Fear and Intrusive Thoughts!

[rambleon2474]

Hey there

I've just finished up my Junior year of highschool (yay!) but unfortunately I havent been able to enjoy my summer very much. I've always put a ton of pressure on myself to do well in school and after acing all my classes second semester, something inside me cracked. I had a huge panic attack and from that day up to now my OCD seems to have come back full force. When I was seven I had an intense fear of death and dying, and my parents would always have to reassure me that I would be alive the next morning. I eventually went to counseling and my OCD all but disappeared for 10 years until that panic attack, and now for some reason I am terrified of death again, but it's manifesting in a different way. I've become obsessed about being suicidal. Just writing out the word causes me panic. I have fearful thoughts of 0669 and if I read a story about someone whose killed themselves I freak out and feel like I have to find out exactly what made them do it so that I can make sure I don't have that problem going on in my life. As soon as I started having these thoughts I brought them up to my therapist because I just could not risk them being serious. I love life too much and having all these thoughts freaks me out! If I see a knife I get very tense and have thoughts about cutting myself with it, etc. My therapist assured me this is all worry and that I'm not actually suicidal, but I'm so afraid of snapping and....you know. Can anyone else relate to this? I worry constantly about this even when I'm with friends and am afraid to be alone because I worry I may act on my thoughts. My therapist told me to accept the thoughts and realize they're just thoughts, but then Im worried if I accept them I'll act on them. Any advice? Am I going to be okay? Its going to be my Senior year of highschool this fall and I really want to experience it, I cant die now!! I get so tense thinking about these thoughts that my body aches at the end of the day and I feel kinda crazy 

[Kristen1]

I have the exact same thoughts. I also have 3 children at home which makes it difficult. I cannot be left alone either. My therapist says it's all just "thoughts" and that I would never act on them. I do understand how you feel. I am struggling daily with these thoughts. I am trying to stay busy and the thoughts seem to fade a little.
Good luck to you. Stay strong.

[andie79]

Hi There,

When I was in high school, I had these exact obsessions; I was afraid I would "lose control" and possibly 0473, or my intrusive thoughts would be about 0669.  NO FUN!  I am sorry you are going through this, but being able to identify the fact that you know these are thoughts, and being aware that you do not actually feel this way...fighting off the thoughts/obsessions, are all signs of your being the opposite of suicidal.  You will definitely be okay.  Rather than fighting the thoughts, try to allow them to come in, and face them.....VERY difficult to do, I know.  But, this is the best treatment method for OCD.  The less weight we give to the thoughts, the less power they will have in controlling the amount of time we spend ruminating on them.  I understand where you are coming from, and wish you all the best. 

[missclean39]

I have exactly the same phobia. My OCD tells me that I will overdose on pills and die b/c I will lose control and SNAP. I love my life and would never try to 0473. You are definitely not the only one!

[healyshouse]

I just posted this on another page


A break down of the anxiety thiughts. Called the viscous circle... Or the grass hopper lol

1st - get some sort of nasty horrible scary thought
2nd - omg WHAT IF I did that
3rd - image of that thought plagues you
4th - guilt and shame
5th - what type of person am I
6th - severe anxierty and panic attacks
7th - you have it in you head that if I did the thought x would happen
8th - I am nasty and horrible

So as you think of one thought it hops On to the next one ect

Hard circle to break.. So u need to take a step back and open your eyes and rather than try push the thought out you head think about the thought and question it put it in to trial even.

You should always question the thought never ignore it  in the hope that it will go away as it just gets worse and harder to deal with..

[Cheesus]

I disagree. Questions have answers. There are no answers to intrusive thoughts. You don't ignore it either; rather it is best just to let the thought exist without taking any action one way or another as you would with any neutral thought that comes to mind.

Read these. They saw me through intrusive thoughts:

http://www.anxietycare.org.uk/docs/obsessionalthinkingonline.asp
http://www.panic-and-anxiety-attacks.com/intrusive-thoughts/
http://www.ocdonline.com/Rethinkingtheunthinkable.php

[ans1723]

You have to try and keep in mind that if it's something you really desired or could possibly even do, it would NOT cause you so much anxiety!! That helps me tremendously.

[ocdengineer]

I haven't been on this site in years now, but I have to say that the advice coming from many of the folks here is much better.  I hope it is a sign that we are all learning techniques to work through our anxieties.  I have a very similar story to yours, Rambleon.  I had anxiety about death and dying when I was in the 2nd grade which puts me roughly at the age of 7 or 8.  I was also able to get through it, even to the point that I forgot that portion of my life.  Unfortunately, as is usually the case, the fears came back later in life.  My Junior year in college was a nightmare to the point that I actually took time off to deal with my fears.  This didn't help me and I found it very difficult to find someone who could.  Luckily with a lot of time and reading!  Lots of reading, I found some methods to cope with anxiety. 

I agree that the best option is to not avoid the fears.  In fact, you almost want to invite the fears in so you can face them as difficult as this may seem.  I try and force myself to stay with the negative thought as long as I can.  For instance, I have had similar thoughts about knives as yourself.  I will be next to a knife, someone will walk by and all of a sudden my mind is thinking about stabbing people.  My first instinct would have been to flip out and run for a safe spot.  However, the correct thing to do is to stay in the situation with the knife and the fear to prove to yourself that you are OK.  Obviously, don't expect perfect success at first, but over time you will find your fears are starting to diminish. 

Now, OCD can be pretty rough at this stage because it will actually change the negative thought to the next one in line that is capable of causing you fear.  Now your thoughts will be, "What if I hurt someone in my family".  Again, the panic reaction must be avoided.  Treat it exactly the same way as the knife and face it head on.  I used to get that thought and I'd immediately go hug the person I was thinking of.  No better way to not only fight the thought, but show your love to someone, than to give them a hug.  2 birds, one stone, right.
 
Anyway, if you want to read my story, I am on Anxiety Zone Connections and I have a blog there that you may find useful.  Hope all is well and certainly keep us posted on your progress.  Search for Ocdengineer in google and you should find my page as well.

Take care,
OE

[Melrg9]

I once had a therapist tell me that people who have these intrusive thoughts because of OCD are least likely to ever act on them. This really helped me when I was younger. It was comforting to know I was not going to ACTUALLY stab my baby brother when I was cutting his food.

[Oscar]

What has worked for me is not to fight the intrusive thoughts.  I just do nothing about it, I picture them as background noise that starts to fade away when I just let them be.  The more you questions why you have these thought, the harder it becomes to deal with them.  Learn to live with them, and based on my experience you are not going to act on them.  I have had OCD since I was a child.  I'm 43 yrs old and I still have those thoughts.  But they don't bother me as much.  You are on your way to recovery. 

“Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less.”
-Marie Curie

[healyshouse]

0213 oscar

this is so true... the minute you start to question the thought is when its starts to play in your head.. would i - what if  ect. i have have been trying not to let the thought bother me and its has helped loads. its not the thoughts that cause the anxiety but the reaction we give them 

[healyshouse]

that was meant to say at oscar lol