Lately I've been feeling down again. For now I can handle it but, as many times before, it seems to be the beginning of another breakdown, so I'm trying new meds starting today. I've been prescribed antiepileptics (together with other stuff, ssri as well). I've taken them before for some time, as part of a cocktail that seemed to work (in spite of having most o the side-effects described as common) until having the worse breakdown I ever experienced: not only I got depressed but with agoraphobia as well, sometimes I've anxiety so bad I can't get far from home (I live in the middle of a stressfull city), but never had agoraphobia. I dropped that medication (and Dr.) then and started another, lighter, one, and got better.
I didn't recover since my latest depression breakdown yet, months ago. I often think of that girl, feel bad that I made our relationship frail by detaching myself from that often. I understand I did it mainly because the girl was stressing me terribly, making a big deal of my frailties when she should let me be instead (at least that, to get some support from her would never happen, she was not that kind of girl, so I couldn't even allow my anxiety problems to bother her in any way). After breaking-up with her she managed to make me believe we were worth another try, I did. That time I tried harder, but in a couple of weeks she told me "we aren't working" and broke up. After I had a panic attack when I was with her. How could I have a panic attack with a girlfriend by my side? I soon found out.
All the things she had said, the way she treated me, I didn't knew we could have a relationship with someone who cares as little as she did. It made me feel so bad about myself, my depression and anxiety. When I had that panic attack I understood she couldn't care less about me, she was just annoyed that we couldn't go somewhere with her friends.
Since then I lost a big chunk of hope of meeting someone I'd love who would accept me as I am. There are people that are different from that, I know, I even met some, but this time I feel something broke inside for good, and that these kind of experiences made me lose faith in love. I often dream of moving to a country and leaving my life behind, starting a new one from scratch and meet new people, but I know it wouldn't solve my problems and that I'd probably be sticking the head in the sand. I'm not a bad person, actually, there are lots of good things about me, there are bad ones as well, and I hate those (just like everybody) but it's very hard for me to face this kind of experiences this often, girlfriends who are not really girlfriends, friends who are not really friends, people so stressed with the idea of being successful that they rule one out everyone who could spoil their image towards others somehow.
I fear the day things will get unbearable. The way I get so down, either for me or for the world I live in, where there's so much pain, so much fear and injustice, it hits me so hard. Not that I lost the belief in life's sense, but there are times in which it gets too hard for me to go on doing what I have to do in order to get better and "get a life", depression and anxiety will probably never go away for good and they already messed my life so much.
This meds I'd rather not take, sodium valproate, its possible side-effects are very dangerous. I hope they know what they are doing by allowing their release in the market.
