PTSD from Traumatic Relationship, Still Affecting Me

[greeneyes]

Diagnosed: GAD with mild depression.
Prescribed: citalopram, 20mg, daily & trazodone 50mg, as needed for sleep.

Not in therapy, and have seen a psychiatrist twice.

I am pretty sure that I have PTSD from a traumatic relationship I was in years ago, but I keep a lot of my symptoms inside, and haven't disclosed as much to the doctor. I can't help it but I downplay a lot of things, so it's not his fault he doesn't know.

Day to day I'm happier but there are times where I do get depressed. Before the meds I didn't feel too depressed, but I felt "kinda" bad all the time which wasn't as noticeable because my anxiety was much more intense than any depression I may have felt. Now it seems the depression has concentrated into little bouts where it feels more intense than before, but I do have more happy times when it isn't there though. Unfortunately I don't know how well it is doing with my anxiety. My boyfriend says I don't have as many "incidents" now, as he put it. The times where everything is overwhelming and I get very irritable and defensive and I'm convinced horrible things are going to happen and I go into survival mode and get upset are the "incidents".

Things still trigger me though. Most recently it was when he was out of the country on a work/vacation trip. I was home alone and it was my responsibility to take care of things around the house. There were some things I didn't do because I couldn't figure them out, and my b/f thought I was just being lazy (which I sometimes am, just not in this case). I took it as him seeing me in a negative light and being annoyed and critical. Now I know logically, him being annoyed isn't that big of a deal, but in the relationship I was in before, a minor annoyance towards me would grow into a major event that usually ended up turning into something really horrible and abusive.

The person I was with before was bipolar and an alcoholic, and I know that his reactions were grossly out of proportion to the events that would happen , but I can't help that I still fear those reactions when I do something "wrong". I still feel like I'm doing things wrong a lot of the time, even though my current b/f at most gets annoyed, and usually not even that. It causes a lot of anxiety though and I had a freak-out moment last night. We eventually talked it out and once again he reassured me he wouldn't ever treat me badly no matter how annoyed he gets.

Things went back to normal, but I guess I was still troubled because I had another nightmare last night about my ex coming back into my life. I've had a couple dreams about this, especially since I've been on meds. I don't know if it’s a side effect or if it’s a result of me recognizing my issues and  my repressed emotions are coming out, but the dreams are so disturbing that I'm affected all day after, and sometimes for multiple days.

The dream pretty much goes like this: I'm happy and things are looking up in my life and then all of a sudden he comes back and I'm trying to hide from him but he's already seen me, and he finds me and infiltrates my social circle or my job or other aspects and I can't get away or convince anyone else the severity of what's going on. He somehow regains control over me, usually by threatening the safety and lives of those I care about and no one understands how it’s even possible he can do that.

I wish I could stop having these dreams, I wish I could stop feeling afraid that things will be how they once were, when there is no chance my b/f would ever be like that. It seems no matter how hard I try to think differently, I can't. I don't know what to do because I feel like this is getting in the way of everything, my progress in life, my happiness, my relationship. I can't even concentrate at work.  Sometimes I am even afraid I see him around town, or driving in a car when I'm on the road and I'll worry that he's come around again to "get me" or something. Which, even when writing it out, seems ridiculous, especially since I found info a year ago that says he is still on the other side of the country from me where he has been for years. I don't really have anyone I can talk to about this though. I have a couple friends also on meds, but they are depressed and don't have anxiety and don't understand my worries, and I have a friend who has combat PTSD, but its different. I can't talk to my b/f too much about this stuff either because even though I can't help it and it isn't desirable feelings or thoughts, it is still about an ex-boyfriend and I know he doesn't like to hear about it, especially since he has to reassure me he's a good guy.

Mostly I just feel crazy, but I'm so sick of having all this stuff inside me.  I guess that's why I needed to talk about it. Thanks for reading.

[greeneyes]

By the way I want to mention that I've had nightmares for years now, they just seem to be more detailed now (possibly from the medicine from what I've read). Also the bad relationship ended over 4 years ago.

[jenniferand2]

you should really talk to a therapist and open up it may help. but if your bf now is condesending you that could be where the dreams are comming from you a afraid he will turn into your ex does that make sense to you?

[greeneyes]

Yeah it makes sense. Thanks for your reply. I wish therapy were cheaper 

[elfynity]

Hi Greeneyes, I agree, go see a psychologist ... one that knows how to deal with PTSD.  I just went to one recently and so i'm going to write here what she told me, and hopefully it can help you with what you are going through.

The emotional abuse you have learned from that relationship is still believed and carried on.  My ex got into my head and I still carry his 'voice' with me.  I've had to unlearn the things that he believed of me.  In so doing, I've had to open my eyes to the actual reality around me.  I have to look at negative thoughts and feelings and see where they actually come from - are they actually for real in the now? or is it his voice in my head again.

