Intrusive thoughts 'pure O'

[kaybeelouisa23]

!Hi im currently having intrusive thoughts about 0119  :(what im finding distressing even typing it causes me great discomfort and fear! I hate talking about it in case it pushes me closer to it etc typical OCD as well where i debate with myself do i want or!? And then freak out horribly in my head! i was wondering if anyone else has been in the boat or is in this boat of panic and horrible vile intrusive thoughts?

[ohmama222]

Hi Kay,  I am not sure exactly what your IT's are but I sure can tell you that you aren't alone.  They are just thoughts.  I have had this on and off for 20 years and I have never acted on 1.  It sure is scary though.  You think you are going to lose it. I am having a bout of it myself right now.  It's better to face those fears head on to realize that you would never act out any of them. 

the people on here are friendly and extremely helpful so keep coming back for support.  Take good care of yourself and remember they are just thoughts!!

[Pat]

Hi, I have intrusive thoughts and am thinking about treatment. Right now they have upped mmyd dose of paxil

[louloubell72]

hello Kay
Not sure what your obsession is about but like others i have had many and none of them are enjoyable at the time. I have had an awful fear of harming my baby since her birth and it spiralled out of control so i took myself back to the Drs and was sent to the shrink again 
Its all just terrible fear of what i may be capable of and total panic! I think, well, i am 38 years old, surely i would know by now if i was a monster.  As we know the argument with yourself can continue FOREVER  I am still working on this obsession(nearly 3 years!) i have good days and bad ones but i think not as bad as the beginning. I find the book brain lock very helpful. Not sure if i am allowed to say that as new to this site 

Kay you are welcome to pm me if it sounds useful to you

Louise
x

[ohmama222]

Hi Lou Lou!!  I sure have been there.  I had my son at 38.  After I was done breastfeeding the monster came out for a visit.  Now my son is 4, healthy and thriving.  I myself still struggle from time to time.  Like right now.  You are not alone!!

[louloubell72]

Hi Ohmama 

It does feel like you are alone with it though doesn't it sometimes. I am lucky that i have a understanding partner and a very good female friend.  Some obsessions feel like dirty secrets, you feel so ashamed of your thoughts that i imagine being locked up  .  Without these people in my life who love and accept me and remind me its OCD (i know, reassurance is not good for us) i honestly don't think i would have made it after having my child.  You always here of cleaning obsessions, etc so i never recognised this as OCD. I just thought i was a monster and should be exterminated(i know, a bit heavy but the truth at the time). It has taken many Dr's and shrinks and psychologists and many books for me to realise that this obsession is extremely common but just not spoke about much.

I dont know about you guys but i have been told for years that this obsession is to do with my low self esteem.  Its quite hard to raise esteem though when you are having such negative thoughts about your self.  As long as we all keep working at it i am positive we shall get there in the end 
I wonder how many people have obsessions that they cannot talk about through fear of rejection? It feeds the obsession i think. What do you think?

[ohmama222]

Hi Lou Lou,  I started having intrusive thoughts when I turned 20.  I remember being in a store and out of no where I got this strange thought and that started this 20 year struggle.   I never told anyone my thoughts. I told my mom that I had to to go the hospital cause something is very wrong. They put me on Prozac and the thoughts were disappearing.  I had break thru anxiety through the years but nothing I couldn't handle.  I knew it was some sort of anxiety but I didn't know much else. 

When i had my son, they started again.  I ended up researching them and realized there is actually a name for these things.  I was so relieved that it wasn't just me. I found it it on post partum website.  I learned that they were just thoughts and I would never act out on them.  Doesn't make sense to me but it must to my crazy wired brain. 

My friends listen but can't empathize so there are very few people I can talk to about it.  And again I don't want to scare them off.  It is sort of my little secret I guess...one that is consuming my life right now.  I can't even go to my job at the moment.

I do feel alone with them.  Mornings are horrendous at the moment.  I really can't function.  I can't believe such a gentle soul like myself can have such evil thoughts.  I am open with my husband about it but it's still mortifying.  I never heard this was linked to low self esteem.  I don't think in general I have low self esteem.  I am modestly confident about myself...lol.  Very laid back for the most part.

[eduk8or]

I can echo a lot of what ohmama said.  I started having intrusive obsessive thoughts after having my first child.  They revolved around harming myself or my loved ones.  They have made me feel terrible because it is so out of my normal character.  I started taking Paxil, but that didn't work so well for me so right now I am in the process of switching to fluvoxamine, a different SSRI.  The most important thing to do with OCD is to remember that thoughts are just thoughts and just because you ahve them does not mean you will act on them.  Also YOU are not your OCD.  Many people have the same types of thoughts we do, but they do not obsess over them after they have them.  If you can just try to accept the thoughts and let them go, they will not take control of you...

