Accepting a Diagnosis

[hornpipe2]

Hey all.  I'm a 26 year old married male with a specific problem.  I'll try to keep this as short as possible.

Recently my wife and I went through some marital difficulties from a problem I have being open and honest in our relationship.  I resolved to improve myself and be a better partner for her.  A couple weeks later, we got into a heated discussion and I said some hurtful stuff to her.  Thinking it over caused me to have feelings of extreme guilt, a fear that I would never be able to be a better partner (using my hurtful actions are proof)... this led me to convincing myself that I didn't love her and that things would be best if I divorced her so she could take care of herself, and I wouldn't drag her down any more.  I also worried that my feelings might not be normal, but decided I needed to go ahead and do this anyway.  (Also, I felt a strong need to get away so that I wouldn't have to feel those bad guilty feelings).

Well thank God we didn't get a divorce... but obviously, telling your spouse you want a divorce over something so small is way out of the norm, and it's put a lot of strain on our relationship since then.  We went to see her counselor last Wednesday (she has her own mental health issues and sees a PhD therapist regularly).  I described my thought process that led me to say I wanted a divorce.  He said that it sounded like I could have some issues of GAD - especially the part about worries about worries, and the part about convincing myself of things that are my big fears.  He mentioned that it is possible some medication like an SSRI may help with that.  My wife, a psych major, agreed with him immediately that it sounded like the most rational explanation for my behavior.

The problem I'm having is that my diagnosis hasn't yet "clicked" for me as being "yes, that's me exactly!".  Really, if I had GAD it would explain so much about me: I still fear rejection from my wife despite being together for 6 years, I have difficulties with honesty and openness, my feelings get self-absorbed and confusing when I get stressed, I have definite problems with anxiety in sexual situations, I get irritable and defensive, I yell and get abusive and try to control stressful situations, I bite my nails / tap my foot / pick up objects during conversation, I have trouble with eye contact / mumbling, I am non-assertive and indecisive in social situations.  It took me forever to type up this post because of all the editing and re-editing to make sure I'm accurate and concise and it's taken well etc.

There are some big issues for me that make it hard to swallow.  The first is the physical symptoms: I don't have panic attacks, shake uncontrollably, feel nausea, sweat profusely, get insomnia or wake up in the middle of the night, any of that stuff - classic anxiety physical signs.  When I feel keyed up or in a stressful situation I occasionally feel minor physical symptoms, but I can generally assign those to a response to specific stress.

The second is that it's not debilitating (to the degree that others describe).  I don't fear going out in public.  Heck I was in a band that flew cross-country and played in front of thousands, and though I felt a little stage fright the first couple times, I had no problems performing at shows.  I can hold down a job.  I've got a daughter and I have no unusual problems raising her.  I don't fear traffic accidents, death of loved ones, my own mortality (in a concrete and impending sense), homelessness, etc.  It doesn't keep me indoors.  Isn't that what GAD is about?

The third is my understanding of GAD as an underlying disorder.  I recognize that I have problems with anxiety, but when I look back on them they feel like spikes in response to stressful situations.  I am having a really hard time seeing how the way I feel in my day to day life, just sitting at a desk working or playing a game with my wife, is colored by a level of anxiety above what others feel.  Unless I'm trying to look back on why I acted a certain way, I feel "rational" and "relaxed" and totally "normal".  Shouldn't I know there is something wrong with me?

There's more little stuff too, but these three things are making it really easy for me to deny owning the diagnosis.  (Which I also know, if it's true, is getting in the way of me improving myself.  And maybe I'm just afraid to accept it and I'll take anything as a reason not to.  But then I'm probably overthinking it, and doesn't that mean I'm anxious?  etc)  Please help - any insight is appreciated!

[sixpack]

Hi and welcome to the ZONE.

You have written a well thought out post.  And I don't think anyone would take what you have written in a bad way.   

I think you may well have GAD or a form of it.  I think what newly diagnosed or at least possibly diagnosed people often struggle with is not fitting  the description to a tee.  Yes, that can make people not accept it.  However what I've learned is that anxiety is a varaible creature.  It doesn't affect everybody the same way at all.  Tt affects the individual in a way that will most disturb him/her.  It is also known to change for the individual over time.  For me I always wigged out on the physical aspects of anxiety.  Every little twinge would be squirreled away until my mind could turn it into some nasty little disease.  I've learned now that the physical, in addition to other reasons,  is often there to cover up something I should be paying attention to instead.  In your case, you can see that the physical often accompanies the trigger/stressor so it doesn't worry you.  Thus the physical aspects haven't become a problem.  I've NEVER feared going out in the public or speaking with people--I'm not shy at all.  And many folks with anxiety do not.  Agoraphobia affects some folks with anxiety but not all.  The things you describe are not necessary in order to have GAD.  As I said, anxiety is varied.  While many folks see some parts of the textbook description in them, many don't find much at all.  It is more important, IMO, that there are worries or disturbing thoughts that take over you.  Things you think about often that are troubling you.  Things that make you fearful.  To me that is anxiety.  And again, how it manifests itself in one person will be different than in another.  Your third hang up  ---you have anxiety in spikes rather than on a continual basis.  Well that is me typically too.

I don't know you, obviously, so I can't say for sure if you have GAD or at least tendencies towards it.  But it seems possible to me.  Actually in this day and age, I think most of us have tendencies towards anxiety.  Honestly I think of it as reaching a threshold.  Everybody can have anxiety issues.  Some folks threshold is lower and some folks are higher.  I think that it can be triggered so that a person is very debilitated by it daily for months or years  OR   it can be triggered in response to stress--only bothered by it during those times.

At this point in the game-- --I think you are doing it right.  You are trying to find out if this is you.  You are looking for opinions.  You're educating yourself.  If you end up accepting the diagnosis, then you will, undoubtedly, make a plan to nip it in the bud OR at least learn how to deal with your anxiety more effectively when the stresses come your way.

[hornpipe2]

Thanks for your reply, it was really helpful.  I ended up seeing a family doctor on Tuesday, described my symptoms, etc.  He prescribed Celexa 20mg which I've been taking daily.  The change has been subtle and yet dramatic at the same time (if that makes sense, lol), and it's only been 2 days since then.  I'm in a better mood, my confidence is boosted, etc.  Interestingly I'm now noticing a couple of physical symptoms (hot flashes mostly) in situations where I used to feel anxious, but the thoughts aren't there any more.

Needless to say I'm now certain I have at least some degree of GAD, which primarily comes out in social interaction (of any kind - 1 on 1, group settings, etc).  I'll see a therapist to work out any remaining issues, and stay on the medication since it seems to be working so well.

[sixpack]

Thanks for your reply, it was really helpful.  I ended up seeing a family doctor on Tuesday, described my symptoms, etc.  He prescribed Celexa 20mg which I've been taking daily.  The change has been subtle and yet dramatic at the same time (if that makes sense, lol), and it's only been 2 days since then.  I'm in a better mood, my confidence is boosted, etc.  Interestingly I'm now noticing a couple of physical symptoms (hot flashes mostly) in situations where I used to feel anxious, but the thoughts aren't there any more.

Needless to say I'm now certain I have at least some degree of GAD, which primarily comes out in social interaction (of any kind - 1 on 1, group settings, etc).  I'll see a therapist to work out any remaining issues, and stay on the medication since it seems to be working so well.

I'm glad you are seeing some improvement.  I wish you all the luck in the world.  And I'm glad my post was helpful 

[tigerpaw]

   Wow great idea!  Just a reminder you can post your picture in the members Gallery! Visit and see the rest of us who have posted!