My first post on an anxiety forum

[Phenix26]

Hello all,

This is a warning, this post is most likely to be long and involved.  However, I really appreciate you taking a few minutes of your time to read about who I am and my story about struggling with anxiety.

My name is Paul and I am 23 years old and I have been suffering from anxiety for as far back as middle school.  This evening I stumbled across this board when I did a search on health anxiety and I immediately opened a thread from a member named Pan who talked about health anxiety, specifically believing or thinking you have MS.  The reason that thread attracted me is because over the course of the past two weeks I came across MS while searching symptoms I've been suffering from and it appears that all of my symptoms match those of MS, both physically and mentally.  I've yet to explain to a doctor that I think I may have MS because I don't currently have health insurance, but I assume the same cycle that has taken over my life for the past couple of years would just repeat itself.

I constantly think I have something wrong with me.  Every twitch, headache, dizzy spell, restless thoughts, slurred speech, forgotten thought, and misplaced item leads me to a doctor whom I explain my feelings too, I get some blood work or some tests, things come back fine and I forget about the issue only to have a similar worry a few weeks or months later.  Unlike others who have health anxiety, when I am told I am fine by a doctor after receiving tests I generally believe them because I have known I have anxiety and am aware that my symptoms may be entirely from that fact.  The truth is I have a constant fear of death, of getting ill and dying young, and I worry about pretty much anything else there is to worry about such as money, grades, where to go to college, etc.  The problem is that I'm at the point where its starting to affect every aspect of my life.

I had a tough childhood.  I received a lot of abuse at home and it shouldn't be surprising to hear that my mother also suffers from anxiety and hypochondriasm and its possible she has other mental health disorders.  This definitely contributed to the abuse I received and the now broken relationship I have with my family.  My earliest memories of anxiety were social anxiety, I had really bad self esteem in middle school, I guess it was from worrying about the way I looked all the time, specifically having acne gave me major anxiety.

Anyway, currently I am having such bad symptoms of anxiety and its affecting every thing I do.  I can't keep my relationship stable with my current girlfriend, who is beginning to think I'm a nut and pretty much disregards the way I feel about everything because she's heard it all too much, and its really hard to deal with to be honest.  She says I complain about everything, I'm always in a bad mood, and that I'm always negative, and to be honest she's completely right.  I am so tired of being negative about everything, about sweating the little things way too much.  Imagine what its like trying to make a big decision?  I'm sure you all do know and that is comforting to hear but right now I'm trying to decide between which of two colleges I will be transferring to, and I've been trying to decide for two months.  I am a perfectionist, I can never make a decision about anything! I am never sure of myself and it drives me crazy, its like I have to make the absolute best decision otherwise I won't be happy with it, this ruins everything before I even make the decision in all reality.

So I'm going to cut to it here and express my biggest fear and I'd like some advice.  I am completely and utterly afraid of going mentally insane and often think that I am.  Sometimes I am just so stressed out or whatever it may be and it causes mood swings and all types of thoughts that I can't control, usually all of them pertaining to worrying about going crazy.  Lately when i try to go to sleep at night I just can't control what I am thinking about, its usually just something stupid and random and it makes me feel like I am losing my mind! Of coursed mixed in with those random things are the constant worries that I have, and I definitely cant control those either.  I think its because I really don't want to end up like my Mom, she clearly has a mental illness and struggles with psychological problems but has never been treated properly for them and it destroyed me and my whole family. 

Do any of you ever struggle with feeling like your going insane?  Where you just are so stressed or whatever it may be, that you don't feel like yourself at all?  I get these strange episodes sometimes when it just feels like I'm not here, like the moment I am witnessing is just passing me by.  Do you ever feel like you can't control your own thoughts? Ultimately culminating into a panic attack or feelings of having a nervous breakdown?  Is this anxiety? Or should I be worried about other mental health disorders?  I've seen psychiatrists and counselors who all seem to think I'm fine.  Well, I've never had consistent visits to a psychiatrist, just once to explain my symptoms and what not when I had a major panic attack that landed me in the hospital back in October.  Either way,  I'd like to get an opinion from someone struggling with anxiety.

Thank you for taking the time to read this really long post and I hope that someone out there can relate to how I'm feeling and offer some advice.  I've never posted on one of these forums before even though I've come across quite a few in my fits of cyberchondriasm.  It was really Pans post that pulled me in and some of the great insight I've found here that I've not seen other places.  Anyway, I'm glad for any help or advice and I look forward to continuing to post here.