[ohmama222]

Hi Eduk8or!!  It sounds like the switch is going well.  What do you have 5 mg of Paxil left? GOOD FOR YOU!! Have you noticed any major improvement with the new med you are taking?  I upped my Paxil to 40.  I take my 30 in the morning and the other 10 at night.  Don't ask me why...lol.   I am going to see if this can get me out of my funk.  It's so bad right now I have to set goals for myself to accomplish during the day.  I am a fighter and will get there!!  One way or another.  )

[louloubell72]

paxil? not sure i know that one.  I am currently taking sertraline and clonazepam.  Really want to come off them even though i am not quite there yet but i really want another child  Not sure if that is madness but i hear my tick tock very load and am running out of time. When i feel ill with it i think 'no way could i handle another child' but when i am coping i want another and i want my daughter to not be alone.  But my shrink thinks it would be too stressful for me at the moment.  I hate taking barbiturates, as i know i will struggle coming off them.
The funny thing is edukor is that when i am well i can see its just anxiety but sometimes before you know it i am in the middle of my own lonnnnnnnnnngggggggggggggg argument again     .
As for the self esteem ohmama222, i know this definitely is part of my problem but of course i don't know for anyone else.  I only found out i had this illness a few years ago and like you i looked on internet and found the same obsessions and read a few books then i seeked help.  Its sad really cause i have spent years seeing different therapists(started at 18yrs old and now 38) and its only now that i am getting treatment for the right thing.  I have heard this is common when it comes to ocd.
And yeah    i hear you edukor about not being ocd. I am having trouble even accepting it in the first place!

Advice from therapist regarding thoughts are to attach no emotion to them and watch the thought disappear in a bubble or something and then stay in the present(mindfulness) tell yourself what you are doing in the present and do something you enjoy when having the obsessive thought. I sometimes get mad at the thoughts and tell them to f-off  it works sometimes but before i know it i am on to health anxieties     

Are you mainly on your own in the morning ohmama? or you and your son? I find being alone with my daughter the worst times. I make myself go out and mix with people so i can normalize my thoughts and see that i am socially 'normal'.  Its always the more gentle nice people who suffer with this and usually very intelligent people isn't it? Do you know what it is about the morning that triggers the thoughts? Lack of sleep does it for me and feeling guilty for feeling resentful towards my daughter sometimes cause of the demands all day and not being able to sleep enough  I feel terrible saying that but i have been told by many mothers that this is very common as being a mum is stressful so anxiety levels are high a lot, especially when they are small. Do you spend a lot of time on your own with your son?

[eduk8or]

ohmama,

Last week I was at 5mg of Paxil, this week I am at zero.  I see my psychiatrist today to talk about how things are going, so we'll see if we keep the fluvoxamine at 100mg or what...  Things have been going o.k.  It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be to wean off the Paxil.  The first week was the hardest with all the dizziness and nausea, but after that  it wasn't so bad.  I am so sorry to hear you are still struggling, but I KNOW you will overcome this bout.  You are STRONGER than the flippin OCD, but gosh I wish I was there to hold your hand because I know just exactly how it feels!!  Hang in there!!

Louloubell,

Are you in the UK?  I think you are right that it really helps to get out and be with other people.  Whenever I feel like I am really obsessing I try to get out and do things where I will have to interact with others.  When I am teaching, it's not hard as I have to go to work everyday, but in the summers when I am on break and home with my kids, I call up some friends and ask if they want to take the kids to the beach or something so I can have some distraction.  Mornings are the worst for me as well- I don't know why.  Usually by afternoon I can feel almost normal, but mornings?  UGH!

[louloubell72]

Yes i am in UK  where are you from?

Its quite weird but my partner has just explained my anxiety cycle as he just got in from work and i had just had a bad spike with my daughter  feeling terrible and started questioning myself as usual asking is this true, am i in denial, blah, blah, blah and then trying to do what i have been taught but feeling that i am kidding myself as i am just a sicko. Anyway, he came in from work and he said that he knew this was coming as i have been on a health anxiety one for the past few weeks(i constantly check i am not jaundice, ask all family and friends and poke my liver area til it hurts  and then think i am dying) I then have a big spike with my daughter (not really the cherry on the cake) and then my self esteem hits the floor and then i slowly climb back up to rational thinking for a week or so if i am lucky.
Does any of you have a pattern that you recognise or anyone who knows you recognise? I am worn out with this constant question for 3 years! Am I or aren't i a monster.  ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...... ....................................... ..................

