just how i feel.

[Jorden_M]

I can't seem to help but blame myself for my anxiety, depression...just..idk. I know its not my fault but I feel that somehow it is...maybe if I went and saw my step mother more b4 she died, maybe if I didn't stay in my previous relationship as long as I did. (it was abusive) just a lot of things go through my head. I know its not my fault but..I can't help it ya know? I get so irritable and angry when I'm anxious..I don't mean to but I end up taking it out on my fiancee without meaning to, (Just being grumpy)which makes me angrier b/c I know good n well she doesn't deserve it. I'm scared to take anxiety medication because I'm paranoid of allergic reactions, I don't want to mix medications and I'm about 40% convinced I have a heart problem and I don't want to make it worse by putting chemicals in my body that I don't understand..mthat and I'm already taking ranidatine for my gerd which was hard enough to even get me to open the damn bottle. I have a phobia of medications..which is another reason I blame myself...I go back and forth arguing with myself about how I'm only crippling myself by not taking the meds that I HAVE to get over my anxiety, but I'm too scared to take them..the thought goes through my head, "which is worse?...possible death from allergic reaction or heart attack (if I have a heart issue) or living with anxiety?" I'd prefer to LIVE with anxiety...I can't get over that hump...I'm stuck between a rock and a flippin hard place here! The only reason I take my gerd medication is because a) I saw a scary statement on web md about how "gerd is rarely fatal by itself" RARELY....but still possible..that and I bucked up and want to see if this takes care of my stomach and chest sensitivity and breathlessness..if it takes care of it..I can relax...but I am having heart testing done here soon...either way I find out about both...just hoping I can stop crying over the stupidest things that I know are illogical! I'm so tired of feeling irritable and grumpy all the time at ppl who have done nothing to deserve it! I guess I don't know how to NOT blame myself..part of me thinks I have every reason to..but the other half Is saying, "don't be so hard on yourself..its not your fault". I just...I don't think I am the "jordi/jorden" everyone knew and loved prior to this...illness or whatever u wanna call it. I don't think I am the same person.mm but I don't want to be anyone else..I want to be me again. Always smiling, VERY level headed and responsible, active part of the community, a "go getter" drive, a great sense of humor, (always joking about something.) A writer, lover of animals, a spontaneous person,traveler ( a true sagittarius. Lol)ect. I just..idk...I want to be that person again and I am scared I'll never get her back. I was...happy...ME. I'm sick of crying and being scared of every little thing in this world...ya know? Idk.

[surfmonkey]

I can really relate to you. I really can. About everything. I realized that I need to stop blaming myself. What good does that do? Ok I've realized I fucked up now what? Doesn't sound so good does it dude? It just won't do you any good! You haven't fucked up and its not your fault. Do you feel like its your fault bc your not fixing the problems? Sometimes you can't fix it right away. I blame myself for so much and I look down on me but what I need to do to get through the day is care about me! I need to take care of me! If you blame yourself your not taking care of yourself! That's step one to getting back to who you need to be. Step one is to stop blaming yourself! Step two, let the abuse go. Its taken me a while to get let my abusive ghost cross over. Some people may "love" us but they have a bad of showing it. I dk if you stayed out of fear or love but its over now. Its ok dude, you can breathe now.
It seems like you need to vent or need some company that understands. For the record, ill listen :)

[Jorden_M]

thank you surf monkey....that *truly* means alot to me. as for why i stayed...i thought i loved her, it was a co-dependency thing and i figured i couldnt do any better.

[surfmonkey]

Doesn't it suck to be codependant on a real jerk? I was afraid to be alone so I stayed. Abusers are sooooo good at tricking you into thinking there's a problem with you. Which there isn't!

[Jorden_M]

Oh god yeah! I'm so glad I'm no longer in that sitation...I never had anxiety disorder until I got into that relationship. I'm officially KICKING myself for it now. Lol. Any time I would get anxious when she would scream at me I would ask her to "please not yell its getting me panicky". She would flip out even more and tell me not to blame her for my anxiety/problems. Of course everything was my fault. Then again that's how it is with abusers. They are all "perfect." I'll overcome this. Slowly but surely.

[surfmonkey]

See there ya go! People thinking they have no problems. People thinking there 0103 smells like roses. Those are people I'm sure you have learned to sort through. My bf would flip my stories into something they were not and then would be a jerk about it. For no reason. It made me super anxious! Are you anxious bc your not reassuring yourself its over? I ask bc you said it never started until her.

