My little story of GAD and abusive relationships

[Phalaenopsis]

Hey there,

I'm pretty new to this whole topic. The last three months were hell. Since I am a little child I have nightmares and I was always a very thoughtful person. I think my first phase that I really felt sad and alone was when I was eight. I was a good student but suddenly ( well, my parents got separated at that time) I was really afraid to go to school.  A few years ago this reapeted. When I was in 12th grad I freaked out almost every morning because I was so afraid. But strangely I didn't realize that this was anxiety.

By the way I am now 20 years old and study social science. Oh and I'm german, that's why my grammer and spelling might be wrong, ut I try my best 

Anyway,  sometimes especially during my teens, I had really sad phases, but they lasted always just one or two months. After one of those phases I was happy and life loving again. Now three month ago, nothing special happend, my nightmares became so bad that I had them every night. After a few weeks I started to feel this anxiety also at daytime.
Suddenly strange thoughts and pictures appeared in my head ( " What is if this persons jump in front of the train"). I got scared really easy and that was really new to me. Nervous Feelings and all the typical symptoms.

Last week was really tough and I think it was the " Highlight" so far. I was so anxious all the time. It stayed with me for 7 hours up to 1,5 days. When I have Anxiety, my head can't stop thinking and I have still so often the feeling to go insane. I couldn't get out of the house in these hours and stayed in bed because I was afraid if I leave my home other people could see that I am crazy. This week it is a little better but stil, I can't trust myself anymore or at least I have the feeling.

I was two days in a hospital this week and the doctor said it is probably an depression and GAD.
I feel really alone, even so I have friends, but I just don't feel like we are on the same level anymore.
I'm afraid I never will be happy again.

My main problem is that I hold on tight to my ex-boyfriend. If I have a good day and I have contact with him and he reacts in his typical why, I fall back in this deep whole. It was my first relationship and we were together for 2 years. For over a yera now we are separated. I broke up, because I couldn't handle anymore this situation. My rational me knows that it was/ is an emotional abusive relationship. But I just can't let go and I still think he doesn't want to be that way.
He always pretends that my head is making everything up... I don't even know why I'm writting this right know...maybe I hope that someone had similar expiriences...

Well so much for now, I'm happy that I found this side.

Phalaenopsis

[FeelingOptimistic]

Hi Phal,

Plenty of us here know what GAD and depression feel like.  I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time right now. I think you will find this site a place of comfort and support, I know I have. 

As far as your relationship, you said your "rational" self knows it's abusive.  If that's true, as hard as it is, try to break from it at least until you get the GAD under control, then you'll be better able to know whether this relationship is good for you, or not.  Relationships are hard to begin with, let alone when one of the people involved had GAD or whatever.  There's a great deal of understanding needed on the other person's behalf.  Be true to yourself.

Glad you're here!
Feeling Optimistic

[sixpack]

Hi Phal,

Plenty of us here know what GAD and depression feel like.  I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time right now. I think you will find this site a place of comfort and support, I know I have. 

As far as your relationship, you said your "rational" self knows it's abusive.  If that's true, as hard as it is, try to break from it at least until you get the GAD under control, then you'll be better able to know whether this relationship is good for you, or not.  Relationships are hard to begin with, let alone when one of the people involved had GAD or whatever.  There's a great deal of understanding needed on the other person's behalf.  Be true to yourself.

Glad you're here!
Feeling Optimistic

I agree with FO

and your english is quite good.  I never would have thought it wasn't your first lang.

[tigerpaw]

I know you will find lots of support here. Let me remind you you can access the Chat Room, and talk live to some of us here!  A great resource for you. Also you can post your favorite picture in the Members Gallery. Lots to do here~