Hello! Sharing my experiences :)

[nikad]

Hi,
I´m 32 yo married woman with a 12 yo son. I started getting PA ( really bad ) when I got pregnant, I was 19 then and thought I was going to have to get an abortion because I couldn´t cope with my numerous PAs. Finally my ob put me on Xanax. My son was born and I continued with Xanax for a couple of months, I was still getting occasional PAs, but I still led a normal life. After 5 years of marriage my husband left me, I had to move to my parents, get a better job, etc, and right then I started to get reall y bad PAs.

Saw a Dr. and he prescribed Paroxetine and Xanax. I did very well for some years with that ( I had cancer during that period and recovered successfully ) , and I was working for a very important neurosurgeon and he convinced me that I could live my normal life off meds ( I guess I put all my faith in this brilliant man, and he was a huge placebo! ) So in 10 days I stopped the meds, had soem slight discomfort ( dizzyness, trouble sleeping ) but I started to feel great: no more PAs, little anxiety: I felt free.

Then after 6 months, he let me down with personal and professional things and my PAs came back worse than ever! Got an appointment with a new Dr. and she put me on Zoloft and Klonopin, a month after that I was doing ok again. A year and a half after that, I started to get some PAs, I was agoraphobiic so I told her and she changed meds to Paroxetine and Xanax ( I was on meds and with psycotherapy. The meds helped, but I started to realize that even if I was not worried about my anxiety and had any kind of racing thoughts in my head, I would still feel low, anxious and wouild get some PAs...

I was upset, feeling hopeless and low, since the meds were not as effective as they used to be. I decided to try CT. I started lowering the meds and learned cognitive behavioural techniques. I was getting some PAs and wouldn´t do much on my own or far from home. By last Xmas I was off the meds and started the exposure process, it is very hard to deliberately confront those situations that you fear so much. I fear my own fear. I fear losing control or going crazy. I fear when there is no way out. I had mixed experiences: situations that I handled very well, and situations that went so-so.

At this point, I don´t think something horrible is going to happen, or that I will have a heart attack, or that I will go crazy, etc, yet I still feel al the symtoms when I get anxious ( racing heartbeats, choking, shaking, getting dizzy, etc ) It is uncomfortable but I talk to myself saying ¨I know what this is, I know I can control it¨, I avoid by all means hyperventilating using abdominal breathing, if this doesn´t work I try to get distracted watching TV or reading something, until it goes away.

This is not an easy way to go, but I feel so happy that I can control this s*** most of the times, and with no meds, I feel stronger, I try to do more things every day. I sometimes feel depressed too, and I relate to so many of the situations I have read here, but I accept my anxiety and my problem, but I will fight the m*****r!!!!!!!

Remember that YOU are the one who is in control. Remember that your body´s response to anxiety would NEVER kill you or cause any harm: it is your body setting off a danger alarm in the wrong situation. I have been reading a book that I found a bit complex but extremely useful: ¨Goodbye Anxiety¨by Dr. David Burns.

I will be travelling 8 hs by plane to a place I have never been to, I am super anxious, uncertain, scared, but I will do it, I might have bad days, and good days, I might have a PA on the plane, or a couple or none, but I will do it because I am sick of living like a disabled woman! These horrible feelings are a bad trick our minds play on us, it is nothing more than ¨noise¨in our heads.

I am not a survivor, I am still fighting.

nik