[Bunglefever]

Speaking of relationships, I had mild anxiety all my life and it really went away after high school. Then in the winter between 1st and 2nd semester of my 1st year in college (I had a great 1st semester, no problems at all) I met this girl. I had never had a real relationship so for the next 3 months I stayed with this girl as she lied to me cheated on me and flaunted it trying to make me angry and cause drama. About 2 months or so into the relationship college started again and my anxiety went through the roof! I know I caused myself some damage by staying with her because I didn't care enough about myself to do anything but do you two think this could have triggered the anxious mess that is me now with all my social fears and physical pain and chest problems, headaches, irrational fears etc...

[surfmonkey]

Did she really really effect you? How does it all make you feel emotionally? Other than anxiety. More detail would be easier to determine. You feel free to say anything that's on your mind

[Bunglefever]

Well she was just mentally abusive and a liar and a cheater. On new years of 2007 she told me she couldn't come out because she was grounded (she was 17, I was 18) and so that was fine so I did my own thing and the next day she posted pics of herself out with her friends and having a good time. I didn't hear from her til the 2nd.

 Since she was my first gf I put up with it because I didn't want to be alone again. I mean having your first kiss at 18 you can imagine the road before. And not to toot my own horn but I'm not a terrible looking guy, I take care of myself, stay in shape etc...

 But I think letting that continue had some prolonged, subconscious effect because later in 2008, months  after we broke up I went through a 5-6 month manic-depression and I was the most dangerous person on the earth at that time. I had developed different persona's to avoid my anxiety, I would laugh hysterically at things that just weren't funny or were even cruel. I would strap my body head to toe with knives and walk around at night waiting to be harrassed.

 Now I'm so depressed and anxious, I have these terrible chest pains and headaches. At starbuks today one of the cashiers made a swatting motion at someone and I jumped as if she was gonna throw something at me or hit me. I never used to be like that.

 Idk, I'm with a wonderful girl now who loves me and wants to have a future and family with me and I'm so ridden with anxiety that I always feel Im going to die soon and be taken away from her.

[surfmonkey]

I'm very sorry to hear that. People can be so mean ya know? Trust me I have had a few bad relationships and they always lied and did 0103 like that. I think if that break up effected you so severely then yes that is where this anxiety comes from. Maybe from putting yourself in such a depressive state your mind has not gotten out it so it is finding a new way to react, hense your anxiety. I to am always jumpy and very much afraid something will take my husband away from me. However I need to reassure myself that nothing will. The headaches could be from stress that anxiety causes you. The chest pains are extremely common in anxiety patients. I went to a dr for that problem and all the tests came back normal. They were severe pains like I thought I was having a heart attack. See a dr to reassure yourself your ok and know that the anxiety is only causes the pains and in turn knowing your ok will most likely make them go away. That's what happened to me. If your serious about girl then grab a hold and don't let go! I know your scared but god forbid something could take you away from her, would you wanna disappear knowing you never tried to be happy? Be happy! You owe this to yourself and her :) its so hard to find an amazing companion. Don't let go because your scared! You my friend can do this if you really want it!

[Jorden_M]