Paul

[sixpack]

MS is an exceedingly common fear around here.  The reason why is because anxiety can mimic MS symptoms.  They really seem to match up.  But anxiety causes all kinds of oddball things.  And yes it can make you feel like you are going off of your nut and others around you may think the same thing  .  But anxiety does this to a person.  And the more you worry the bigger the anxiety ( I call it BEASTY) gets.  It really feeds off of it all.  At some point your body becomes sensitized and you will have sensations even when you don't feel anxious.  Your body/mind is stuck in an over-reactive state.  Having said all of that, I am always for a person seeing a doc for a physical.  It is always good to discuss any concerns.  Most times a doc can allay your fears.  Then you can work on the anxiety issues.

I'm going to copy and paste one of my older posts here.  Some of the info may help you.

   anxiety can cause all kinds of symptoms

This is my "neuro" symptoms I've had.  Well it isn't a complete list.  From time to time I add to my list when I remember a new one.  Also this is just my "Neuro nasty list"  It doesn't include symptoms I've had as a result of other disease fears.     

 *Shocking pain down thigh and left arm--due to herniated disks
*Sciatica pain--due to stress and the disks
*back pain
*hip pain
*numbing and tingling over various parts of my body--fingers/toes/hands/feet/back/legs/stomach/groin etc
*tense muscles
*cramping muscles---feet/hands/hips/shins
*Twitching/spasms---all over my body.  My right thigh sometimes twitches quite hard--the entire muscle
*vibrating/buzzing limbs
*muscles feel weak/fatigued/heavy
*patches of skin or limbs that feel wet
*burning skin or chilled skin
*vision--jumpy eyes (not eyelid twitching, though I've had that), blurry vision, floaters (which have ZERO to do with MS), sore aching eyes, pain behind eye orbits
*sore aching muscles and joints--name a muscle and a joint and it's hurt me
*headaches---that just won't go with meds
*sharp/shooting/jabbing pains down my arms or legs or stomach or head
*dizziness--sometimes mild; sometimes I've been off balance.  Once it was a 'dizzy day'-I spent most in bed
*head feeling swirly
*jolting awake, trouble sleeping, waking with a panic feeling
*forgetfulness
*trouble saying words--saying the wrong word repeatedly
*face pain--primarily my right side of face--pressure
*TMJ pain
*ear pain
*trouble swallowing
*Stress incontinence--buy hey I've birthed quite a few kids
*very fatigued/tired
*trouble sleeping
*when anxious--fast movements muck with my eyes--makes me somewhat dizzy/headache--ie.  watching the page on the computer scroll down

This link takes you to a list of the most common anxiety symptoms:

http://www.anxietyzone.com/index.php/topic,17050.0.html

I don't live in a constant barrage of aches/pains anymore.  My mind and body have calmed some.  But it takes a leap of faith, several actually.  You have to accept logically (the easy part) and emotionally (the hard part) that anxiety can and will muck with you in all kinds of ways.  Once you can do that you will start to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Here are some suggestions--and I've posted this a few times  on what you can do to help you in your recovery

1. Therapy---meds if you and your doctor feel it is appropriate---everybody is different on this issue.
2. self-help books--lots of good stuff out there these days ---Claire Weekes has good books out there that explain how it all works.  I read The Roadless Traveled by M. Scott Peck many years ago.  He speaks to people in a variety of ways.  He has a few other books too.   
3.  Exercise---even if you don't want to.  At first you are likely to feel miserable and panicky feelings are likely to bubble up OR rush at you.  It is BEASTY (your anxious overthinking) causing this.  But do it anyway.
4.  Eat a healthy diet.  This helps on all kinds areas of your life.
5.  Forums often have helpful advice.
6.  Hobbies--anything that completely immerses you in it and keeps you occupied.  This helps because eventually you'll get snippets of time when you feel good.  These are teaching moments because then you know it is obsessions/anxiety mucking with you.  After a while those snippets turn to hours then days etc.
7.  Don't pity yourself.  You can have a happy life.   As we experience life, we change.  Having any form of anxiety will impact your life just like all life experiences do.  But that isn't necessarily a bad thing.  Even once you are on the road to recovery, you will have a 'new' normal but that doesn't mean you aren't happy and fulfilled.

