For Gloomy, but I'd like to share with everybody,
Hope you're feeling better already.
This "end of the road" feeling, while some have a depression and then recover for good, others (like you and me, for instance), seem to have it from childhood and to fall into depression every now and then, as if we never really recover completely and, instead, have some good moments and then go back to a sadness and hopelessness that never really goes away. It feels like the end of the road, but we do manage to get a little better eventually, don't we?
Depression hits different people in different ways, and the energy to resist to such unbearable sadness is exhausting.
There's this idea that depressed people are weak. I think this is idea results from people's ignorance. They go through seasonal depression once and then go "oh, I beat depression, it's all a matter of inner strength, etc.". Pathetic. I've met many people with this attitude, often they made me feel worse, few have kind words. They beat it with inner strength alone? Good for them, it would be interesting to see how they'd get along with real depression, of feeling so bad one just wants to turn off for good, of having to deal with traumatic past everyday, of resisting breaking up in front of people and smiling instead when one really feels devastated inside.
So, maybe we're not that weak. Just by reading your posts I can see how strong you are, how caring your posts to people facing the same problem are, the strength they reveal. It's moving.
Lately I had a couple of days I wasn't depressed. I got to see how different things are then, that my life isn't such a messy problem, that I'm not a problem, that there are good things and people. Unfortunately, these moments tend not to last long, and when we hit the bottom all our sane thoughts seem to be a lie, that there's no real reason to continue. But there is. In my "sane" moments I can see that, just like you can. That's what we must think of when we're down, that we are stronger than we think, that we do have lots of reasons to keep on going, resisting when things are bad, doing our best to get better when we have enough strength to take action.
I've been living under the 0119 shadow for half my life. I've hurt myself in many ways, made a fool of myself for others amusement, as if I had to make myself pay for being who I am. It took me a long while to get some inner peace, to face my past and recognize that I'm not guilty for being physically and psychologically hurt and neglected both as a child and as a grownup. People don't know that (and I certainly don't owe them any explanations for being who I am), but I know it, and that's enough.
We must learn to live with who we are, what people are, what life is. To accept both our weaknesses and strengths, since we all have both. To remind ourselves of that, and that depression is like an emotional myopia that makes us see bad things alone, when truth is life's both good and bad. Let's work and wait for the good bits. Let's allow them to happen. Let's be friends of ourselves for a change and take a deep breath when we're feeling bad, and think of how good it is when we feel good. And never give up.
Happy new year to all.
lenny