surfmonkey...you are an incredibly sweet person you know that? i honestly dont know why i was so anxious...i knew it was over...i think it was the fact that I couldnt let her go because i cling to whats familliar. i dont know....out of simple curiousity i went to her 0247 page and hunted her down....as soon as i saw her picture my heart damn near jumped right out of my chest ans was beating SO hard...idk how fast it was going bt something tells me i dont want to know... i ant een ook at the girls piture without my heart racing involuntrily to where i can hardly control it. i remember when i was little i couldnt handle ANY form of confrontation. whenever it would occur my heart would race and i would feel a panic attack coming on..i dont know where it rooted from because i can remember it happening for as long as i can remember....that is partially why i have clung to "i have a heart problem". (even though i know better) Tiffany was a cruel, messed up person. and i have let her go, at least conciously. but i have such a hard time trusting anyone anymore.  i am married to a WONDERFUL woman now who has been my best friend for eleven years. been there through thick and thin. but even though she has never wronged me..i cant gt the "shes gonna cheat on me" out of my head...i caught myself going through her phone today and once i realized it i about went into tears.. she would never even fathom doing that and eep down i know it. she treas me like gold and i feel  as though i have done nothn in my life to deserve such treatment....my god i need a counselor!....hahaha! my theory is that i push the ones i love away subconciously b/c i feel i have don too much wrong in my life to deserve love. Now my theory as to why i think that way...ehh...its a little hazy..but here goes everything. lol. there are many reasons as to why i think i dont deserve love. A.) everyone i loved has hurt me or let me down in one way or another. my grandmother who i used to be close to turned on me when i told her i was gay. all i ever hear from her now is how im a pervert and how she has to lie to everyone about my wife i's relationship bc she doesnt want to lose her friends from church due to my sick lifestyle. my entire family (with the exception of my mother) look down on me for that and the fact that at one point i struggled with money so im now"the family bum" even though i dont have those issues anymore.. that trained my brain to believe i really am worthless. Then heres "my ex factor" every person i have ever dated has cheated on me (with the exception of two. one of which i am still friends with). My mother had rocky relationships my entire life...one was abusive. i was always moving frm place to place always making new friends, always being made fun of because i looked and acted like a boy. i became afraid of school, afraid to speak up...afraid to be me. My last ex who i brought up in my most recent reply..her name was Tiffany. i remember when we first got together..she made me laugh and smile.. i felt young again. i felt as if i had my teenage years back that i never truly got to live out..now that i think back...thats probably why i was with her in the first place...to live out what i never got to. when my mother was in her abusive relationship..i was the fat one, i was the geek, the nerd.. and i was forced to look it by my mothers significant other. i wasnt allowed to eat as much as mom and "the other one" because i was dieting. i finally lost the weight required and even then i as still occasionally locked inside my bedroom at mealtimes "because i was mouthy" while the rest of the family ate at the dinner table. it made me angry...very angry. years down the road my mother finds her last relationship..i turn 16 years old and i'm a punk, and i look it too. my hair is short and messy spiked,i wear baggy jeans with chains hanging low off them,polo t-shirts, my boxers show..yeah typical punk look. lol. haha! im no geek anymore.. im short fused with my mom and her significant other, im always grounded, and still...no life...but my mother is happier than shes ever been and i feel like "the victim". i felt as if the for past i dont know how many years i never got any "positive attention" and damnit i was starving for it. "tell me imgood at something, tell me im a good girl, anything! please!..im not a bad kid..i promise.." i could tell u so many things that went through my head...i eventually felt as though i didnt matter and i sunk into a deep, dark depression. my dating period starts..i dated many girls...but only 3 that had an effect on me. girl one...Bobbie. i was with her for 5 years. she cheated on me with MANY people. guys AND girls, she manipulated me the entire time. i paid for everything right down to the clohes on her back..which caused my money issues that i previouly mentioned earlier in this reply. i had many people including the one i am married to now warning me about her...and of course i didnt listen... girl number two......Tiffany......i was with her for 2 years. Tiff had an anger problem to say the least...she was bi polar, manic depressant, she was a pot head and had a deep rooted fear of commitment. that by itself spells out "DANGER". there were times i didnt have to do much of anything for her to flip her lid... i remember times where i would just make a friendly suggestion as to how to better get along with the family and next i know..she LITERALLY had a mental breakdown where she would once again LITERALLY try ram her head through the bedroom wall. she was nuts! her family yes had issues but nothing like her.. her mother passed down a genetic case of bi polar...tiff has no medication for it and probably never will. i tried offering to get it paid for but she would make excuse after excuse to not do it. i remember when we were staying the night at her older sisters place after helping them move..i made a simple joke to try make her smile and she hauled off and backhanded me. she was flirtacious with her friends right in front of me. i would ask her to stop and she would do nothing but get angry and tell me to "get over it and it was just a joke and how if i have a problem with her and her friends to go the hell home." she barely kissed me, all her and her friends EVER did was smoke pot and drink vodka and listen