Sorry, not light hearted but having a bad day 

[eduk8or]

louloubell,

I am from the U.S., Wisconsin to be specific.  I'm not really sure if my anxiety has a pattern that I or others have noticed.   I do notice it tends to bother me more around the time of my menstrual cycle, but that's probably a whole different story.  Trust me that you are NOT a monster!  I know the intrusive thoughts make you feel like one, but youy have to fight right back at them.  You really don't want to let this pull you in to depression as well.  Have you done any Exposure Therapy with regards to your OCD?  It is scary, but it really helps tremendously.  Exposure therapy is where you purposely expose yourself to the thought or thing that bothers you the most.  For example, I do not like handling knives because I am afraid I might 0672 or one of my family, SO, my therapy is to purposely cut something up (an onion, vegetable or fruit) while a loved one is standing near by to purposely make myself feel uncomfortable and face my fear.  I am to do this over and over until eventually the thought loses its power because I know I will not do what I am fearing.  Another thing is to make a loop tape in which you describe in great detail actually doing the horrific thing you fear.  You are supposed to listen to this tape over and over again until you no longer fear it.  It is called habituation and is supposed to be very effective.  If you are in therapy, you can ask your therapist to do this with you or I have found a really good workbook on amazon.com called "Getting over OCD: A 10 step workbook for taking back your life" by Jonathan Abramowitz.  The only bad thing about doing the workbook is it takes a lot of time and motivation!

[louloubell72]

Thanks Eduk8or

I like the idea of exposure therapy but with the obsession i have i don't think this is possible.  Gosh! the very idea sends my anxiety through the roof! I will look into the book though, thanks.
I used to have the thing with knives years ago  i did not know what was happening to me and just thought i was dangerous.  I can see now what was happening and it was all about fear of hurting someone and seeing danger all the time. I just can't seem to except that this is the same as the subject is sooooooooooooooo dark.  Not sure if you are understanding my obsession?  Don't really like saying it in case someone believes me  The sad thing is my therapist is going to finish our sessions soon as its nhs and there is a waiting list so i am taking up there place.  I am not sure what i thought of my therapist really as she is too new age for me, but on the nhs you don't really get much choice.
How are you getting on with the exposure therapy?  Pretty intense but hopefully good results.

[eduk8or]

I probably understand your obsession well as it has to be one I've had before,  I'm sure.  The exposure therapy now is more on an "as needed" basis since I did most of the worst of it a few months back, but I still have to use it on occassion.  The thing it has mostly helped with is to just not fear the thoughts or have them make me get really anxious.  I don't think the thoughts willever totally disappear, but at least I am not crippled by them anymore.  It is a horrible thing to feel like you might hurt your children when they are the most important thing to you in the whole world, but as my therapist pointed out, OCD likes to hit you where it will hurt the most...

[ohmama222]

I am starting a partial hosp. program tomorrow.  I can't get this under control and have to do something.  Don't ask me how I am going to get ready at 6 in the morning to go there but hopefully God will be there for me.  )  I will be there from 9-3 for like 5 days.  Problem is that it's 40 minutes away from home and I am too scared to drive at the moment.  I guess there are groups all day and a Psychiatrist that meets with me every day so maybe they'll do something with my meds.  Ughhh.  I am trying to be very positive about getting out in the morning cause this could really be the turning point I need.

[louloubell72]

Thanks Eduk8or, I hope you do know what i mean.  I have looked at these type of forums for agees and have always wanted to talk to someone who has had same obsession. Would you mind if i pm you so you can say for sure. Might sound weird but i am the only one i know with this one presently and i want to hear someone got through it.   Is that re assurance seeking  maybe, in a way i guess.

Ohmama, I think it will do you good if you have no structure to your current life?  I used to go to a day hospital years ago here in the UK and we had all sorts of classes including relaxation,  art, group therapies, cooking, outings, movement classes and a few more. i found it very helpful as the whole having somewhere to go everyday gave me purpose and concentrating on classes made me focus on something else. Also being monitored by Dr's, etc was good as they could see if you needed something else, like different therapy, etc.  Can you not get help with travel where you are?  Can you get a bus or train? Good luck with this Ohmama, it might be just what you need 

[eduk8or]

louloubell,
Yes, PM me!  We can talk!

ohmama,
Good for you  in taking this step to get well!  Let us know how you are doing!

[ohmama222]

First day went well. I got my but out of bed really early and was ready before my ride got here.  YEAH ME!!!  Met with the Psychiatrist and sat in different groups today. It really helped more than I thought it would just getting out and having some structure.   For now he wants to keep me on 40 MG of Paxil and my Ativan as needed and see if there is an improvment I will keep you updated on my progress!!

Lou Lou, I have had some extremely dark IT's so let me know if I can be of any help.

Thanks for all your Support!!!

[eduk8or]

So good to hear ohmama!  What kinds of groups did you get to sit in on?  Any good tips to share?  I am wondering if your anxiety is so strong right now because you bumped up to 40mg of Paxil?  Mine always seemed worse after an increase... anyway congratualtions for talking the bull by the horns and doing wht you need to feel better!   

