Trying to find non-damaging ways to relieve anxiety

[lost_in_translation]

Hello

In the past month or so, I have been seeing a new therapist. He is awesome, and I can feel that I am actually getting down to the real stuff. It is just the beginning with him, and I know it will be a long time to get through everything, but it is the first time a therapist has been someone I felt I could really truly trust. This is a VERY new feeling for me.

So, the problem is this. Now that this therapy is working...I am having some huge shifts in my perceptions. This is good, I know that it is, but it is also making my anxiety a lot worse. I am working with him on being able to acknowledge it, and learn to be with it and to be present and aware of what I am feeling. I am really opening up a lot. But to both good and bad things. Feeling this anxiety fully is becoming a 24/7 thing. I feel it constantly now...in my chest, my stomach...everything is tingly and my chest is tight and I feel like I have butterflies, like I am nervous to perform or something. I am also disconnecting from my life...my husband, doing anything other than focusing on myself and processing what is going on.

I am not working right now, except for myself - starting a business, so I don't have to "go to work," but there are things I should be doing. We are moving soon...I should be packing and cleaning. I should be promoting my business, I should be doing some reading assignments I have...I can't do anything.

I am worried, and starting to think about going back to cutting myself. I have not done it in over 5 years, and when I've been close to doing it, I've found less harmful and less noticeable ways to relieve the anxiety...like pinching myself, or something like that. If I were to do it, my husband would see, and he would be very upset. He knows about my anxiety, he knows all about what I'm going through, but he doesn't know it is at this point. I'm terrified to disappoint and upset him with new cuts.

I can't think of anything else I could do that would feel the same. The thing about cutting that helps is two-fold for me. For one, the physical pain distracts me from the emotional pain. It pulls my focus for a while, which helps and gives my mind and heart a rest. It helps get rid of the wrenching pain I get in my chest. It also feels like I'm letting out the pain....draining it away. It just makes me feel calm afterword.

The only other thing that does this for me is having orgasms. Found this out the other day by accident when I was trying to distract myself from looking for a knife. It definitely worked! But obviously that is not so practical...

I am determined NOT to do it...I just wonder who has a practical alternative to this...one that doesn't require an empty house and electricity:)

[KP83]

I understand how you feel, as I used to cut as well.  I understand what you mean about the pain being a distraction.  As far as that element goes, maybe a rubber band pop?  I have not cut in about 6 months, and at times the urge was very very strong.  I have tried to resist any pain inflicting behaviors though, as I think it is not a healthy way to cope.
Another way to distract yourself would be deep breathing exercises and visualization exercises.  You could also try going for a brisk walk or doing exercise.  Maybe the adrenaline rush that happens during strenuous exercise would have a similar effect.  Maybe weight lifting or something where you feel a burn (painful? right?) would help?
Another thing that I have heard recommended for individuals who cut is to draw red lines on your body with a red washable marker.  I have never done this, but I guess it beats actually harming yourself.

[GreenThumb]

I used to cut as well and I know what kind of release it can be. I find that when you get the urge to hurt yourself it really helps to do some type of vigorous sweaty exercise where your whole body and mind has to concentrate on working - currently I use an elliptical machine for 30 minutes or so 3-4 times a week and having that regular "release" is really great.

I don't cut any more, and I'm not sure exactly how I stopped - it's been five or more years. I think I just got to a point where I wanted to heal and get better and take care of my body instead of punishing it for things that weren't even my fault. Once you start loving yourself and your body more, it's harder to do those kinds of things to it possibly? It's great that you're seeing a therapist because hopefully you will be able to learn healthy ways of dealing with strong or scary emotions - ways that don't involve hurting yourself. I think that is what ultimately made me stop cutting - realizing that there are other ways to deal with powerful emotions.

I look at all of the scars on my arms now and wear them as a "badge of honor" almost - a difficult time in my past that I was able to overcome and grow from. They also remind me, though, that I would never want to do anything else to hurt myself like that again. My anxiety makes me worry so much about my body and health as it is - that last thing I need is another reason to freak out!

[lost_in_translation]

thank you both:)

I have tried exercise...it doesn't really work for me. I think I need that part of it that is transformative...seeing the cut there afterwords. Somehow maybe it reminds me that I feel better than I did before it was there? When I start to come back from the calm place...the cut is still there like a marker of how my anxiety has improved. It sounds crazy written down like that...but that's sort of how it works for me.

I may get a tattoo. A permanent type of reminder. The scars are there on my arms forever...but somehow the more they fade the less they work to remind me. I almost want to get a scar tattoo over the real ones... like a frankenstein, stitched up cut. My therapist would not be supportive of this idea, I don't think, though.

Now that I think of it, the thing that I can envision working best for me is to get a dog. I am a positive dog trainer, and can't have a dog at the moment, but am trying to convince my husband that it is therapeutic and important for me. When I am with dogs, working with them, or just being with them, my anxiety goes away. It gives me something else to focus on, and to care about, and to work on. It is like magic, to help them learn, and see them figure stuff out. It is sort of like being a therapist for dogs, really. I love to see them "get it" and become eager for more. I desperately want one, and have an empty place in my heart. I just don't know how to convince him, or anyone else, that this is VERY important for me...not a luxury or a whim.

We can't afford it right now. We are really financially strapped, and relying on family to help us through. My husband is most likely going to be working soon, hopefully, but I really don't know how long it will be until we are able to support ourselves completely, PLUS pay for a new animal in the house. We have two cats now, but as much as I love them, they don't fill the space for me that a dog would.

Ugh there goes the ocd again....can't stop typing!!!!

[GreenThumb]

You know yourself better than anyone else - if having a dog is that good for you, you deserve a dog! It's awesome that you have something that can make you forget about anxiety just like that - for me it's gardening.

I'm sure that perhaps local shelters may be able to help you find a dog that may not break the bank - maybe they would be willing to make an arrangement where you volunteered so many hours at the shelter instead of paying the adoption fee? Or you could be a foster parent to a dog that needs rehabilitation?

It has helped me so much to have things that I look forward to with "positive" anticipation and energy, instead of "negative" worry and dread. That way if I'm having one of those days and working myself into a frenzy, I can tell myself to just stop, take a deep breath, and consciously decide to start thinking about what makes me happy - in your case, you could focus on the pup.

Good luck, you're never alone here!