ROCD Help!

[Almyar]

I'm 17, and Gay. and have had four relationships. my first one was excellent. but he ended it with me, for reasons unknown. my second one was the same as the first. Now my third one is where my OCD begins to play into my relationship.

i was happy for about the first month. and then one day i was down, and he texted me. and i didn't feel like talking to him. and i had an intrusive thought "what if me not wanting to talk to him means i don't love him" and i freaked. and then from then on, i over analyzed things, and saw everything in a negative light, and the intrusive thoughts kept coming. it got so bad that i had to end it with him. i was unknowingly letting my OCD attack my relationship. i never realized it was going that route. i thought what i was thinking was real. on the sidelines though all three of my past relationships, there was one boy that i used to hang out with so much. i really liked him, and i knew he liked me, but i also knew that he was unsure of his sexuality. so i never made a move. then two weeks ago, he came out to me. and i had ended the relationship about a week earlier. i then proceeded to plot out how i was going to ask him out. all that time though i had this nagging fear that the same thing might happen with this one as it did with my ex. i really liked this boy. so i was hesitant to commit to him. but i did. the anxiety is much less with him, then it ever was. but tonight was the focal point. i was down. and he messaged me. and the same fear came back, not nearly as bad. but there nonetheless. i truly love this boy, and i want him forever. i do NOT want my OCD to screw this one up. i am currently not in therapy, or on any medication. but not soon enough. and i feel the distancing happening again. i cry over having these feelings, because i never want to lose him. but i never want to suffer like i did with my ex. i really have no idea what to do, i can get medication. but i love this boy so strongly. i just want to cry about this, because i keep having intrusive thoughts constantly about him. "just leave him" "how would i break up with him" "i don't want to talk to him right now, do i really love him" "why am i not home or at his house talking to him" and all this other stuff. i really love him and i want him forever. but my OCD is beginning to kill another one. please help me. i cannot let this happen.

[ocdengineer]

I had relationship anxiety when I was younger.  My very first girlfriend caused me tremendous anxiety.  Deep down I really wasn't into her that much, but it has happened every time since to varying degrees.  Here is what I know.  Firstly, you are too young to be thinking long term no matter how wonderful a relationship is.  So, take that weight off of the relationship.  There is no need to think long term about things at 17.  It adds too much weight to the relationship and probably a bit of fear.  The anxiety you are feeling is probably simply your fear of another rough relationship.  It is normal to be fearful, but not to the point where you don't explore your options, so consider what you have to be fearful of.  You apparently like this guy...  That in itself is enough to cause anyone fear, especially with a few bad breakups behind him.  There is also the fear of commitment.  Typical fear for most relationships which is why I suggested you remove the seriousness of the relationship.  Consider it an experiment in which you and this guy will attempt to enjoy your time together, however long that may be.  Long or short, enjoy the time you have.  Fear will just ruin it right from the beginning as you have already experienced.  My advice is to take a step back and try to figure out what your fears are.  Once you have an understanding of the fears, you can rationally decide how to deal with them.

Good luck,
OE

[Almyar]

I understand what causes my anxiety, it was mainly what happened in the past. i got over it. i feel nothing but happiness now. (Klonopins heh.)