Im so upset and need advice, nothing too do with anxiety!

[angela52884]

  Hey everyone, I am really upset and need some advice. I have been with my b/f for 2 years and we have 1yr old baby. We have been having some problems recently with arguing and its been happening at least once a week. It always seems too be over the stupidist things, but things that matter! We both have a 0247 account and about a month ago I found this message that he mailed to this girl telling her how sexy she is. Well I confront him about it and he lies to my face, telling me that a friend of his did it! No, it was him and I know that for sure, he finally admitted it. Then recently I find all these boob pictures and stuff he was pulling up. Is it wrong for me to be hurt and pissed off over this??? Then, sometimes he will drive my car somewhere, well he smokes and I dont. So I tell him if you are going to drive my car, dont smoke in it! I have told him that like 50 times! Well Im looking out the window when he pulls in and guess what? He gets out of my car with a cig. in his hand. Im so pissed off! He cant even respect me enough to not smoke in my car????  So of course we get into a big fight about it because Im really mad at this point! Well me and him have a major problem with communication. He wont talk!!! Its like he takes his emotions out with anger and is mean, he says such mean things to me and we both end up leaving! I stayed at my moms last night. I mentioned us going to counsling and he laughed at me! This wouldnt be so hard if we didnt have a baby. He says he loves me, but how can you say such mean things to a person you love???? Im 22 and hes 28 and I just keep thinkin Im so young I dont deserve to be upset every single day!! I am really depressed and dont know what too do! Does anyone have any advice for me???

[anxietyfreak]

Hey angela,
I'm sorry you have to go through this. When I read your post it almost sounded like my friend was writing it because she found a few pictures of her boyfriend's ex's boobs on his phone that his ex sent her and he lied about it and said it was someone else's (even though that doesn't make it right) but anyways, I would be so mad if I found the things you found and you have a right to be mad. My friends boyfriend says he loves her too but he really does not respect her or love her. He calls her a b*tch and other things and pushes her around over the littlest stuff. She needs to find someone new, I'm not saying that you need to but if they love you I don't think they should mind doing simple things you ask like not smoking in your car. If he doesn't want to go to counseling with you and just laughs at the idea try telling him how much he's hurting your feelings, I don't want to say break up with him because who am I to tell you to ya know lol but I know how it feels to get hurt by someone you love a lot and want to be with, and thats why I'm writing you this. I can see how having a baby when your young and have a boyfriend can cause a lot of problems because of the stress of caring for the baby and stuff. I hope you get things straightened out soon!

[angela52884]

Thanks for the reply. It seems that when we argue we both blame each other. Like he thinks that I am stupid for getting mad about the whole pictures thing. Hes like, " oh your so mad b/c I looked at boobs on the internet.!!" While Im thinking, ok shouldnt I be mad and upset?? I mean are there any women out there that wouldnt be upset to find something like that??? I feel like Im screwed either way, Im upset with him and I will be upset without him. What do I do??

[itsmeesindee]

I am sure he loves you in his way, but is what he is giving you enough for you?  If he loves you and doesn't want to lose you then he shouldn't laugh about counselling as it would make your relationship much better. You could ask him if he is happy with your relationship as it is, if not why not try to make it better.  If for nothing else, the baby.  If this relationship is truly not working for you then maybe you should leave.  As the baby gets older it will be much harder for you too leave because of the attachment with their father.

Best of luck, everything will work out for the best.

Cin

[Kate1982]

I agree with itsmeesindee,  if you are really unhappy and are thinking about leaving, you should do it now while your baby is still young.  It sounds to me like you are willing to work on the problems the two of you are having, but maybe he isn't.  If he really does love you he'll be willing to work on the problems because it's important to you.  Maybe he just doesn't understand what a big deal it is for you.  Good luck, I hope everything works out for the best.

