My story and why I have PTSD!

[Carla]

My story:

At the end of 2nd grade my mom and dad had split up. My 2 brothers and 3sisters all moved to New York with my mom. We didn't see our dad much at all and then one day he just stop coming. I didn't see him for 8 years later. In the mean time of all of us not seeing our father, my mother was not doing well at all. She had been using a lot of drugs and really not taking care of any of her children at all. In fact I never even went to 3rd grade at all. She never sent me to school. So I went from 2nd to 4th grade. For some reason none of the schools or any person for that matter said a word about why I never went to 3rd grade. But anyway...During the 4th and 5th grade we moved 6 times and moved from boyfriend to boyfriend....But at the end of 5th grade my mother meet someone that seemed to be OK. We all liked him and he also had 6 kids so we loved having more kids to play with. My mom did not have to work because her new boyfriend worked and owned a home so we all had a place to stay....For the 1st time in a long time I think all of us kids felt safe.

During the summer between 5th and 6th grade my mom was getting really bad with her drug use. She was very violent to me and my younger brother. She would hit us until we passed out sometimes. She would punch us, and lock us in rooms. She would push us down and stand on my hair and laugh when I would try to get up. For some reason she was only like this to me and my one brother....Till this day I do not understand that. I was the oldest and my brother has ADHD, I think that may be why but I guess I will never know.

My brothers shared a room with my mothers boyfriends son who was 19 years old. My sisters and I all shared a room as well. My brother Matthew, who is the one with ADHD, would always ask me to sleep next to him because he was very scared to sleep in his room. I would sleep in his room almost every night. I still miss that today.

One night when I was sleeping his bad. My mothers boyfriend had come home late and woke me up when he came in. he told me to go back to be so I rolled over and started to go back to sleep. Then next thing I knew he was getting in the same bed as me but he wasn't just getting in bed. He was putting his arm around me. He kept moving his hands down util he was in my pants. I asked him what he was doing and he said "don't talk". He then pulled me on top of him and asked me if I new what french kissing was. I said no and then she tried to show me. I told him to stop and that woke up my brother. He didn't see my brothers eyes open but I did. He then kept rubbing me and touching my breasts. For some reason my sister had woke up and turned on the hallway light, I guess to go to the bathroom, so this guy had pushed me off of him and told me to go in my room. So I did....My brother came in my room later that night but we never talked about it. We just went to sleep.

11 days later I told my mother. I remember 11 days because I use to keep lines of the number of days on the wall in my closet. I use to hide in my closet, sometimes sleep in their after this happened. The day I knew I was going to tell my mom I got really scared and asked her to come up stairs. She told me no. So I said I have to tell you something important and she yelled at me but she did walk 1/2 way up the stairs. She said she wasn't going all the way up. So I just told her on the stairs. and my wonderful mother called me a lair and pushed me down the rest of the stairs. She then started punching me and kicking me and even picked me up and pushed me outside and told me to leave. So I stared to walk down the street. She then came and got me and told me if I got in the car I would not be in trouble. So I got in the car and her and one of her friends stared to slap me and told me if I told anyone my life would be over and that if I told anyone that "they", meaning the police would take me away for being bad....I just said I wouldn't tell. and I never did till I was 26 years old. That is how old I am now.

In the mean time my mom thought I wasn't worthy i guess i be apart of the family. So She made me live in an apartment that was added to our house. This has, no heat or lights or hot water, but it did have water. I had the whole place to myself. I was 100% alone yet my whole family was right next door. i was able to come over to eat but that's it. I also got to come over sometimes if my mom wasn't home. But this man that did these things to me was still there and he still was in the same room with my brother. This went on for 3 years. In 8th grade(the very end) my mom took me to her friends and dropped me off and told them they could have me. I stayed for a few days and then my mom came back. She did this a few times, with my aunt and even one of my teachers from school....

I don't feel like writing anymore. Maybe more tomorrow.

[HamTon]

I have never been through anything like what you're describing, so any empathy would probably be lost. I joined this board for things that in comparsion seem so minor.

The only advice I can give is to continue writing. I know you stopped, and it was a few days ago, but you can't keep it inside. I tried to do that for months, and it only prolongs the horror. Confide in someone, even if it is to anonymous people on the Internet. Also, I'm not sure if you've seen any professional therapists, but they can be worth it. My whole life I thought it was B.S., and wondered why anyone would bother. But having the opportunity to talk to someone you don't know about your troubles can place them in perspective.

[minaque]

  i understand. i was abused by my brother and raped by a stranger when i was little.