Bad depression!!!

[utbutterfly28]

I don't really know what I am doing here and what I am going to say, but I need to find somewhere to vent and try to get things under control.

I am 28 years old, a single mom, I have several medical conditions that stop me from being able to work.  I have great parents that help take care of me, but that makes me feel like a piece of crap because I should be able to be living on my own and taking care of myself.  I have been living with daily pain since I was 4 years old.  When I was 7 I was finally diagnosed with Juvenial Rheumatoid Arthritis.  I couldn't do the normal kids play because I would hurt for days after and miss school.  When I got into junior high it started getting worse.  I couldn't even participate in gym class because if I did I would be in bed for a week, swollen and in massive pain.  Then when I was 16 and a junior in high school and looking forward to prom I was having major abdominal pain.  I missed a lot of school.  Finally I went to a ObGyn and he did exploritory surgery.  He found that I have Vericous Veins of the abdominal wall.  They told me that the only thing they can to is treat the pain or to a total hysterectomy and I couldn't have kids.  I was crushed.  I obviously decided not to have the hysterectomy because I have always wanted to be a mother.  So every month I would be doubled over in pain and have to go get a pain shot.  I ended up missing a half of my junior year and my prom.  I continued school from home.  I really started to have depression hitting me at this time.  We finally got the abdominal pain under control and I was able to start back to school the next year, but living in a very small town, I endured ridicual and teasing beyond belief.  The boys would ask me if I had AIDS.  The girls spread around that I had a baby and gave it up for adoption.  My self-esteem fell so far that I hated myself.  I hated going to school everyday.  I wanted to drop out.  My parents of course wouldn't let me and tried to help me as much as they could, but they didn't really know what they could do.  This school was the only place I could go.  There wasn't another one within 100 miles.  Once I graduated from high school I thought everything would get better.  It didn't.  I went to college and did pretty well.  I got engaged and left school.  I got a full time job in a retail business where I was on my feet all day long.  I got married and things were going good.  Then  the bombshell hit.  I had a major arthritis flare up that had me in the hospital.  I had a fever of 104.3 and was swollen from head to toe.  My husband freaked.  We had only been married 2 years and he didn't think he could handle it.  He ended up filing for divorce.  We were having major family trauma caused by a fued between 2 of my brothers.  I got divorced and then 15 days later my brother was killed in a car accident.  I thought my life was over.  I cried all the time and I didn't want to live without my brother and best friend.  I started trying to find love in anyway I could and I thought that I had found it.  Well then I got pregnant and he turned and ran.  I have felt so worthless and hopeless since then.  I haven't been able to work since 2000.  My arthritis has gotten really bad and we haven't found a medicine that helps stop the swelling and pain.  Then in 2003 I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia because they pain was getting so much worse and more intense and in my muscles.  I have a 4 year old daughter and I can't work and support us.  My parents have been great they try to tell me not to worry about it that they don't mind.  But I can't get past feeling like a mooch and a huge burden on my parents and my family.  I have tried to work, but I end up having to quit within a month because the pain is so bad.  I find myself crying and irritable 95% of the time.  I get upset with my daughter and raise my voice to get her to listen.  Then I feel like a failure and the worst mom possible.  I apoligize to my daughter and she says it is ok and I feel worse.  My 4 year old shouldn't have to deal with a mom that is so horrible.  I have never actually hit her, but raising my voice at her is bad enough.  My doctor hasn't been able to find the right antidepressant.  We have tried several.  Then within the last 8 months I have started having major painic attacks.  I feel out of control and like I am going to die.  I feel like such a failure and so worthless.  My doctor has been trying to convince me to apply for Social Security Disabillity, but that is such a smack in the face.  I don't want to live off the government and I don't want to live off my parents.  I hate this.  I don't even know what to do anymore.  I often feel like my family and the world would be better off without me in it.  I have never actually attempted 0119, but it has been so tempting.