I have to recognise inherited thoughts from him and how he wanted me to believe of myself.

She explained that when we go through an abusive / traumatic experience our minds blank out alot of what we remember.  As we heal, so our minds allow these memories to resurface.  Becuase I hadn't dealt with the emotional impact of the memories and what i'd experienced, I was also having incidents (and are still having them, but not so often) and i would be angry and defensive. THis anger and defensivness has just been from the protective wall that i had guarded around myself and have still had up, subconsciously.  Her suggestion to me was that I need to look at my reactions to things, and first decide whether it is his voice talking to me again.  THen I need to consider if the way i am feeling is appropriate to the situations.  If it isn't, then I need to look at what past event from my relationship is being triggered that is making me react this way.  Once I have that figured out, she suggested that i write it all down in a journal, and after writing it down, read it over and over again. 

She said by reading it over again, you force yourself to deal with the emotional value of the incident.  Also, the more you read it, the more the emotionalness of it fades, and at the same to you are pulling that emotion out of your subconscious memory and extracting it from your life.  And because what you have written down is in tangible black n white (not like thoughts that are elusive) it makes it that the event that you have written down is a set story, with a beginning and an end, and by reading it over and over, you will begin to trust your own emotional response to it.

She said that you begin to do only the things that you have to in order to survive his rules.  What I needed to consciously realise is that the rules have changed, I'm no longer in an abusive in environment, I'm no longer in those circumstances, and that I therefore need to adjust my emotions and reactions accordingly.

If this helps, she also said that people that get into your head like that know exactly what they are doing and have no conscience about it.  She also said that they are very skilled at it too, and that if you are afraid of him, it is good to feel that way - a good reaction for people we should avoid, but to carry those emotions that they left with us is something that needs to be worked on daily and consciously in order to remove.

Hope all of that helps!

[greeneyes]

Thank you. I made another appointment with my psychiatrist today, it is for August 28th, 2010. I will tell him that I am interested in his offer to set me up with one of their psychologists. I also plan on telling him I don't think the Citalopram I've been on is working. I've been on it since April 19th, and I've only noticed a slight improvement in my happiness, which was never what troubled me the most.

I've had 3 blowups just in the past couple days, and it isn't getting better. I hope this works.

[aj-boston]

I'm sure there are many views on this.  However, I suggest anyone who is on meds read this article  http://www.nytimes.com/2010/04/25/magazine/25Memoir-t.html

I am a fan of the therapy approach, with or without meds - however, with the therapy first/at least.

I am of the view that we are whole human beings, and need to be "treated" as whole human beings, not only as an illness...  hope that makes sense.

[AngelRage]

Hi Green Eyes,

Just wanted you to know that I can completely relate. I have reoccurring nightmares of my Ex, and him watching me daily.

I've been back in therapy for about 5 mos now and has really helped me a lot. Not saying there isn't a lot of work to go, but I'm getting there and what I have already learned has helped me tremendously.

Just wanted you to know, you're not alone and I so feel for you! I think therapy would be very beneficial for you.  Stay Strong and Take Care 

[lindahurt]

I agree that you should really open up about your symptoms.  When I did it help my doc to regulate my meds better.

[christy0153]

Hi Green, I'm Chris. 

I am not a doctor of any kind.  My psych explained my PTSD this way:

PTSD can come from car accidents, war, traumatic childhoods, involvement with narcissistic people, mean lovers - just about anywhere.  It is characterized by nightmares that you may or may not remember, intrusive thoughts, reliving the incident(s), derealization, panic attacks, trembling, shaking, sweating and phobias.  Mornings are usually very rough for PTSDers.  When someone significant continually misinterprets you, blames you,  shows little compassion toward you, attributes ideas, feelings and actions to you that you don't recognize as being who you are, you get confused. Physical abuse may play a part.  If this person/whoever has power over you, either because you are a child, or because you are living with this person, or were a POW, or felt trapped in a war, or witnessed an atrocity, your life will become a constant explanation of who you are.  You will not only explain to others, but you will always be defending yourself to yourself.  A constant defense.  The unpredictability of your home/situation will cause hypervigilance.  This can be problematic in that your body actually resets itself in a fight/flight mode.  This can be generalized to every situation or can stay focused to one or several areas.   Fear, and fear of going crazy is a constant.  You may experience extreme anger.  Even if you no longer live in the situation, PTSD stays with you.  It is an imperative to get help from a licensed practioner.  CBT can be helpful in determining triggers - those things that happen that make you feel worse and out of control.  It can also help you replace negative internal dialog with new, positive internal dialog.  You can learn new coping skills that will give you some relief.  EMDR is a new therapy with uneven results.  There are a number of psychs around who will take you on an ability to pay basis - a sliding scale.  Good luck to you.  PTSD is one of the worst anxiety disorders you can have, but none of it is your fault.  With you in hope,  Chris.