to techno on every occassion they EVER got. true partiers. Me, im not partier in ANY sense of the word nor' have i ever been. im a very peaceful, meditative, spiritual person. i dont smoke, dont drink, dont do drugs, dont eat junk food at ALL yes that includes candy and sweets, no caffeine in any form including chocolate, no sodas, sweets...nothing. i also wont drink anything carbonated. im a very healthy person. i dont like rock music nothign mainstream really..i'll listen to it on a VERY rare occasion but for the most part i cant handle it. it drives me batty! my music of choice is the sound of nature. i also love the native american flute. its peaceful and honest. native american music is natural and i love that. Now the last girl i will tell you about is Krysta. she is the one i am married to now. We have been best friends for eleven long years. Never has she wronged me in any way, she's...a truly wonderful person... i guess u can say she tamed me in a way... i remember the one time we got into an argument before we got togeth for something she said to tiffany and she asked how she could make it up to me. KEpp in mind it was almost 3:00 in the morning...i flat out said,  "take me to portland to see tiffany so i can end this fight" shes like, "now?!?" and all i said was "yes." next thing i know she drove an hour from eugene all theway down to albany where im at, picked me up and drove me an hour and a half to portland..then ALL THE WAY BACK to eugene....all in the same night..... THAT my friends....is love. hahahahahaha!! but in all seriousness, when we finally got together i was very wary. i had already been beaten up emotionally, physically, and just about in every other way imaginable. she would go to hand something to me..i'd flinch. she'd go t kiss me, i'd flinch. she'd ask me to try harder at something, i'd cry thinking i'm a **** up. it took me a VERY long time to get over most of what tiffany had instilled in me. Remember how i told me about my mothers last relationship where she was happy? they were together my entire teenage life. superbowl sunday 2 years ago my mothers partner passed away from stag 4 lung cancer...they caught it too late. i learned to love and trust her partner "Car". she was truly the most amazing, grumpy-yet cute, amazing gourmet cook and the most wonderful person you could ever meet. She was my superman and everything i had ever wanted in a role model. she taught me sense, trust, the love of travel, and most of all, acceptance and responsibility. that woman...could do anything. i remember her telling me how she saw alot of herself in me which was why she was she hard on me at times...because she she loves me and wants to see me succeed. she taught me that anger will take me nowhere in life..that i need to learn to accept what happened in the past and learn to let it go...I had my first real family with Car. and when she died...it devistated me. once agin i felt like the victim...everything i ever wanted had been ripped away from me. i felt as if the devil was toying with me or something. he was my puppeteer and i was the one attatched to the strings...all of a sudden i started developing panic attacks...it was a gradual thing. i only saw Car once before she died...long story short i kept making excuses as to whyi culdnt come over...whch terribly hurt Car...she knew i was lying to her and that i was less than an hour away..i was always in portland with tiffany...finally i called one day and asked if i could come over..car said no and that if i wanted to come over i shouldve when it was offered the many times they called.. i got off the phone extremely upset...about 15 minutes later i got a call from my mother
saying i could. i took the max to beaverton and went over to her house...when i got there i was in shock...Car had no hair due to chemo and she couldnt stand n her own without a cane and her electronic chair that would do most of the work....i about dropped to my knees in tears.... i spent my time there with no regrets. when ileft i kissed her on the head and told her i love her...That was the last time i saw her. she passed away in the hospital while i was at work. i got a call from my mom about a week or two after she died saying she was no longer with us.. i literally burst into tears asking why she never called me and if she think she at least knew i loved her. her answer was cold and cruel. "because i needed my time too Jorden and i dont know you were never there to tell her." we've since made up and talked through everything. and personally i forgave her. i know she knew i loved her. just because she is gone physically..doesnt mean her spirit doesnt still live on. i learned that after she passed but thats a completely different story. but anyway back to my point. lol. after she died i started developing anxious habits eventually turning into a full on panic attack with disrealization, depersonalization, i literally felt as though i was floating..not walking. everythign looked funny, felt funny, i had cotton mouth, everything...my heart rate was 200bpm..i thought i had a heart attack. nope. all panic. i have a common case of PTSD from Car dying (she was with my mom for years), i have hypochondria to the point where i cant handle being in the room with someone talking about death or heart issues, health issues in general get me thinking theres somethign wrong with me and i compare symptoms with them...im BAD about it. i had BAD agoraphobia..not anymore though its pretty minor now. at one point i couldnt leave the house without panic.  other than that i just have depression and panic disorder (GAD).  my ending point to all of this ramble is that because of all this crap i have dealt with...i cant trust... i'm afraid it'll just leave at the end or hurt me in some way..or better yet...i'll get sick and die before i can truly be happy again. i dont trust LIFE. all i want....is someting..to not hurt me. i guess i dont understand what  did so wrong to deserve all this pain have felt and carried on my shoulders for so long. what is it here to teach me?..cause i REALLY want to know.. it just hurts. actually....typing this all out feels pretty damn good. haha. even though the entire internet can read this. anyways, im sorry this has been so long...lol i do appologise. 

