I'm insane and driving him insane

[katielee102]

Good morning everyone. I hope you are all well, I'm not at the moment. I have posted here before but under another name. For some reason I cant log in under it so had to open another account! Anyway my problem that I posted about is that I'm insanely insecure and jealous in my relationship. Its not the guy, its a great guy. It's me and i cant stop. I try to stop but then i open my mouth and something comes out that shouldn't. My boyfriend has put up with it for so long but is reaching his breaking point.

I'm really upset today and don't know what to do since I'm at work. I'm trying not to cry, i messed up. I figured venting here would help. SO here it goes. Basically my boyfriend of 2.5 years went away to Boston with a friend over Memorial Day weekend. The whole time i worried he was going to cheat on my or meet someone, etc. I brought it up to him a few times and he said he would not but that didn't matter to me. So anyway he came home I questioned him like crazy and stuff, i know i know i need to stop. Then today I noticed he had a new friend on 0409 and she was from Boston, i texted him and i was like i thought you didn't meet any girls!!! He said it was his friends cousin and to relax. and stop stalking him because its getting hard and I'm driving him insane. Then of course i asked more questions and he said that for the first time he is considering breaking up with me. I want to cry. Why cant i keep my mouth shut! honestly he has not done anything for me to really question, I'm all about the what ifs and the fact you hear about cheating ALL the time.

I just don't know how to stop and fix my relationship, i love him, i want to love me and trust him. HELP

[xiomy00]

I'm going through exactly the same thing right now. I went through the history on our computer and saw that my boyfriend had visited his ex wife's 0247 page. He's not a friend on the website so he can't actually enter but, the fact that he even thought of checking it out was enough to push me over the edge. I did question him but my problem is more that I become a complete bitch. I have made his life a living hell and will continue to do so for as long as I am angry. I aim to hurt his feelings as much as possible. He can say whatever he wants to say, I feel I can't trust him. I feel justified. Everyone says I'm making things worse and making a big deal out of something small but I don't see it that way. Our condition makes it hard, sometimes impossible to think rationally. I can't seem to draw a rational line between what's worth getting upset about and what isn't. Our emotions are out of control and we can't thhink clearly. My boyfriend has also been wonderful to me but, the 'what ifs' are consuming me and destroying my relationship. I'm afraid if I relax he's going to do something (cheat) and feel he can get away with it, blaming my condition for anything I suspect or say.

[katielee102]

wow xiomy00. I am THE SAME. I am scared to relax and enjoy it because that is when the cheating will happen. In my head. The thing today was that he added a new girl to his 0409 and it was a girl from boston. So i flipped out and texted him asking who she was. Said it was his friends cousin and that I need to stop stalking him. I was like well you said you didnt meet any girls. He said he met alot of people buthe didnt cheat on me. Im still nto happy about it. I hate 0409. To be honest we were fine pretty much until he got a 0409. Now i admit i do stalk every day and want to know who this person it, etc. its horrible yet i cannot delete mine becasue i feel then i might miss something on his. Today he said (via text) that for the first time he is actually thinking about breaking up. I pleaded of course and he said that i need to be more independent and stop worrying about the what ifs. And that if he cheats on me he doesnt deserve me adn that if i dont stop worrying and crying we will break up for other reasons, mainly him going insane.

I dont know what to do, i dont know how to stop. I hate girls. haha

[xiomy00]

I hate this feeling. I am a teacher. It's hard to do my job when emotionally I am falling apart. My boyfriend and his wife broke up when he walked out on her in bed with another man on his birthday! I always throw that on his face and mock him about it whenever he upsets me. I know it's wrong but it feels good at the moment, even if I know I am pushing him further and further away from me when I do that. I feel in power. I am not the victim, I am the bully. It doesn't bother me if he adds girls on 0409, has female friends or anything like that. I have no interest in checking his phone or computer but, when I do find out about something like this, I flip. My anger doesn't match the offense. It's almost like I have all this anger bottled up inside me and his mistakes are the perfect excuse to let it all out. He is my emotional punching bag. I know it's wrong but, I can't seem to change that.