[apple]

28 huh?  and still need to get a fix with other boobs? I'm sorry girl, but if he is telling some other girl she is sexy and trying to cover it up when you ask...your boy is lookin to cheat.  Its ok to look but acting on anything while he's still with you says You are not his priority.   doesnt sound like this one is ready for marriage or parenthood. (my perspective)  I was in a similar relationship with a man who didnt respect me.  Glad I believed I was worth more than that.

You and your child deserve respect.  That is crucial if this relationship will be the one you deserve and desire.  I suggest you go into councelling for yourself, work on you, your self esteem and what you want in life and relationship.  once you got yourself right you will know what to do about your relationship.  Dont ever believe for one minute that what you really want is not possible!!

This is what I did. I was a single parent with 2 kids.  Now I am married to the most amazing man and my kids have a real good Dad.  They get to see Mom happy and how a GOOD relationship is.  And I got problems!! I have anxiety and panic and other health issues and he still puts me in first place. 

If you take care of you...you will know what to do.   

[Rocket90]

I think the real issue is communication.  Just because he looked at pictures of a girl doesn't mean he doesn't love you.  If the lines of communication were open, it is quite possible that he wouldn't be on a computer looking at women.  It sounds like both of you are at fault for the communication.  My suggestion would be to find someone to help you through this process and to open up the lines of communication.  This could be professional or someone that you trust.

Although there are certainly needed separations, I will never believe that having a father or a mother removed from the every day life of a child is the best thing.  The best thing would be to acknowledge the issues and deal with them.  I came from divorce and I have always "suffered" from not having both in my life every day.

Good luck to you.

Take care.

[angela52884]

Thank you so much for all the advice.

[King]

Hi Angela

I disagree with earlier posts. I dont think he is necessarily looking to cheat, they may well be cries for help...in an inappropriate way admittedly.

Basically I think the core issue here is your b/f is desperately seeking attention from you - and I dont blame you or anything - but often when a couple have a young child in the first 12 months, the man can often feel left out. Many marriages split at this stage due to this issue, having a child can expose and widen cracks in relationships or conversely bring people together. Either way, a young child presents a huge demand on any relationship.

In other words, a young child changes the dynamic of a marriage so much. Clearly theres 3 of you now and the baby demands so much time from their mother - this can make the man feel isolated and some may start to look elsewhere for attention. Finding quality time together is so vital.

Now that isnt to say that he should be doing what he's doing re: internet, etc. But I think its a cry for help and a cry of frustration on his part - at least he isnt out there actually seeing someone, he's doing this stuff at a distance which makes me feel its a cry for attention.

Clearly, you will be both tired with the new baby, and Angela you have anxiety issues, so communication isnt going to be ideal anyway at this time. Nonetheless a frank discussion, either with or without a councellor, needs to be had about why he is behaving the way he is and what his (and your) needs are. Do you get quality time together as a couple very often?

I dont think this relationship is beyond repair, it can be fixed relatively easily if both sides needs/values are listened to and compromises made. Clearly some forgiveness will be needed around the issues you raised but this is by no means irrepairable as I think the root cause is him feeling his needs arent being met (from his perspective) due to the changed dynamics of your relationship with the new baby.

Hope this alternative perspective helps
King

[anxiousinfla]

Yeh, what Apple said....and RUN as fast as you can.

[King]

Completely disagree with the last post.

King

[ladyK]

Hi Angela:

I think that if you want this relationship to work then you should start to put in the extra effort and hopefully he will respond in kind.  I've found in my life that if you want changes to be made then you can't wait for the other person to start the ball rolling.  That said, this in no way means that you're at fault here.  I remember how hard it is to care for a child but maybe spending more time with the 3 of you as a family and then having special "date" nights or even lunch or whatever time is convenient will help bring you closer together.  Communication is definitely the key issue here.  Maybe a few dates first then bring up ways that will help you two communicate better.

If your do not want this relationship, then you know what to do.

Good luck, ladyK

[itsmeesindee]

Hey Angela,

Was thinking of you.  How are you doing?

Cin