just not sure what to do - college freshman

[Native_Belle]

I'm a first year student in college, away from home.
I started having anxiety problems in high school - I was part of a rigorous academic program and was dating an emotionally abusive person and that took a toll on me. I spent most of the end of high school throwing up for hours in the middle of the night with nothing to stop it.

Now that I'm in college, I feel extremely alone and distant from everyone around me. I used to be pretty outgoing and friendly, and had a lot of friends outside of high school. Now I feel like I've lost my ability to even talk to people. This stress I'm feeling feels a lot different from the kind in high school, it's like now I'm terrified of everything. I can't even leave my room sometimes.. eating in the dining halls is probably the worst. I hate eating alone in the cafeterias when everyone's laughing and having a good time, and I feel as though people are judging me everywhere I go. Before I didn't even care what people thought.
I also look and the mirror all of the time and constantly judge myself and feel hideous... my skin is blotchy and grey and irritated all of the time (I pick at it absentmindedly all the time) and I obsess about it literally all day long. The only thing that makes me feel better is if I cover my face with makeup, but I hate the idea of it and am trying to stop.
The worst is I feel as though I'm in a daze all the time and and have a hard time focusing on anything. When I'm doing something I'll be thinking like crazy and it feels as though I'm almost looking through what I'm doing if that makes any sense.

I've stopped smoking cigarettes and everything else, cut down on drinking, and am spending time reading and getting work done. I've tried going to health services and the counseling center, but they keep directing me to resources that are too far away or are full to capacity.

I just want the old me back, and I want to stop obsessing. I'm willing to take medication, but I know nothing about it and it seems so overwhelming to me. I know my brother has had anxiety almost all of his life, and he's given me some advice.. but I really just wanted to get all of this off of my chest. I don't really talk about this with anyone... I feel as though people think I'm making it up. I know this is pretty long winded, sorry about that.

[dbirm77]

Being alone at school can be a lonely place at first.
Especially when you find yourself not feeling very social.

Anxiety often distorts our view of ourselves.
The more we obsess about the way we look, the worse we feel about it.

I know it's likely uncomfortable but I would suggest socializing with as many people as possible.
The more you step outside of your comfort zone...the greater the reward.

You described..."I'll be thinking like crazy and it feels as though I'm almost looking through what I'm doing if that makes any sense. "

That sounds like feelings of unreality or derealization.
These are frightening but common with anxiety sufferers.

It sounds like you are dealing with GAD as well as Social Anxiety Disorder.
I would strongly suggest reaching out to a mental health provider who specializes in anxiety treatment.
You don't have to feel this way.

Good Luck,

Drew

[the4faces]

I am sorry to hear you are having these issues.  My daughter is also a freshmen in college and has been experiencing anxiety symptoms all year.  I can sympathize with what you are saying.  I agree with dbrim77.  He is right about you seeing a mental health provider specializing in anxiety treatment.  Go back to the counseling center and insist you need to speak to someone who can help you through this.  There is hope.  Be persistent.  If it makes you feel any better, you are not alone!  Best of luck!