I'm afraid to get close to people

[Amanda80]

I am generally an anxious person but I also feel like I have some social or relationship anxiety. Usually I am ok meeting people and talking to them, but I can't seem to get past the surface. I've let some long term friendships wither away, and I haven't replaced them with new friendships. My boyfriend is my best and only friend. I feel so dysfunctional and don't know what I'm doing wrong. I feel like I'm nice to people, I engage them and try my best to be a good friend, but nothing ever seems to come of it. Does anybody else have this problem and what do you do about it?

[sparklet2379]

I can totally relate to this problem.  I barely have any friends at all and just like you, my boyfriend who I've been with nearly 10 years is also my best friend.  I wouldn't say that I'm a quiet person, my problem is that I just don't know what to say to people...not a good conversation starter at all.  I don't know if it has to do with my anxiety or my personality.  I find that I'm just not able to keep in touch with people I guess.  I think I'm a very nice, kind and fun person and don't know why I'm unable to keep friend relationships either.  I don't really have any advice for you, but I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone!

[MrBBB]

I have that problem too and I think anxiety has a lot to do with it. When I am anxious it is very hard for me to think of things to say, I am always too focused on what the other person will think of me if I say the wrong things, have bad body language, etc. The 'what if' type thinking really takes the enjoyment out of trying to meet people. I have this irrational fear that if I get too close to someone they will just end up thinking I am not worthy of attention.

[surfmonkey]

Same problem here. My husband is my best friend. As a young adult I should have tons of friends but I don't. I need to feel safe and if I don't feel safe I won't get close or open up. I noticed by not having friends I have nothing to say to anyone so starting a conversation is sooo hard! Am I suppose to talk about the weather? Sometimes I do.hahaahah you guys aren't alone

[Smoky Jo]

Hello,

I have a similar problem, I just don't seem to let people into my life.
Something I wonder if I don't want them in my life, or is it anxiety protecting
my ego. Pretty tough to describe what actually is going on.
Stay in touch and let me know what you are doing about your situation, it may shed                                                                 some some insight to my problem.

Once again hello...take care

[Amanda80]

I don't want to let anyone in either. It's hard, especially when you are an adult and everyone is sort of set in their world and ways and aren't looking to make new friends. I've tried coworkers, I've tried to talk to neighbors, none it works. I guess I have to give it time since I've only lived in CA for less than a year, but it sucks. I guess I also need to stop comparing myself to others and making myself feel bad. It's just so hard to figure out what the real problem is...

[surfmonkey]

Ahhh amanda I do the same thing! Like, I find that I compare myself to other people and it makes me feel so bad! I compare the fact that all of my older friends have tons of friends and they go out and they go to school and have a job but I just sit at home with my dog. It makes me feel so bad but I can't stop. Surfing is the only thing that helps. Do you have anything that helps you escape?

[Amanda80]

Well this forum is an escape, also Internet browsing, reading, going out to places with my boyfriend, eating out. But none of that helps me to make friends, except for the forum. I don't know what else to do. I've explored meetup.com groups, but I never quite muster up the courage to go. The idea of facing a bunch of strangers, even friendly strangers, is at best really uncomfortable, at worst terrifying.

[surfmonkey]

I find those are usually all I do but there isn't much help. I wanted to start a poetry group but I dk. If noone comes I'd be depressed. Especially bc there's noone to invite. Why are you specifically anxious? Like do people just make you scared or you just have no idea what to say?

[Amanda80]

That's the thing, I'm not usually scared of meeting people or making conversation. Ever since we moved to CA a year ago though I've been much more anxious and depressed, I feel crowded in living in the sprawl and the noise and the traffic. My general level of anxiety being higher makes it harder for me to face new people, I guess. And I can't move for at least another few years so that isn't a solution. Maybe I just need to be patient and let myself adjust, and then making new friends will naturally follow.

[surfmonkey]

Well it sounds like you don't belong where you are. Just because you moved there doesn't mean you belong there. I've lived in florida my whole life but this city drives me insane and I don't belong here.it makes me so anxious. If your anxious where you are then maybe try to adjust slowly ya know? It just sounds like there's to much going on and you just can't and kinda don't wanna grasp it?

[Amanda80]

Yup, that pretty much sums it up. I've been taking meds and that has helped a great deal, and just trying to have some perspective and remember that we're not going to be here forever.

