of money and we live very comfortably.  I've told him that part time is all I can handle and I do all the housework, laundry, cooking, etc.  He tells me that I should have to do all the housework since I don't make enough money and that I owe him housework in exchange for him to let me live here (otherwise he would kick me out).  Even though I worked full time for a long time, and paid for much of the house and everything in it, he insists that everything is his and I have no rights.  Even when I worked full time he expected me to do all the housework and he did nothing.  He complains about everything I do, even though I am trying my very best.  He rates my meals, from 1 to 10, and no matter how hard I try, I can never make a meal that rates a 10.  He complains about our sex life, and how I am not good enough in bed.  Whenever I go to visit family or friends, he tries to make me feel guilty about not spending the day with him.  When I do spend the day with him, he just ignores me and goes to be by himself.  I just can't seem to live up to his standards.  Nothing I do pleases him.  I've tried turning to him for comfort when I've gone through periods of anxiety and depression, and he just says, "Yeah, yeah, I'm sick of hearing it."  Whenever I have an opinion about something, and want to discuss it with him, he blows me off by saying, "Blah, blah, blah.  Just shut the **** up!"  It seems like my anxiety level rises when he gets this way, and I'm getting more and more depressed.  I'm scared to think of the future.  I have some family and friends who I am close with, but I am afraid that in the future, I will have no one because I can't rely on him.  I am scared that he will follow through on his threats to kick me out.  Please help, I don't know what to do.

[ladyK]

 Hi Charlotte:

I can only say one thing, honey, run, run as fast as you can away from him.  The man is a bully!  He does not respect you and he will not be there for you no matter what you do.  He is chipping away at your self esteem and making you second guess everything you do.  A man who loves and respects his wife/gf does NOT treat her in that manner at all and nor should you accept that kind of treatment. 

I hope you talk to someone whom you trust: a friend, parent or call a women's help line. You will never be happy in the life you have with him.  I would suggest counselling if you think it would help or if he would attend. 

As far as depression and anxiety, no wonder your depressed and anxious!  You are in a bad place in your life.  I wish you luck. You never said if you had children or not.

There are many people here who can help.  Keep posting.  We're here for you.

Take care, ladyK

[FALCON z]

It's time for a change.  He's not helping your condition.  I'm not a professional but counselling is a recommendation.  If that doesn't work you need to think about your priorities.  Mine would be my own health.

[lt33]

Hi Charlotte,

I think your husband is being extremely cruel with you, in every possible way, and that he has many issues to solve. On his own. I didn't understand if you like him much or not, but even if you do, sticking with a person who treats someone like he does would make you very, and unfairly, miserable. He'll soon have a go on all your self esteem, and I don't anyone would deserve such relationship. Please keep posting and don't accept him to do that to you.
Personally I think he just wants a punching bag, not a woman to love, and I hope you'll manage to get out it soon, even if it's hard for you to do it now it will most probably be the best thing for your depression and anxiety. In little time your perspectives on things and yourself will improve dramatically.
If you love him all the same, it will be difficult for you to consider separation and divorce, but there are moments in life in which one must recognize what things are, and you simply can't conform to what he is and how he treats you, staying in such relationship would wreck you. You don't need that.
How can someone supposed to care for you say and do things like that? Whatever his problems is, it surely is a lot worse than your anxiety disorder, don't let him get to your mind and think otherwise.

Wish you the best luck, hang on tight and think positive, you can change that and get much better soon.

[Celine]

Get away from that jerk as quickly as you can. If my husband were like that with me and my problems I never would have survived the situation and likely would not be here typing right now. I just sent you a reply a few minutes ago to another post you made asking for advice. I won't repeat everything again here but I shared what helped me and you can go read it in the general anxiety section when you get a chance if you are interested.

[elisee]

I am so sorry to hear how tough your home life is.  I had never experienced any lasting depression or anxiety until after my wedding.  My husband acted very similiar to yours.  I left him after three years of marriage, that was four years ago.  I've never fully recovered from all the damage of the constant criticism I endured.  I understand your fear completely but it is very important that the both of you understand the role his behavior is playing in prolonging your illness.  I highly recommend he attend some kind of counseling with you.  My husband enjoyed the opportunity to tattle on me to my therapist.  It helped my therapist get a much better sense of what my life was like.  The nature of abuse is to hide everything and sitting with him in those meeting truly highlighted how dismissive and cruel he was to me.  It helped me to get the courage to leave and although my life is still rough, I can promise I would have killed myself if I had stayed.  I was terrified of him and felt utterly trapped.
It has taken me years to recognize that my day to day life was abusive.  I still like to think that my husband had no idea what he was doing to me and if he knew more, he wouldn't have focused all his anger on me.  I hope that leaving isn't your only option but I also know how incredibly difficult it is to explain your illness to those around you.  I also learned the hardway that some matches are particularlly poor.  Someone prone to depression is at the complete mercy of someone that needs to control, dominate and win.