     

[tigerpaw]

Let me remind you you can access the Chat Room, and talk live some of us here!  A great resource for you. Also you can post your favorite picture in the Members Gallery.
Lots to do here~

 

[Amylee]

Hi Paul Mayb you can read my post and you Wil see my experience....finally people that understand...i totally relate to the going crazy part I've thought loads of times that i was gonna have a break down or Mayb do somethin worse but i never have. its just a case of havin people supporting you and keepin you sane. it is hard and sometimes you feel that there is no hope and it will never be over. its a slow process but hopefully we can share are experiences and support you through this hard time. if you ever need to talk or have any issues just message me x

[Alix Vermulst]

Hi paul, it seems like I have a lighter form of what you had.
The first time i googled brain tumor about one week and a half ago. gave me my first serious panick attack. Since then i've had my first few mental unstable moments.
The worst were lying awake in bed. I was alone in the dark and was imagining ALL POSSIBLE negative thoughts that were irrational.
I even pictured how i was put in a situation where i had to choose between killing my mom and my sister.
I NEVER had anything like that before. It all started since that moment i googled.
But i sort of snapped out of it.
The moment i found this forum thing started to get better. I've talked wih freinds about it and it all helps out.

Ofcourse i didn't have the same youth as you and my thoughts and symptoms aren't as extreme as yours.
You will get over this Paul. One thing is sure. Thinking about it over and over CERTAINLY wont make it any better.

[Lanie]

Hi Paul,

Thanks for sharing your story. I can relate to some of what you said. First, I have acne too - it never used to bother me too much in high school because I figured it was a "teenage thing" and wasn't a big deal. However, coming out of college and STILL having acne (despite doing everything to treat it), I am always worried people are looking at my acne strangely now that I am in my mid-20s. It makes me anxious that I may not go far in my life/career because of it.

Secondly, about feeling like you are going mentally insane, I have been feeling that a lot lately as well. I can't control my moods or my thoughts either - Whenever I get anxious, I start thinking of worst-case scenarios and feeling like I am losing my mind. (Right now, for example, my untreated-bipolar mother is in my face and nagging at me like she always does - It makes me feel like I am about to boil over and completely snap). I have often fantasized about drinking my problems away or doing something brash to end my life/end these thoughts. I feel so disconnected from myself. It sounds to me like you are seriously distressed though. I think you may want to find a counselor who understands you better - I can't comprehend why anyone would say that you are fine when you told them these symptoms. Also, I try very hard to think of positive, happy things when I get this way (right now, to combat my mother nagging at me, I am thinking about funny comedy scenes from shows/movies I like so at least I am laughing in my head and not screaming) This helps, though doesn't fully solve the problem.

Journaling helps too - though, you have to be very careful what you journal and how much of it you do. What I mean by that is, often times writing all your bad thoughts is good but at the extremes, I have found it to be very unhealthy. I often write every negative thought, idea, etc down and have driven myself more crazy from doing it - essentially, all the pages get filled with the most negative rambling you could possibly imagine. Now I try to do a "every entry can start off negative but has to end with a positive" rule. It's been working pretty well thus far, but requires a great deal of mental energy to keep it on a happier light.

Hope that helps, I apologize if I may seem disorganized...Having a bit of an episode here myself, good luck!

[Phenix26]

Lanie - I really like your idea about journaling, it's definitely something I want to try out!

Tigerpaw - Thank you so much for letting me know there is a chat room, its pretty awesome!

Sixpack - Reading your list of symptoms and your post helps me find comfort. Thank you so much for the tips and for replying.

This is such a great forum and I am thoroughly amazed and impressed there is a chatroom, with plenty of people in it might I add at 11pm pst.  Who created this forum?

Thank all of you for responding to me and for the advice and comfort.  I will continue posting here and visiting often. Thank you!

[sixpack]

Lanie - I really like your idea about journaling, it's definitely something I want to try out!

Tigerpaw - Thank you so much for letting me know there is a chat room, its pretty awesome!

Sixpack - Reading your list of symptoms and your post helps me find comfort. Thank you so much for the tips and for replying.

This is such a great forum and I am thoroughly amazed and impressed there is a chatroom, with plenty of people in it might I add at 11pm pst.  Who created this forum?

Thank all of you for responding to me and for the advice and comfort.  I will continue posting here and visiting often. Thank you!

I'm glad you are finding the ZONE helpful.  We have members from across the globe.  I think that is part of the reason why chat can be busy in the later hours.  And you can thank Greygoose for creating this site.  He works like a dog to keep it up and running and looking pretty.