hanging on

[lt33]

Hi  everyone,

Stupid as it may seem I was investigating "painless 0119 methods" an hour ago. I have thought about this more seriously recently, but ended dropping it out and reading some anti-suicidal texts around. I'm unsure for how long, but one thing at a time.

I've been depressed for a long time, on and off for half my life (I'm near 30 at this time), taking medication for years. Some years ago the relationship I was in ended (the girl decided to have a go with another guy) and that's when I had the first real depression breakdown. Since then I've been with other girls for some months, but I ended a relationship with a lovely caring girl and stayed in a bad relationship until I was dumped. Silly, isn't it? I guess it has to do with the depression selfdestruction tendency. Since then, months ago, I've been down and, this time, it's not an on and off thing. I've been in therapy for more than a year, it really seemed to start working until this last girl changed her mind. I still do therapy (guilty that my parents pay for it and everything else in their caring way), but, although I've come to recognize why I've been so depressed and having panic attacks (mainly due to my traumatic childhood as the son of an alcoholic father), it doesn't seem to work anymore.

This last relationship, I wish it had never happened. I got out of it convinced I'm no good, that new relationships will replay the worse way. And these days I feel I can't handle new breakups. My whole life I hoped for someone's love to "save" me, but I think that I stooped believing in that, and I'm not happy on my own. When I feel better I think of all the good things to live for, but it doesn't last long, I don't have a job nor seem able to get it and stay in it, I don't have many friends (if any, mostly they're people I know with whom I don't have much in common), my life's a mess. I've also been experiencing Post SSRI Sexual Dysfunction (which is not only due to ssri, but also for my alcohol, tobacco and cannabis addiction), so the perspectives of getting a new love are pretty slim at the moment. I stopped taking the antidepressants I was on (sertraline, thanks doc, for ignoring all my pleas regarding changing it for something which doesn't give sexual disfunction), sticking to mirtazapine alone for now, the only thing that seems to work, even though I'm already at its maximum dosage. I hope that doesn't stop working, don't feel there's much left.

The way I see things, there's only one thing that people as depressed as I am can do, and that is to hang on, trying to get better and giving it time, but it's not easy, is it? My life's perspectives, as years go by they get worse. Sometimes I cry, I try not to blame myself for having a bad childhood, for getting to know people I would be better off, etc. But then everyday it replays and it seems that I'm just doing it for others (family, for instance, it's a good reason to keep on living, but it doesn't feel enough when I'm at it everyday) and for the pride of not letting others know my life doesn't have much sense anymore. It's like my life is an unsolvable problem, yet the pressure for me to solve it is too much. I don't know.

Lenny

[gloomy]

Keep on hangin on Lenny I suffer from depression and anxiety aswell and its tough.  I too have thought about 0119 seriously and I have wondered is it all worth it and whats it all about anyway.  One thing I do know is that depression seriously impairs the our thought processes.  Sometimes the way I have felt in a particular down period has been so bad I dont know how I havent ended it all.  Like you obviously something has always stopped me. When I have a slightly better period I wonder how I could have got that low.

I wish I had the answers for you but only you have them.  You have proved you want to get better by entering therapy and finding this forum.  I really sympathise with you as a small disappointment can really knock me for six, so a relationship breakdown will be utterly devestating for you to deal with.  Please keep posting there is a lot of support herexx

[lt33]

Hi Gloomy,

Thank you for the kind words.
Yes, pretty though, taking one day at a time seems the only way.

I agree with you that it impairs one's thinking a lot. Part of eachday challenge is to separate the depressed feelings from the rest and not to take them seriously, although listening to what they have to say. To be realistic implies considering both good and bad thoughts, not the depressed channel alone.

Currently edgy since stopped taking part of the medication and dropping the alcohol (again...). The effects of alcohol are very bad in what regards mood, but patience is a must and recovery takes time.

I'll keep posting, hoping to have nice things to say as well. Sometimes it seems hard to believe them, but it's true we're not alone.

[apple]

Where you are at reminds me of being there over and over at different times in my life.  Yes I too have been suffering my whole adult life and am now in my thirties. Wondering if I will ever find the key to get to where I want to be. 

Because of my childhood I too have a hard time seeing anything good about me, I depend on others to compliment me or remind me of a good thing about me.  I spent a whole year after my last bad relationship in therapy.  I didnt want to end up in another familiar relationship.  So for a year once a week I worked on my self image.  Learning to see things about myself on my own.  I guess when I look past my anxiety and health issues I am a really neat person.  Maybe that could be something to work on.  I still need to have my new husband remind me of my good points but I am a lot better and try to focus on those things when I feel real low.

Keep hangin on...you can feel better.  Keep fighting!!

[lt33]

Hi Apple,

I was beginning to feel in peace with myself by the time of the later breakup, guess it would have been worse if I wasn't.
I think that this time I'm not feeling so bad about myself alone but about the way my life turned out lately.
For instance, in one of the psychotherapy sessions we got to the conclusion that I'm hurt and that I disagree with the way some people think of me, that i don't identify myself with a view that I think to be distorted for worse. I don't think my last breakup would have hurt me so much if things had been different between us regarding that issue, that by the end of it we were as apart as we were at first, that, after all, we were never together for real.

I miss love, to love and being loved. Tenderness and caring, positive feelings. It also makes me sad to look around and see so phew happy people, really happy ones, not just playing the role.
It's hard for me to accept things are like that so often.

Hoping things will get better for us all in the new year, that we'll manage to go through the bad days, the perspectives of good days to come we'll give us strength. Things will get better!

[gsxr60097]

I have seen the days you are talking about and I said to myself that this thinking is going to kill me literally someday.  Luckily for most of you here everyone seems to be able to atleast have a chance for a relationship.  I on the other hand have physical symptoms that send me to the bathroom at merely a bad thought.  I am working on correcting these things though.  I am almost thirty myself and have never even had sex yet.  How stressful is that?  I recently found out a friend of miine died at 34 of colon cancer and I now see why I have to try my hardest to make things work.  It is really hard though.  I wish everyone here the best in this fight.

[lt33]

It is stressing, though more comon than we'd think, it's not the kind of matter most would admit in person.
But let me tell you something, the chances you'll meet someone are the same as any other with different experiences. There were friends of mine who'd start later, one about 30, and that by this time are hapilly married.
I wish you the best in your fight to anxiety.

[gsxr60097]

Thanks LT for the hopeful comments.  I just want to be able to find love atleast once in this lifetime.  Anything after that would be a bonus.  I also know that having a good person by yourside relieves alot of the anxiety we carry around with us.  Not all of it but alot.

[NightOwl]

I am about to turn 30, which in itself is depressing.  I try to just keep battling through, but I understand how you feel.  You've got to try to remember that it will get better even though it seems like it won't.  I know I always "eventually" get better and I just hope somehow it will stick one day....