Terribly Depressed, What to do? Help me please

[sabrina_d2d]

My story starts here, I have been married to a man for over 2 years, the 1st year we were together I left him after 3 months because I was afraid of the commitment, during that time he was sad, but soon forgot me because his love for his childhood neighbor had come back. I realized I wanted him back without knowing he had a thing for this girl. Everything was going great till one day I found out he was still talking to her, and to top it off she had gotten married. Well he stopped talking to her, but the damage was done, I had lost all trust for him. Over the next year and a half we had ups and downs, and when I'm saying up and down I mean heaven and hell type of thing. In my heart I truly love this guy. I feel that we are 1, but we always argue. I am willing to change not trusting him, I also have a problem I speak without thinking, but he also makes me feel angry that he doesn’t appreciate me. That is why I give him hell. So when it comes time to breakup I always find myself saying no I don’t want to. He always decides that it is best that we don’t breakup. This time our fight blew up like crazy. He had wanted to go out to a club and dance with a bunch of girls while I sat at home being a "good" girl. I listen and I work with him and try to make sure he is happy, is there anything wrong with me being upset that he wants to do these things? He used to tell me before that he was doing it and now he doesn’t say a word, he tells me he is going to play pool which is hard for me to believe because he doesn’t answer his phone. Should I ignore the fact that he is disrespecting my wishes and let him go and maybe he will get over going out to these clubs and realize he is doing something wrong, and maybe he will stop, or should I continue on being stubborn and telling him No not to go? Because we really broke up this time, and that is our only problem, I don’t want him doing these things, what must I do to make things better? I am terribly depressed mentally for what all happened. Please help.

[gloomy]

Tell me how does he go to clubs and communicate if he cant understand English.  I assume they are english speaking clubs.  I thought the language barrier between you two was very wide.  How do you argue so much then?  Maybe you could clarify these points so the board can support you.

[quentin9576]

Hi there, 

I feel for your situation. I have been with my girlfriend now for almost 6 years, so believe me; I too know a thing or three about arguments 

Hmm. I have a few things I'd like to say to you. First of all, do not give your husband "hell" for not appreciating you; that just makes the problem worse. Instead, as soon as he does something that upsets or hurts you, tell it to him straight: "it really hurts me that you want to go out without me." Then tell him why: "it makes me feel like I am not enough for you."

Secondly, it is never ok for your partner to ignore your wishes. Just make sure that you have expressed your wishes in a non-hostile way. Be honest, not angry. Talk from the heart he has caused, not the anger that this hurt brought you.

In my opinion, it is definitely not ok for your partner to be going to clubs without you. Hell, I wouldn't even go out and play pool without my girlfriend! But, hey. What it comes down to is this; express your needs and desires in as honest (i.e. non-aggressive) manner as possible. If your guy flagrantly violates these honest needs, ask him why he did so. I believe in second chances. But if this is a tendency, if he is simply not generous enough with his emotional effort, I would lose him. To my opinion you must read the book “Ten Days to a good Marriage” by Dr. Max Vogt Nevada City, California,  www.TenDaysToAGoodMarriage.com and somehow,  make him read the book too. Our relation was very strained but we have benefited meaningfully by reading the book. 

Good luck with your relationship!

[bcrazy]

For me personally...just being honest....I would look for someone that loves me, understands me, and wants to be there for me. I read your other post and this guy is in love with someone else, doesn't work, and can't speak to you because he only knows another language. I know it sounds retarded but there are other fish in the sea! I think you should start over! This will help with your depression! Go get a new haircut and a new outlook on life!

[apple]

I really dont see how he cant get a job but he can go out to a club.

In 2 posts you write about things that a marriage cant succeed with.  Altho I do believe a marriage is work, and just giving up without a fight to make it right...I do not believe marriage should have you that down.  I say if he isnt willing to work thru this and make you feel like the most precious jewel,  your marriage will probably never get where you wish it would go.  Then it becomes a matter of how long you stay. 

[apple]

I have a friend that married a japanese girl.  He is terribly unhappy.  He is the godfather of my oldest child, however has not see her since she was 3, she is now 11.  The only time he calls me is when his wife is in japan visiting her family.  Last year they didnt come to my wedding because she planned to work on their backyard that weekend.  One year he told me he was on the internet talking to other women.  I said "why are you with her if you are so unhappy?"  He answered "when there is only one fish in the sea,  you have to take it".  I felt so awful for him.  I didnt settle with the men in my past.  And because of that I now have the most amazing husband who makes me feel like the most treasured woman alive.

Dispite your hindered language barrier...you need to find out if your husband is willing to try to change the way your marriage is.  It really is unfair to both of you to be so unhappy.