Relationships

[itsjustme]

hmm...I don't know where to post this topic. I'll post it here, maybe it'll get moved to an appropriate spot.

So...does anyone have difficulties with relationships because of your anxiety? I guess this could apply to any kind of relationship, but I'm talking specifically about a romantic relationship.

Here's my story, I was with a guy for close to 5 years. I broke up with him because I'm still young and wanted to date other people (and plus he had a horrible temper which I hated...not physically abusive or anything though, so don't worry). But I have not even really dated anyone. I went on two first dates with two different guys, those didn't lead to anything. And I was sorta with another guy for a few months, but nothing serious.

Now I've started being on and off again with my ex because I find it hard to meet other people. I know "normal" people may find it hard to, but it's especially hard for me because of anxiety. It takes me forever to feel comfortable and be myself around someone. I never go out anywhere that I could meet people. I'm never the kind of person who initiates conversations and asks guys out or anything. I tend to cling to the ex because I feel like he's my "safe person" and he already knows about my anxiety and it doesn't bother him. Thing is- I love him, but I am NOT in-love with him- I'm just finding it extremely hard to let go. I keep thinking, "well, maybe I should just be with him because no one else would want to deal with my problems and I can never meet anyone, blah blah blah." So we got back together for all of 2 months before his temper reappeared. I just can't take that quick temper yelling thing he does- reminds me of my mom when I was a child which probably contributed a lot to my anxiety.

So that's my relationship story...how about you all?

[o-ren]

My last "real" relationship was actually destroyed because of anxiety.  I did not know what it was and it hit me like a truck.  Confused, angry and frustrated, it was only a matter of time till my mental problems transfered to my relationship.

One day I woke up and it was all gone 

I know I am not good into details, but thats what happened in a nutshell. 

[xxblacklush]

I`m dating a guy right now we`ve been dating for about two years. He knows about my issues but thankfully has been there for me. Sometimes we fight over my anxiety && other issues but he usually ends up stopping the fight as he knows that upsets my anxiety more.

The last relationship I had before him was the cause of my anxiety so yeah I guess you could say I witnessed a relationship crash && burn because of my issues. Unfortunately I guess if they do they do, if someone cannot accept you for who you are && try to help you out the best way they can then maybe your not supposed to be with that person.

Either way, I hope you && your guy get everything straightened out!

[MistaVega]

Hmm... I haven't even been in a relationship and I'm 19. I'm not an ugly person or like way overweight or anything--I guess I'm just to chicken sh*t to start one. It's funny because I can talk to pretty girls and be fine, but when the conversation starts getting into deep stuff I'm all guarded and start acting nervous. All throughout high school I've could've been in tons of relationships, because chicks practically flock to the Vega-Myster©(jk), but seriously:

I don't know if it's due to  my anxiety or if it's  just me being a chicken sh*t.

[mca1975]

hi, i suggest that anxiety in a relationship, especially where the other person is supportive, trusting and reassuring, usually means that you are not in love with them but are not facing up to it. its no-ones fault.  But the anxiety is your gut feeling tellin you this mixed in with guilt, but you are surpressing it. i know this through experience and since I faced up to it, i have felt like a weight lifted from my shoulders. but alas, it has been replaced with sadness and loss but I suggest that is the loss of the relationship/familiarity

i hope this will help someone. i know it may scare some of you too, butsaying that im sure there are instances where it really is the anxiety destroying it and that you are in love

[anxiousinfla]

This is always an issue for those of us who suffer AND for those who don't. It's perfectly "normal" to stay in a relationship be it healthy or unhealthy when you have been robbed of your self confidence. Like you said, it's your "safe zone". Anxiety disorders will erase your confidence. It's very important to take that step out of a not so good relationship, and not jump back into one right away. Give yourself some time. Get to know yourself.

If you're on medication and it's working and/or you're in active therapy, the self confidence will return. Talk to your Doctor or therapist. Express your feelings. You will know when you are ready for a new and healthy tryst.

If you feel it important for that person to know about your health issues, (share it when you are ready, and only when you are ready), tell them. If they really care for you, they will do a little research on their own to understand you. They can always sit in on therapy with you or visit this forum (when you are ready). If they are unwilling to learn about it, they are not worthy of you. Always remember, you are the MOST important person. Take care of YOURSELF first!
 