Sorry for this horribly long, sob story of my life, but I didn't know where to go and I needed somewhere to vent.  If you have any advice I would really appreciate it.  Oh and I have been seeing a theripist, but that hasn't been doing much good either.  If you are still reading, thanks for listening.

[apple]

Hey I've been there...I had endometriosis and was supposed to have a hysterectomy when I was 18 years old, doubled in pain constantly, listen there is hope...I was the same way with my first daughter and my fiance left me 8 months pregnant (he found a skinny woman and left then wanted me back after I had her and was skinny again) I suffered some more and was told to have a hysterectomy again at 24, I refused again because I wanted another baby, I did and then I was ready to do the hysterectomy and my doctor wouldn't do it...so I found a doctor who did.  Your depression is probably not chemical, life can make you that way.

I went on anti-depressants and behavior therapy and my now husband is always here for me supporting me, he loves me because I don't give up and I am a fighter.  Your child needs you no matter how you are,  Usually the people who keep struggling to fix it are pretty good parents.  Understand that when you feel like they would be best without you, you are wrong...its the depression, over the problem you can't control.

I  lost jobs also in my life but the best job is getting well for my kids, they may grow up and end up with the same heath problems you have,  your job is to keep fighting and find what can help you so you can help them if god forbid they suffer just like you!!!

Look under my medication table-different kinds under the medications and therapy on this forum. It can get you looking in the right direction of medications to help you until you find help with the other problems you have.

I sit here and remember when all I could do was play with my daughter at 3 years old on the couch because I couldn't get up,...those were the best times of being close to her I never could have got at the park.

You can get there, I did...and my daughter is now 10.  Her and I are still closer than most people because of the bonds we shared when I was weak.  Weakness is only terrible if you don't make the most of what little strength  you have.

Trust me...life dished you this to give you the opportunity to give your child the virtue of compasion and love.

[jackson312]

I hate that I'm so late in posting a response.   I have not had the physical pain you have endured.  I don't want to minimize it, but here are a few observations that came to me while reading your post. 

I suffer something awful from depression.  I always feel sad.  I can't say some days are better than others, but I can say some days are worse than others.  I also suffer from Anxiety and fear.  My mother used to say "Trouble always comes butt end first."  Unfortunately, I sometimes feel the whole world is mooning me.  And it has hurt every relationship I have had.  And I hate it.  Enough about me.  I can worry about me (and usually do) anytime.

You're a mother.  I'm a father.  Your parents have you as a daughter.  I know where your parents are coming from in getting you any help they are able to.  So do you.  It is what you and I would do for our children.  Here's something I hope you will do (and probably already are) for your child.  Take the best care of yourself you possibly can, seeking whatever help may be available to make your road easier.  Do this so you can stay on this earth as long as possible with your child.  Do what you can to feed your soul along the way.  By this I don't mean churchy stuff, unless that does it for you.  What I mean is laugh, sing, paint pictures, grow flowers. participate in a support group... online if you have to.  There are various support groups that meet over the phone once a week, and others that happen online.  Have friends over for delivery pizza, make some friends to have over for pizza.... whatever.  I paint pictures.  They are absolutely horrible, but I get a real thrill from just the activity of painting them. 

About Social Security, and your feeling failure about seeking this kind of support.  Don't.  As a card carrying contributing participant in Social Security, it would be my pleasure to think just a tiny bit of the money I pay into it might possibly help you.  Almost like I was your godfather at large.  There are other resources that Social Security offers in addition to the shamefully small monetary support.  Medical care and Medicine assistance are two that come to mind.  Assistance for you to help your child may also be available.  If you haven't already, please take advantage of this so I'll feel better as a contributor.  (It is ALWAYS about me!).  You're not a failure.  You're one of us.  And you're good.

I hope in your lifetime good cures or at least good treatments will be found for both Arthritis and Fibromyalgia.   

Take care of yourself.