Looking for some advice.

[BigGull]

Hi, new here just signed up today. Have a few questions/comments to say, so if you have a minute please feel free to discuss.I found out about anxiety disorders about a year ago, thought little about them, but the past few months I have been spending alot of time reading about them and browsing many sites. I used to be a generally outgoing guy, occassionally I'd get shy and blush but now I feel its getting out of hand. I cannot even talk to my parents, friends without turning all red, and often start to sweat.

 My ultimate fear is at the dinner table, we're all sitting close, nowhere to go and invariably the conversation is directed at me numerous times. I skip classes if I know i'm going to be late, as I don't want to make in late and make a scene. Rarely do I even go, as I constantly have what it feels like butterflies in my stomach all day. When I do sit in, I become extremely hot, and sweating and unconfortable. I find it hard to control, but if I'm with a buddy it's much easier. I don't want to go find a job cause I am worried about what people think of me. So I' sit at home watch TV, it's getting pretty bad... The anxiety gets bad, however I have my good days and bad...increasingly number of bad days now. I'm beginning to believe I have SA, but I'm hoping its just a phase. I'm extremely self conscious now, and my self esteem is going down the shitter. I'm not a bad looking guy, but I've been getting mild acne lately (only 19yrs old) and have been self-conscious about the way I look. Not to mention the fact that I look much youngery than my age, so it doesn't help my self-esteem. I am hoping to just grow out of this, but I need to cope with the constant discomfort in my stomach. I attribute my anxiety to my lack of confidence and self-esteem, and my appearance is what is making me self-confident. Symptoms often are very similar to common symptons of SA such as: sweating, blushing, dry mouth, stammering, get extremely hot.
Furthermore, I had an annual with the doctor, and my heart rate is through the roof. something along the lines of 160/100. Maybe it has something to do with me being nervous all the time?

Anyway, I find that I'm alright when I am in control. Ie, if I am talking with kids younger than me, i feel superior and carry the conversation. However, with authority figures, parents, older friends...I feel inferior and extremely shy.  Anyone else experience this? If I am in control of the conversation I will be okay...or if I am with shy, quiet people I will revert back to my normal outgoing self. It really depends on who I am with.
As well, alcohol helps alot. It puts me at ease and I am able to function with little or no anxiety...and I feel myself again.
I don't really know what to say or why I'm writing this...but just hoping for some feedback. I'm contemplating looking up a psychologist for a consultation, but I can't imagine what my parents would think. I've been trying to suck it up but I'm not getting anywhere. I don't like to think of SA as a scapegoat, so I try to go out and ignore my fears. I can picture my dad's reaction, indoubtedbly he will tell me to suck it up and grow up. I've been trying, and I'm usually quite witty and funny when I'm at ease with my environment. But it seems to not be going away. Anyway if you read this far thanks, and sorry about the length it's just nice to have somewhere to talk about this.

[Kitty_]

Okay, having to type this twice is a pain, and plus I didn't know how to flow the sentances in the first place, so I won't ( but it kind of work anyways..)

     When my heartbeat was taken by someone I felt nervous with, it was 20 beats higher.
     Normally I feel most comforatable with pwoplw I'm close with, 2nd most with really older people, and least with people around (or close to) my age I don't know.
    SAD hasn't ever been something I can 'suck up', but I'm same way, witty when I'm comfortable and all.... and if you ever try to explain SAD my advice is to describe what your going through, get the people to understand that and THEN "label" it SAD (at least, that's what works best for me.)
     From what I've heard, SAD most likely doesn't go away on it's own, besides, it's always better to know more about it.

Hope this could help in some way^_^!!!
-Kitty_

[mstanya]

hi BigGull,

Yes, i relate to much of what u r saying, in that i cope well in some settings and with some types of ppl, but i fall apart in others.  It's funny, though, i actually feel more nervous with shy people, because its harder to make conversation, and also i get scared they won't want others to associate them with me (because we are both shy), and they will reject me.  I find it's easier to talk to ppl who r comfortable with themselves, and this is what i perceive everyone to experience, so i feel extra scared because i know ppl can sense i don't feel comfortable with myself, and i think they will want to get away from me (which they probably do because i am creating this self-fulfilling prophecy, if that makes sense.)
 
I, too, missed most classes at uni, because i couldn't function in the group during breaks and before / after class (when ppl r socialisiing and joking around.)  Yeah, it was okay when i had a friend with me, but i only made one real friend in 4 years there, and she went part-time, so i wasn't in her classes anymore.  I went well academically, though, because most of our grades came from essays.  Funnily enough, i also function well in exams - i get right into the zone and forget everybody around me for three hours.  You're not allowed to talk in exams, though - this is probably what did it for me! 

I think its quite amazing you are so in tune with yourself and honest with yourself at 19.  When you think about it, this must reflect some amount of self-acceptance.  In contrast, I devalued shyness when i was that age, and tried to make myself be outgoing and extroverted!  (I am cringing now - ooow.)  This often involved substance abuse, and i seemed to end up socialising with unstable people who hurt my life.  I disliked myself severely and hated it when people saw through my act and still called me quiet! 

I also hated it how my teachers always wrote "quiet" on my reports.  (If there are any teachers out there, NEVER write that!)

You have already been investigating social anxiety, and getting help is just another step away.  I wonder why you fear what your parents will think.  Is it the money, or are they not the kinds of folk who approve of "therapy" and all that? 

In my experience, the problem of social anxiety can get worse if you don't deal with it.  I'm 33 now.  I've made a lot of mistakes in my life related to my social anxiety, in the process of trying to be someone i wasn't.  You probably aren't this silly, but i would still recommend that you find a good counselling psychologist and start talking things through.  You may be able to improve the quality of your life considerably.

Wishing u all the best,
Tanya G :)

[PamT]

Hey BigGull,

I have lived with this all of my life, although not diagnosed until very late in life.  We could be twins.  You describe me to a tee.

Through therapy, I learned that what I was doing and how I was coping by having someone with me is called a Safe Person.  Not someone big and strong to protect me, but someone with me to somehow give me that extra confidence I needed to get through a situation.

If it is truly Social Anxiety, then you probably won't just get over it from what I have read.  You really need to take steps in overcoming social anxiety.  The worst thing you can do is avoid unpleasant situations.

If you want to speak more, or you need to vent, feel free to contact me.

Pam

[Dunk37]

Hey, BigGull


I am 37 yrs old now and I still feel nervous some of the time.I received some couseling about 4 yrs ago and he got me back to work.I did not work for over a year and I am married to a wonderful woman who understood.I still felt like crap for being a burden and when I was your age I would freak out if I had to talk out loud in class very much.I would get so nervous that everyone would think I am stupid.I would know that I am not stupid but if I screwed up and appeared that way it would be too much to take.I learned that my distorted thinking was leading me to these false conclusions.I perceived myself as a helpless child and not a capable adult too much.I haven't seen anybody since and I do not take meds but I still have days where I get too uptight because I have not been working on my problem since I quit going to counseling.I hit bottom several years ago to the point where I became depressed because I couldn't control my emotions and I wanted to die.I came back from that terrible dark time  and you can get through your problem with the right help.It takes consistent work and I feel I need to get back to basics myself again.Hang in there man.I realize about four years ago I had been suffering since I was 13 to some degree with this crap.I grew up in a nice family who supported me but I couldn't stand being judged by others.You have to get help for yourself no matter what anybody else feels.Good luck,I know you will be alright in time.Well,enough for now ,I am sure you do not want to hear my life story.

Dunk37