[shari]

hey.. i'm new. I'm a 14 year old gay girl with GAD and panic disorder. well my relationship ended about.. a month ago but because we still acted very "coupley", it didn't feel like a break up. but then she told me.. afew days ago that she only loves me as a friend etc.. which hurt like hell.. but anyway.. yeah my anxiety didn't contribute to the break-up in my opinion but it defo caused problems. Because my anxiety sorta makes me a bit paranoid occasionally, i would always seek re-assurance with everything. it was like nothing she ever said satisfied me.. or i would over-analyse every little thing she said. Even now.. i can't describe it, but its as if everything she says scares me and makes me anxious.  When I've been on this forum a bit longer, I'd love to go into what happened, for some advice etc, but I don't wanna be a burden.. but anyway, back to topic, yes, my anxiety did cause problems in my last relationship.

[ConstantWorrier]

I used to have problems with my past relationship. I dated a guy for two years and it was an emotional roller coaster and it was just on my end. He never had problems, everything was great with him. But he always was telling me "not to talk" or called me "woman" all the time. He knew about my anxiety but never cared about it. When things would go wrong, he would slump it off and say "Oh well, its just her overreacting again." He messed up my mind so much more than I could even imagine. Everything was always fine in his world.

I am now dating a guy who is here for me for everything that goes wrong. He understands and accepts my anxiety. I love him for that.

I hope this helps you.

-CW 

[sjacks15]

I broke up with a really great guy because of my anxiety.

We were really good friends, and had dated once before. The first time, there was a family emergency in his family and we decided to take a break. Still, we were incredible friends and talked on the phone every night, all night.  One night, about a year and a half after we had broken up the first time we were talking on the phone and he admitted that he was still in love with me. I told him that I felt the same, and next thing I knew we were both crying and we were dating again.

Well, the next morning when I woke up I started to think about everything and for a reason I still haven't figured out, I had a huge panic attack about it.  It was one of the worst panic attacks that I have ever experienced. After that, every time he called me I had another panic attack. About two weeks later, he was freaking out because I was never answering my phone and he hadn't talked to me since the night we had started dating again.  Finally, I sent him an e-mail telling him that I had to break up with him, but not explaining anything.

We're still friends, but it's never been the same.  I have never told him why I broke up with him.

 
Anxiety stinks BIG TIME!!

[jinky]

I was with a guy for almost 10 years.  He did nothing for my self esteem, and when I broke it off he decided that he didn't want to let me leave and then stalked me for a year or two - creepy!  Anyway I have been single now for just over 3 years.  I don't feel there is anything missing from my life, I have some really awesome friends, and I don't believe I will be single forever.  But I do recognise that this is 'me' time, I'm trying to get my anxiety and PAs etc etc in check before I run off on another adventure. 

[mca1975]

to sjacks15:

Hi there, your story on this site amazed me.  Are you from UK?

Do you think that it could have been that you are so in love with being in love, and so romantic and sentimental that you got back with him as you were missing that love and attention?  After all, you had had a break and you had had time to miss him and feel lonely again.  Then when you got back with him you realised that you only did it for that reason and panicked.  You probably didn’t even mean to do it or realised you were doing that, it’s a sub-conscious thing I think.  We maybe imagine “oh im so in love, then when reality hits in, we just think “am i?”.

I have just broken off a six month relationship because I felt anxious all the time towards the end.  I started to feel scared of him almost because he loved me so much, but the circumstances were different, he began to act quite possessive but not in a malicious way and it made me feel very uncomfortable.  However, he is a lovely person who has since realised he did this but didn’t even realise he was doing it.  However, we had such a lot in common and we were exactly the same, both sensitive, paranoid, a little obsessive and very deep people – this is why (amongst other things) it wouldn’t work.  We didn’t bounce off each other properly. 

Anyway, sorry to go on, but I have been soo upset about this not working out and he is really really upset and is trying to get over it, but I feel like I am maybe just feeling so sad because I miss the love and attention I received from him and am alone again. or i wonder sometimes, maybe i am unable to love properly??