[Lanie]

I have a similar problem. Throughout my life I haven't had many friends - just a small circle of close friends that have been replaced through time. I'm always really surprised to meet people who are still friends with those from their childhood and teen years. I have no contact with people from my elementary school...and I have actually pretty much distanced myself from those from my junior high and high school years. I haven't spoken to my old best friend in over a year - I was tired of her just using me for company. I miss her more in the sense of not having a best friend, because everyone around me gushes about how great their best friend is all the time.

I have a few close friends, all from college. 1 moved far away (I consider this friend now to be my best friend), 2 I don't hang out with much because I am always busy though I really regret it, 1 I have become really close to over the past year, and 1 I wish I was closer to but I hate to say it but sometimes she really annoys me...And a few others I really wanted to get to know better but out of anxiety/depression I never did. It sucks. I blame myself all the time and I feel like crap, but I can never seem to be a good friend to anyone... 

I'm moving away in the next couple months and I don't know how I am going to keep in touch with my old friends and make new ones. I always try to make a positive spin on any thread I reply to but for this one I just can't  I have no solution, I'm sorry...

[surfmonkey]

Lanie, I don't know you and to be honest I don't care how sad you made your replys. It brings me joy to talk to someone who is sad because I feel like we all need someone sometimes. We can't shine forever! I had 4 very best friends. 2 were from elementary school. 2from middle school. They all moved away :/ they never keep in touch and it hurts a lot. One is a pathelogical liar so I stopped speaking to her. One does a lot drugs and I'm sober now so that was the end there. The others just lost touch. If you love your few friends just call or txt them and let them know you haven't forgotten about them! I wish my old friends would. New friends will come when its time and until then, just stay productive with the happiest things possible :) I wish I was moving :/ I'm stuck in a town where everyone is toxic! Noone can be trusted.

Amanda, if the meds are helping then I think that's freakin great! I'm afraid of medicine so I really commend you. Its hard to feel anxious and sad and have not many friends. Cling to the best things in life!

[Amanda80]

I do try to look at the best side of things and keep a positive outlook. Happiness is a choice. And most days I choose to be happy, but there are some days where I lose track and forget to make the right choice. But then I come to the forum and read your encouraging thoughts or talk to my boyfriend and that puts me back on track.  So thank you for that.

The meds have really saved me here. I think if the situation were less stressful I'd be able to get by without them, but as it is I need them to keep my moods and anxiety steady. I had an issue with being on meds for a long time but finally just realized that there is nothing wrong with treating a chemical imbalance, it doesn't make me weak or lazy.

[surfmonkey]

Well I think you make an extremely good point that happiness is a choice! I've never heard that and I really think was an awesome point. Your lucky you feel you have the choice because most days I don't have a choice. I get what I get. I also think that you should never consider yourself lazy from any problem your having! If you know your being lazy you can fix that but a chemical imbalance is not laziness! I remind myself of this often! I don't have a job but not because I'm lazy. I remind myself its because my husband doesn't want me working at night and at night is when I function better. Do you have a drive for anything? Anything that just says "damn this makes me happy?" Anything that's yours alone? If you do then take the ball and run with it until you collapse from exhaustion in the best way possible! I like to write poetry but I stopped that because I have noone to read it so now I surf again and I throw every piece of ambition into it! If you ever need an encouraging word I'm so glad to dish them out. You have your head on straight! Don't let it slowly roll off my friend

[Lanie]

Thanks for that support! I appreciate it.

You are right, happiness is a choice. And so is staying productive. I am glad you  both have significant others who love and support you. That is so important when things hit rock bottom. And to know that "chemical imbalance is not laziness" as surfmonkey said. There's enough stigma as it is without us beating ourselves up too!

I like to write poetry and stories too, but I don't do it as much as I would like to. I like to read self-help books, play with my cats, and check out the newspaper and interesting magazines...so I keep busy Also, I found out today that I am definitely moving, so tomorrow I plan on doing some research into what kind of things I can get involved with when I move there. I am scared of moving...but I don't want this depression and anxiety to push me around when I'm there! I really want to live my life and stop being afraid

[surfmonkey]

Hey lanie :) how are you today? Use this moving as a gift! Let this be a great clean fresh start! I would like so much to move but I'm starting ged classes soon and a drive to the beach is like 7minutes. I just have to be here for now. So jealous your moving :) in this new town you can make new friends! You can have a new place where noone knows you and just start fresh! Its a fantastic opportunity for you! I'm actualy thinking about starting a poetry club but what if noone comes? Ill feel so stupid that strangers stood me up! Maybe try getting into activities that you feel safe with that are involved in the community. Great way to make friends. I've often thought of maybe being a mentor for children. Just spending time with them and being a safe place for them but my anxiety won't allow that. Maybe you could do something like that? Maybe take those cats to the movies? :) if I could take my dog you better believe we would be at the movies every friday! You say you can't seem to be a good friend to anyone? Why do you think that?