-Jorden

[surfmonkey]

Hey jorden :) glad to see your back! You sound like me in a huge sense. I also have had everyone I've ever dated cheat on me! I have been with 3 girls who actually impacted me. I have never had a stable home. My parents house was always where I "lived" but I jumped from house to house all my teenage years. I personally don't believe the pain and suffering you have expierenced is trying to teach you something. I think you taught yourself! I tell myself everyday that I'm stronger for beating what I have. You my friend are stronger to! I was a drug addict,had an eating disorder,was verbally and physically abused, but its all past me! Except the abuse,I'm now dealing with that. Have you ever really dealt with the abuse? Or did you just let it go? You have to deal with it to move on. I dated a girl for 5years off and on and she verbally abused me for years. She would kiss other people in front of me. We had to sneak around and run away just to be together. She tore me apart. I'm just now dealing with the pain she caused me and that was 3years ago. I'm married to a fantastic man! He's great. I often am afraid something will take him away from me. Just like your afraid that something with go bad in your relationship. Its because now you have something so great that you realize any tiny thing could rip them away from you! Its scary I know but try to focus on how amazing they are. If you focus on how you can't trust her then your not soaking up all of her amazingness jorden. That's what you should be doing! She does that with you everyday! She soaks up how amazing you are so she never forgets. If she hasn't cheated on you yet then she probably isn't going to. I say that because she has been faithful to you because she loves you. Her eyes are only for you. If you change and you start looking through her phone and you show that you don't trust her then you will drive her away one day. That is where cheating comes in. Just stay who you are and always give her what you can and she will have no reason to cheat. I'm very use to being treated badly and being cheated on by now. Maybe this not so much because of what is wrong with us jorden. The question is what was wrong with the people we dated? For starters they abused us. They pushed us down when we were already down! There screwed up not us! Its taken me so long to realize that!! I dated a girl marlene.she was crazy! She was abusive and she was bi polar and skitzo. She never took meds. She would freak out and wouldn't let me touch her. She would attack herself. She kissed another person and that was what really drove me down. That was one of my kissed she handed out! Those are sacred! I really know how your feeling on that stuff. But you have to know it wasn't your fault. One relationship that's serious that's abusive leads to a chain of abuse because you find that certain category of people to be attractive and comfortable however its the wrong category. You need to treat your soul better :) your on a great path right now so don't second guess yourself to much! All of the abuse you underwent was bc of someone who was fucked up! The good people don't abuse you! Sure there were more bad people than good people but that's bc we stick to what we know so we stick to bad people. Its the same with the people your mom dated who treated so wrong!! People can be very stubborn. They think they are doing the best logical thing but really what they are doing is abusing you. Locking you in a room, making you eat less. That's abuse. Learn to think for yourself! Set a high standard for yourself and stick to that. What other people say about you doesn't make it true! We listen to the bad stuff more than the good stuff and I dk why but we do. You need to erase all the bad memories and make new ones. Make positive ones! People don't always give off a red flag when you first meet them so sometimes its hard to tell if there unhealthy for you. When your done reading this I want you to do one sweet thing for your wife. It can be small or huge! But something out of the ordinary. Something to say "I love you with all of my being and thank you so much for letting me love you." Something to show how YOU feel. I feel privilaged to be married to my husband. He indeed is the best I've ever had. I write him little notes or make him something. Do that for your wife. Make her feel unconditionally special and see how good it will make YOU feel in the end. Its a boost to both your self esteem. To spend your life hand in hand with someone is by far the best gift. There are some ghosts you can't run away from but then there are some who will never catch you. I've told this to a few people on this forum, "this captain goes down with the ship" I live by that. It means that you take pride in yourself and you will stick by who you are no matter what. A captain never abandons ship. When a pirate tells a captain his sails are tasteless he just laughs and makes them walk the plank! You can simply laugh off bad comments and in the end those people suffer on there own. Self guidance, self control, and peace brings you a happy life. If you get angry for something petty then you suffer because there is nowhere to direct that rage. I'm a humble peaceful person and so are you. We have a serious advantage in life. Take care! If you ever wanna talk I'm always here :)

[surfmonkey]

Oh yeah, about me being a sweet person I thank you :) I have a lot of love to give and I try to extend that as much as I can. Your the only one to notice

[Jorden_M]

you reply honest to god made me cry. thank you. u truly are a blessing to have on this site. thank you...honestly. iw ill definately be in touch

[surfmonkey]

Thank you :) you don't how good that made me feel :) I hope all is well for you!

[Jorden_M]

lol things are slowly getting better...im glad that made u feel good. anxiety, depression, ptsd....it sucks. it truly takes just about everything out of you. u experience depersonalization...u push everyone and everything u love away...and u dont even mean to. its one hell of a journey..but we'll all eventually come out of it. we'll defeat this s.o.b. and dont let anyone tell u different ;)

[surfmonkey]

See that's what I'm talkin about! That's the attitude! We need to have this attitude everyday and we will crawl out just fine :) I'm glad to have helped. It really made me feel better :) like I said if you ever wanna talk I'm here :)

[Jorden_M]

Lol I try! And I will certainly do