[NightOwl]

I ahve problems with not only relationships with women, but family relationships, friend relationships, etc...    I get very angry that family members act like they either don't care or that it is "easy" to change thinking.  And people getting mad if I don't call them back when I feel so horrible physically some days and plus hate the phone to begin with.

[dizziegirl3]

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years now. I finally realized I had anxiety about 3 years ago but I can remember suffering from GAD all my life, just never knowing why I always felt sick or dizzy or weird. Well anyway. for a while my bf could not understand what was wrong with me. I explained my anxiety but he couldn't understand why I was fine for the first year we were together and now all of a sudden I couldn't go to bars or sit in class or just be "normal" and I think one of my hardest times with anxiety was my bf because I would try to hide it from him knowing that he would get upset if we were out and I said I couldn't do it and wanted to leave. In a way it made me deal with my anxiety since I would force myself to smile and act like nothing was wrong but in the long run it started to really wear me down and get to me. We have had a couple of big fights because of my anxiety and he is getting better with understanding what is wrong with me and he'll ask me at times how I feel and because he just knows me so well its a little hard to hide when I am having anxiety. So having a relationship with anxiety, esp. when the other person does not will be difficult but we have to understand that as hard as it is for us to live with this, its just as hard for a loved one to also. they have no clue and never will understand what we're going through and we will never understand how it is to deal with us!!!    so hang in there and just make sure you find the right person who believes anxiety is a REAL Problem and not just you being stupid. It took a lot of talks and reserach for my boyfriend to understand what anxiety truley is. I think once they understand that this is a serious condition, it will be easier to have a "normal" relationship.

[lt33]

Personally, I don't know if anxiety can really get in the way of a good relationship.
If people care for one another, can it really be an issue? I could blame my anxiety disorder for the last relationship I was in failing, but I think that if that girl really cared for me, it wouldn't have been important to  her. And it was very important, she felt embarrassed with my disorder.
I was in a relationship before in which the girl really cared for me, and I for her, and I never had anxiety when I was with her. She was the safest person in my life, she understood me and my disorder didn't bother her. I think it's the thing I regret most, that I broke up with her. I never understood why I did that I imagine I didn't feel I deserved her, somehow.

Lately my disorder is getting to my relationships in a different way. Besides my avoidance behaviour making me miss the situations in which I could meet someone, I'm too messed up inside to allow myself a new relationship, I fear the moment it ends (and am positive it will not only end but end because of my issues), I stopped believing I could meet someone who didn't make my issues a big deal, etc... Don't even know why, simply that I can't see myself with someone anymore. Not that I'm a bad person, but for now I'm too hurt, sad in a way that won't help. But time heals, so I hope I'll change my mind about this soon...

But I still think people should always remain open to relationships. Even if someone's shy and gets embarrassed by talking, who can tell if the other person isn't above those things if they connect? If one allows things to happen, they probably will. It's harder to deal with relationships when you have an anxietydisorder, but so is most of the things, and we do most of it all the same. It's good when we go for it even if we know things will probably don't work, the way I see relationships, even if chances would be so low as 1 to 10 (I think they're better most of the times...) we must get through the 9 "wrong" ones to get to the 1 that counts. And even if one makes a fool out of himself, does it really matter? Isn't the 1 worth the chance?

[NightOwl]

I dunno, I think this girl cares a lot about me and somehow I still can't accept it.

[lt33]

On the other hand, I think it does affect relationships and that I'm still an idealist by thinking it doesn't...
I was surprised to know about women in this forum mentioning how their husbands and boyfriends have been unsporting of their anxiety disorders, as I tended to assume that that lack of understanding was worse for men, because of the stress to be strong and above emotions and more like the straight "beer and football and kick 0104" kind. As a man I feel this pressure from women, so I'd never imagine that things work the opposite way as well. I try not to mind things like that too much, and I think that trying to be up to people expectations is not good for anyone, but often I'm reminded of all that stress on men and that maybe people's ideas on gender roles hasn't really changed much.
For years now I've been working on my anxiety disorder not affecting my relationships, both romantic and friendly ones, but I've often got to the conclusion that everybody has issues and that anxiety ones are not worse than any others. There are people that will hold yours against you just to step on you and feel better about theirs. It's good to keep that in mind, and not to allow things like that to be held against you.