[lt33]

to mourn the living is sometimes so hard as to mourn the dead, but there are times in life one must move on instead of continuing to live as if we were dead. Living with someone who makes you miserable, either in the name of love or for not wanting to be left alone, is to accept to live half dead.
There's lots of fish in the sea, and if the one you have is rotten, things can only get better. Sorry for putting things this way, but you will never be happy nor properly loved if you don't care about yourself enough to move on. It's just my opinion, but people who treat others bad should be completely disregarded. Maybe hitting the wall again and again will open their eyes, but while they don't they'll hit everyone they can, and loved ones are the usual target. Bad people's actions should never be tolerated.

[Celine]

If he's willing to go to counseling with you that is probably worth a try. But only if he goes willingly and does not have to be dragged there.

[apple]

Hun I do feel your pain.  I was in a very similar relationship with the father of my daughter.  At first it was just the emotional abuse...didnt even realize it was abuse.  Then it got physical...he would hold me down to yell at me and then he started throwing me around.  I started having panic attacks daily.  I had a psychiatrist that told me to leave him and I would do well.  Finally when he threw me when I was pregnant I found my strength..it was my baby or him.  Stupid it took that for me to leave.

I went to therapy every week for a year, repairing myself worth and learning to care for myself and prevent myself from returning to that relationship or beginning a new one with the same kind of man.  My panic attacks became so few after that.
I am now married to the most loving respectful man.    He is my rock and my best friend.

Get into some counselling hun.  Once you get yourself right you will know what to do with this relationship.

[theunrealme]

apple:   Counseling. If he isnt willing to try counseling, print out this thread and give it to him, since he doesnt want to hear from you how unfair he is acting, but maybe if 15 of us on here tell him that, maybe he could somehow, WAKE UP and reconsider and attempt counseling.

My husband and I went to counseling about 6 months after my official diagnosis of gad with panic and it helped. I also gave my husband lots of information about it so he could deal with me.

As far as household chores, ect. I would go online and get quotes on housekeeper, chef and household manager and show him how much these jobs cost per week. See if that will be over the amount of what you make part time! HA    Also, when he rates your meals, have a paper that says how he rates as a husband....0-10   

You should not have to put up with his behavior. I know there are always two sides to the story and your probably not perfect but none of us are and what you need right now is nurturing and loving and he is not giving you that right now. But, I know how hard it would be to leave like a lot of people have posted, it's not so easy. Especially if you really love him, hopefully he is willing to want to change for the sake of your marriage. Please, start with counseling and then see where things are in a couple of months. In the meantime, try focusing only on your health, anything negative coming out of his mouth, change it to something positive in your head, "I dont believe that, I am an excellent cook"..................good luck,,,,,,,,,,,d

[conquerer]

charlotte,
when you married, didn't the pastor (or whomever married you) say to love one another "in sickness and in health"? he made that vow and he needs to stick to it, and if he is not willing to then maybe you should consider other alternatives. i don't know your situation completely, but i do know that he is only going to prolong your anxiety and depression if not escalate it even more.

my advice to you would be to start doing some things to build your confidence and self-worth - start exercising, eating better (not saying you need to!), take a class at a local college, learn a martial art, yoga, tai chi, get a makeover (not saying you need one!), volunteering, take a cooking class (again, not saying you need to!) etc etc. you will be amazed at how much better you will feel about yourself and the independent confidence that will form. and the outcome could be one of two ways: 1. he could see how well you are doing and gain more respect and love for you. OR 2. he could get worse, but with strength and courage and confidence you could move on with your life and it could be better than ever!

I know it's tough right now, but just have faith...there are brighter days ahead no matter how dark the outlook may be right now.

blessings,
conquerer

[Celine]

Good idea theunrealme :)

[~Maria~]

It is scientifically proved that the body is made up of energy, there for conducts energy and gives off energy. If your husband is this cruel no wonder the energy of the environment you live in is making you sick and anxious! My mother has a similar relationship with my father who she is still married to after 30 years of constant criticism and the environment us kids grow up in damaged us all. She has never gotten over her anxiety and i am scared that one day i am going to find her dead! It maybe hard to cut your ties from the man you love but living with the damage will possably be much harder!
I hope you can find peace and a safe energy to heal in!
m~

[Celine]

Charlotte I hope things have gotten better for you or that you have moved on. Please let us know how you are doing. I've been thinking about you :)

[FALCON z]

Charlotte hasn't been back the forum since posting this topic.  I hope everything is working out for her.

[Celine]

Thank you for that update Falcon, I hope things are working out for her and that she comes back here for further support if she needs it and hope the reason she has not been back is that she is doing better now but that is a difficult situation to be caught up in.