[Lanie]

Hi Surf! I am doing well today, thank you. I had a bit of a panic while researching the new city though - I started off fine but then I ventured into a "staying safe" and "crime statistic" frenzy. I am always paranoid of being a victim of a violent crime, even though it has never happened in my life or to anyone I know actually. I know where this fear stems from though. I am so obsessed with safety that I plan my routine carefully beforehand and always think of worst case scenarios that can happen...I know that the city will be a clean start and that I have a lot to look forward to when I'm there, but this darn anxiety holds me back sometimes. I feel better now though after some good old fashioned positive self-talk and deep breathing exercises.

(LOL to taking my cats to the movies - one probably wouldn't mind but the other would be a nutball all over the place LOL)

I plan on spending my initial energies getting to know the neighborhood and finding a job after I move. Once I get settled in and feel more safe, I'll branch out into (hopefully) some sort of social circle. I'm not really looking for a relationship...I'd like to make some friends first and get to know people. I just really hope all of this works out! and that my fears don't overwhelm me.

Being close to the beach must be nice! You mentioned you would be surfing in the other thread, so I hope you have fun this weekend. As for the poetry club, I'd say go for it! You never know until you try. You may find students who would love to share their work with each other. Even if it doesn't take off, you may make friends along the way. If you ever need some pointers on how to start a student club, feel free to ask =) I was in several at my college.

In terms of the friends thing, I think it's my low self-esteem kicking in...I just don't think sometimes that I have anything to offer someone. Also, when my anxiety/depression/isolation bug kicks in, I run and hide from everything and everyone I know. I have a few friends in my life that have stuck by me and understand, and they are the most WONDERFUL people in the world. I don't want to lose them, which is why maybe I'm even more anxious about the move. I've never been told by anyone that I'm a bad friend, which I suppose is a good sign I take my friendships to heart and very seriously. I'd take a bullet for my friends, they mean the world to me. That's why I think it hurts so much when I lose touch with people or friendships fall apart.

At least I'm not doing it alone, that my mom will be with me. She's not the best for my mental health at times, but she's the only family member I'm closest to...so I'd rather have her here to move with me than doing it by myself.

[surfmonkey]

Seems like maybe one of your cats has anxiety to? Lol. Your being pretty positive and that's great! I can relate to you so f-in much about being a victim to a violent crime! I seriously plan and stake stuff out first! I trust noone! It sounds like you and I would be pretty good friends.haha we could be paranoid together.hahahah. I relate so much to you about how dear your friends are. I make friends for life not for a year. I will bend over backwards for the ones I love. taking a bullet for a friend, that means you have everything to offer a friend! Don't ever think you don't! With anxiety I feel like noone will want to be my friend because I'm so paranoid and that may make me boring. If people don't like then oh well.  Your mom going with you is great!!! You have a piece of comfort to take. I was actually worried you were doing this alone until I read that. You can do anything on your own but a companion never ever hurts :) once you get settled in and find a job then making friends will be a bit easier I think. Not having a relationship is sometimes a good thing. You have one pace and you stick to that without anyone possibly getting in your way! Not until you feel your ready. I'm married at a young age because I found someone who's just like me. Were chill and we don't want drama. He's my friend :) as for a poetry club, I'm still on the fence. I don't have friends really so I don't know who or how I could come up with people. I'm just being nervous I guess? Surfing sucked today! No waves at all! Florida sucks sometimes.lol as I was surfing a man invaded my space big time! He was trying to whisper to me about his son (who I was trying to teach how to surf) and he was in fact drunk and he just got so close and put his hands on me and I just got so scared. He was nice but he just got to close. Twice he did this! I told him not to touch me and he looked confused?! Now I'm just remembering why I stay away from people. I remember now why I can't stand most strangers. This is why I have no friends!

[Lanie]

Hi Surf, sorry it took me a couple days to respond...I haven't been feeling well lately I feel slightly better today though and trying to keep that positive attitude up. I guess we all have bad days and that's okay

I understand completely about the paranoia. It's hard for me to go places with my friends, espcially if I think they might be dangerous or difficult to get to/get out of. For example, yesterday I went out to this new coffee place to meet two of my friends and I got lost twice. It absolutely sent my anxiety into high gear (when I get lost, I get panicky and then really angry because I feel trapped and unsafe being lost). I need to feel like I'm in control of the situation and completely safe. Or else my thoughts race and I feel incredibly vulnerable. The littlest things set me off and usually for no reason or justification at all.