[ohmama222]

My week at the therapy groups have helped.  I can feel my anxiety going down a little.  I think it's mostly that  I have to have structure in my day that has helped the most and the distraction.  It's nice being around people that understand.  I only have a few days next week and then I am done.  I can't think of any great tips that haven't already been said on this forum.  He wants me to start Klonopin in place of the Ativan and we are talking about a low dose of Abilify.  That kind of scares me.

[eduk8or]

I have clonazepam ( the generic of klonopin) to help with anxiety on an "as needed" basis.  I can take .25 to .5 mgs up 3 times a day if I need it.  I used it quite a bit when my anxiety was really high and before my SSRI kicked in last August, but haven't used it too much since then, just here and there.  My psychiatrist also suggested I try Abilify before I switched from Paxil to fluvoxamine.  Like you, I was afraid to try it, so I am the one that said I would rather try a different SSRI before I tried the Abilify.  If the fluvoxamine doesn't help me much, I might be right there with you.  Please let me know how it goes for you and if you like it/it helps.  I am so glad you are getting support in the program you are in.  Hopefully you will be back on your feet agin soon!  Hang in there!!

[ohmama222]

Thank you!!!  I am going to try the Klonopin starting tomorrow and see if it lasts longer then the Ativan.  I will keep you posted. 

[louloubell72]

Hi Ohmama

Its really good to hear that it has helped you having structured days.  I guess it is something for you to think about when you are at home maybe? I am on clonazepam twice a day 0.5mg and i have found this very helpful with anxiety. I wish i had been advised to take when required as now i will have the problem off coming off them.  At the time though you just need to do what helps you manage and then cross that bridge when you come to it.


Louise

[shaznay]

Hi there

I am new to this forum (joined yesterday) and am finding it reeeeeeally useful...especially this thread re Pure-O...Like louloubell I fear that my intrusive thoughts are worse than anyone else's and I have real trouble in writing them down let alone saying them!  Mine started when I broke up with my one and only long term boyfriend nearly 8 years ago (I can't believe I have been suffering that long!)...although thinking back I have always been a 'little OCD', this experience just exacerbated it all I guess...I also think I was a little obsessed with this guy too.  We were together 2 years until one day I woke up with the HUGEST anxiety that I didn't really love him at all...after a month I finished with him (figuring I wouldn't be having such negative thoughts if he was 'the one') and, looking back, he wasn't for me, but at the time it was so scary to suddenly have these unwanted thoughts.

Since then I have had huge anxiety about relationships, meaning I have never really got 'off the ground' with anyone, most recently having met a lovely guy who I followed the usual cycle with, which was gutting...I always end up more anxious than before, finish it, and then (my main intrusive though) convince myself that I must in actual fact be gay...I have had HUGE anxiety about this for a long time...thing is the other day it kind of clicked and I thought 'you know what, maybe I am' - no anxiety, no fear, just acceptance and I thought I would explore whether I could be gay, straight, bi or even none...No sooner had I done this, after a day of feeling good/positive about my future my latest intrusive thought occurred which is absolutely hideous and I have spent the last week tormenting myself with it...even when I feel positive and free of it I test myself to see if it was real, and back it comes...when it does come it overwhelms me and I can't function or think straight - and question question question, coming to the ultimate conclusion that I am the thing that I fear most and find despicable and am actually just in denial, I don't have OCD, I'm simply a sicko and need to be locked away.  The thoughts and the images are so AWFUL, and I feel like 'how can I be thinking this - this must be who I am'...I am hoping it is my mind/OCD telling me that it is 'true' and that when I feel better I will realise it's not, but the thought of it being true being so scary actually keeps it there I guess.

In terms of treatment over the years I have tried counselling (which included a bit of CBT, but I never really kept at it I guess - always expecting instant results and giving up when they don't happen), meditation and mindfulness (which I have just started up again as I have found it so useful in the past), hypnotherapy (also very helpful but I can't afford to keep going) and homoeopathy (didn't really do much for me).  I'm wondering now if I should see my GP and see what they suggest, I am willing to go to a psychiatrist if that's what needs to happen, but I guess I'm scared that my doctor will be one of those who doesn't take you seriously and that will knock me down further...it's also hard to admit that I might be like this forever, I don't want to be   I have considered asking my GP about medication, but my personal feeling about taking it is reluctance and that perhaps it might just mask the problem and it will pop up again further down the line (god forbid even worse)...

Anyway, apologies for the long and rambling post, but I noticed the last threads were quite recent and what louloubell said about the intrusive thoughts being ones that nobody else had intrigued me as to whether it could be the case for me.

Wishing you all luck on the road to overcoming OCD x