Don't like being the center of attention

[thinker247]

So tomorrow evening, I invited some friends to celebrate my birthday at a nightclub. The thing is that I am feeling really anxious about it now. I feel really apprehensive and afraid of being the center of attention since tomorrow will be my birthday. I organized this evening because I felt like I had to, like people would otherwise wonder why I didn't do anything for my birthday. Now I just regret it (actually I dread my decision). I feel like I am always pretending. I feel like there is a part of me that is social and longs to be in the company of people, but the way I am doing it is just not me. It's so frustrating and confusing wanting to be with friends and to have a good time, but not being able to enjoy it. I feel like I am acting all the time, and if I don't keep up this act, people will catch on and pay attention to me and really scrutinize me for it. By the way I hope I am posting this in the right place because I have never really viewed myself as having social anxiety, but the more I read descriptions and other peoples' posts about it, the more I see a similarity with what I am going through and what the profile of someone with social anxiety is. Plus my psychiatrist recently told me that I sound like I may have social anxiety.
Anyway, I'm just tired of my mind giving me mixed signals. I want to be social, but I fear it, and sometimes I feel like I want to project an image of being social more than actually being social. I am so sick of it! I feel like I keep throwing myself into social, academic and professional situations that make me a nervous wreck because of what I perceive other people to expect of me. Someone please help me to understand this a little more. Thanks. 

[freedish]

sounds like your anxiety has something to do with not being yourself

i used to do that in high/school college A LOT. i always felt like i had to control the way i acted towards my friends cause they wouldn't like the real me. i dropped out of college because i had a nervous breakdown and now im doin a lot better as far as just being myself in social situations. i dont feel the need to control the way i act as much...i can be myself and it is so relieving. the great part is when people actually like you for you... ;)

btw its OKAY if you don't feel like being social. like if you don't feel like celebrating your birthday, just tell them the truth...if you really don't feel like having a party...its OKAY no one is gunna think you're weird, and if they do they care WAY too much about other people's business and they are the ones that are weird.

[thinker247]

I'm glad to hear you beat your fear of not fitting in. How the heck did you do it? I recently dropped out of Grad School because of anxiety. It cost me a lot of money and really affected my confidence. I have found myself thinking recently how my anxiety and self esteem have worked together to stop me from doing things I want to do.
Thanks for responding.

[silent]

thinker247, I liked ur post...it kinda describe Me.     thats me a people pleaser and disassociation with myself...seeing myself as in terms of what People will think abt me/how they would like me to respond to a situation

[bls27]

Don't worry about what other people think of you.  I know it is way easier said than done as I have the same problem.  You have to realize that you do not have to put on a show for them, especially on your birthday.  Realize that they like you and enjoy your company obviously because they want to be around you and celebrate with you.  You do not have to win anyone over.  You don't even have to talk at all if you don't want to.  Remember that there are other people there that will take turns in supplying conversation and that can take care of themselves.  You will have fun!  I bet the next day you will say "wow, I had a really fun night. I am glad I went out"  What is the worst thing that could happen to you anyway?  Your friends are going to tell you "why arent you interesting?"  I dont talk that much around my friends and they have never said that.  One time when i was out with my friends I didnt say anything for 2 hours straight.  I was so anxious and worried about them not having a good time but they called me the next morning and said "we had a really good time last nite"  Just thought that would help.  Let me know how it goes