My mom has been okay about my anixety, though she doesn't understand it and tries to downplay it. I think it worries her and she doesn't know how to handle it. My mom contributes a lot to my feelings of anxietytoo - she always makes me feel like I'm never safe in the world...but...regardless of how much of a pain she can be sometimes (hehe)  I am glad she is coming along with me. I definitely need the company - I hate being alone.

I'm glad your husband is like a friend to you. It's so nice to have a laid back relationship with little drama. I've always thought a spouse should be like a best friend  When I get settled in, and make friends and start a job, I think I will be more open to meeting someone.

OMG that man would have sent me into a panic. I've had similar experiences. They are very hard to let go of. That's why I have difficulty going shopping or staying out for too long. While most people are totally fine to be around, there are some "bad eggs" out there who just want to ruin things for you. I used to do volunteer work but I had to stop because this creepy older man was making me feel uncomfortable but nothing was done about it. I don't think my life was ever in danger - it was just unwanted attention. But I had to leave because it was too overwhelming for me. I'm sure that guy you dealt with was harmless in his drunkness, but still, enough to be completely unwanted! I'm sorry that happened, ugh!

I hope next time the surfing will be better for you

[surfmonkey]

Hey lanie! I'm sorry to hear your not feeling well! What's wrong? oh no you got lost?! I would have freaked! Do you have a cell phone? Maybe that would make you feel more safe. Next time find a landmark. A mark of safety if you will! Always find a way to get back to that landmark. Next time maybe directions :)

Omg I can't stand people who just get to close! Like hi back up! Its always those fun drunks.lol I would have quit to if some old man overstepped his bounds. I don't like to be touched! Not at all. Next time surfing will be better!

Your mom makes you afraid of anything with atoms and matter huh? My mom does that to me! Sometimes moms need to be positive! I don't want an unusual fear for forks or laundry soap ya know?! Lol

[surfmonkey]

Oh also, honey and cinnamon will make you feel better :) homemade lemon ginger tea helps so unbelievably for nausea!

[Lanie]

Heya Surf! I've been having a bad few days with my anxiety - it's really kicking into overdrive with the move...I guess the move is scaring me alot into thinking I'm not safe anywhere. I keep getting paranoid about personal and online safety. Worst case scenarios, things like that...I didn't have a good day today either but I talked to my mom and I think she tried to understand and support me. She told me a lot about my family's mental illness background too and she even admitted to her own mental health issues. After talking to her, I felt a bit better and right now I'm trying to relax. I'm also going to try to get back onto Zoloft soon...right now I'm taking St. John's Wort and it's been helping but not enough...I'll be okay though

I did have my cell phone, which helped because I did call my friend for a better idea of where the place was, but MapQuest overall gave me the wrong directions  It was frustrating and made me feel worse about everything. But then I saw my friends and I felt much better. It was so good to see them and hang out for a bit. I love being with my friends and I wish I could see them more often

LOL! Yeah my mom makes me afraid of everything too! It's almost like you can breathe or move without there being something negative attached to it. It's like, "Mom what the heck???" lol

I hope you are having a good week

[surfmonkey]

St johns wart I hear works. I've never taken it though. If your feeling anxious maybe have some chamile tea or kava tea. I'm not gonna lie, kava tastes like crap.lol I think its completely normal to not feel safe with this move. Figure out where every hospital is! Hahaha I often do that when I'm on the highway. I get paranoid on the highway. Have you ever tried yoga and meditation? I find that its helped me out a lot but with smoking it defeats the purpose completely because the cigarettes cause anxiety. Your paranoid about the internet and your safety? Like maybe someone your talking to is really a creep? Allow me to properly introduce myself :)
 Hello lanie, I'm 20years old and I'm a paranoid surfer chick :) I have no friends but I make killer tacos! I'd tell you my real name but I swear I'm paranoid that a certain person will find out that I'm on this site! I'm such a freak! I'm sorry! Hahahahahah. I have this weird ocd type thing about someone and I prefer they know not much about me.

With moms, its like a landmine. "Hey mom I'm gonna catch a few waves before church" my mom will say "don't get eaten by a shark. I don't want to show up at your apartment with the cops. Hahah I'm glad your mom is offering support! That's great! Comfort from the one you need it from most! I'm sure it must be nice to see some comforting faces. I'm jealous :) my week is ok so far. I feel great today! Total breather for me!