self sabotage

[lt33]

Hi,

Dropped on two articles I think to be worth sharing:

Stress and Self Sabotage:Are You Creating Additional Mental Stress For Yourself?
http://stress.about.com/od/selfknowledgeselftests/a/self_sabotage.htm
(Are you the victim of self sabotage? Sometimes we shoot ourselves in the foot by reacting to stress in ways that cause even more stress!)

http://www.topachievement.com/guyfinley.html

[King]

Great info lt33. Kind of like an on-line self-CBT approach.

Well worth reading, thanks.

[lt33]

My pleasure!
I did know of relationships self-sabotage, but didn't understand how insisting on doing everything I want and feel I should do is actually making things worse, and I fail to do most of it all the same. Anxiety Disorders get to one's productivity a lot, and from that to feeling guilty for doing little...

[NightOwl]

This is basically my current problem.  I am in a long distance relationship, never met her, etc...  I probably have spent 25-30 hours tlaking on the phone to her in the past 4 days.  I was very happy.  But today I woke up feeling totally empty.  And I automatically assume that is related to her and that it must mean I don't love her.  And today we both were more bored on the phone.  But when I try to think why I feel that way, there is no reason other than he rnot beinhg here in person really.  I am sure we ahve talked way too much on the phone also, but then if we tlak less I am depressed about that too.  And like that first article mentioned, I basicalkly self talk to myself, whether it be in my dreams, when lying in bed restlessly, etc...  So I come up with all of this crap which I have no proof of.  I know she cares about me, but then I actually truly start doubting it all from crap that I assumed in my head.  Then I took this out on her when she did not do ANYTHING wrong.  This is upsetting me that I am risking pushing her away based on me not understanding why I am depressed.

I have always been depressed, but it started getting MUCH worse after a couple months withh this girl.  Thus now any time I am depressed I automatically assume well it MUST be something about her or me not loving her.

Relationships are so ahrd.  It makes me sad.  She tries everything to let it be more relaxed and show me she cares and I am sad that I keep pushing her away. 

I need to somehow stop sabotaging this.    And I need to find out what is too much talking on the phone, what is too little, how to be happy WHEN NOT talking to her, how to accept that she is who I want instead of wondering every day, and just... I dunno....  I was so happy for days so I don't get why this is even happening other than maybe I kind of started getting more addictive where when I am not tlaking to her I am tense, waiting on her to call or something...

I am glad this relationships area is separate now because so many of my issues are related to a relationship.  I maybe should have made this a separate topic, but self-sabotage is definitely going on with me, so I just mentioned it here.

[NightOwl]

A lot of stuff throughout pages linked to on that site are things I VERY much need to work on.  I do practically all of the 10 worst ways of handling a conflict and I also am either passive or aggressive most of the time, rather than assertive.

[lt33]

The good thing about self sabotage is that the more we know it, the more we can control it. When we realize we're doing it, we can fight it back instead of fighting ourselves back.

[NightOwl]

I sabotaged even more today though.  The more I know what I do wrong, the more I still do it, it seems. 

[lt33]

I imagine it can take some time to manage, like everything else. Have you tried the writing therapy?
If you do it and get what's in your mind to writing (for you alone, independently of forum participation) you'll be developing skills to detach from yourself and that will help you. We become more aware of ourselves and understand more easily why we do things. It's different when you put it on writing. And keep in mind you can do it. It won't happen if you don't. Instead of thinking "always the same" mind that you can change things.

[NightOwl]

Yes I have been writing my thoughts a lot lately.  It does seem to help, but I am guessing it would be a while before it could possibly have a lasting effect.  My problem is I go to bed fine and thenw ake up bad.  It is really disappointing and crushes me.  It makes it hard for me to keep fighting this when I work all day to get myself feeling happy then wake up feeling depressed and not even sure why.

[lt33]

My patern's like that, I handle the day as good as I can (with difficulties) and only feel good a bit before going to sleep. The writing therapy works with me, it's not magical, but it sure helps getting some inner peace. Try sticking on to the thoughts and plans you do when you feel good when you're feeling down. It's the kind of reasoning that allows us to skip some of the bad moments negativity. We feel it all the same, but at least we have an idea of what's going on and where we stand.

[NightOwl]

That is the most difficult part.  Remembering the good when feeling bad.  Soooooo tough.  Almost feels impossible with me sometimes.  I keepw aking up feeling bad several times, tossing and turning. And I am starting to consider maybe I should get up and move around to remember dreams aren't reality or something.  I dunno. 

My situation is really a combination of me self-sabotaging a relationship plus her truly doing some things that are not right.  There are a lot of complications and I just wish the negative would stop and the positive would last longer.

My obsessive thinking is ta huge hinderance.  Even if I am waiting on a phone call, I sit here feeling bad, thinking I can't do anything while waiting for hours on one.  I have some weird thing where I am uncomfortable doing other things if I think the phone may ring.

[gloomy]

I am guilty of self sabotage definately.  I also have some other issues to work on because of how I deal with conflict.

[NightOwl]

Same here.  Plus anyone I ever date handles conflict horribly also, which is not a good match....

I am subconsciously trying once again to sabotage.  I wish I could stop thinking about the relationship at all EXCEPT for her good qualities.  Because otherwise I overexaggerate and worry and panic and keep wondering if she is right for me.  I wonder about that so often it makes it where I am forcing it where she wont be right for me!  She cares so much about me too!