I confided in my best friend, and this was her response...

[Stage Star]

After a tough day, I decided to vent to my best friend about what was bothering me that day.  What I got in reply has now rendered her my ex-best friend.  This is a paraphrased version. 

When I asked her if she'd ever had first hand experience of depression: 
i haven't been depressed myself, but someone extremely close to me suffered in the exact same way. however, instead of trying to live with it and make things better, the neighbours found him in his room in a pool of blood next to a shotgun, with his brains splattered all around the room. i'm sorry but in my opinion he was suffering a lot more than you are so can you please stop acting like i'm an idiot that knows nothing. thanks.


Remembering the time when I tried to explain my situation, but had to stop because I was getting upset: 
i did ask you once what your problem was. you told me the name of it, then when i asked what it meant, you sort of snapped a quick answer at me as if i was a complete idiot and should have known.


About another 'friend' who had been getting annoyed at my bad moods (and knows I've got depression): 
she's not a bad friend, but blowing things a bit out of proportion is what she does because i think she's had a pretty hard childhood, what with her parents having so many children needing more attention than her, and not having much money. i personally would hate that. so if you think she's being a bad friend for getting annoyed with your snappyness, (which i'm sorry, but has upset all of us at some point) then doesn't that make you a bad friend?


And the worst thing which pretty much made me decide that I'm not wasting my time on her any more: 
you can't go thinking that being a depressive only affects you.




I think anyone with depression will know how much other people are affected by your condition, and I am very aware of that. 
So yeah, I'm in a pretty bad place.  Hugs appreciated. 

[cutebutpsycho]

Oh, Stage Star!
I'm sending you lots of *hugs*, even though I dislike touching people/having people touch me. That's so rough! I mean, because you haven't committed the "bad thing" you aren't hurting?
People need to understand that all emotions and feelings are legitimate, even if they are not correct. If I feel badly because you said something to me, that's legit. Even if I feel badly because you said something and I misunderstood it (so your words weren't offensive, I just didn't hear it right or something), it's still alright for me to feel bad. BUT! And this is a huge BUT! Your feelings still matter, they are still real, and you're still hurting, so for your friend to be so harsh to you was uncalled for in a big way. No one should judge whether or not you're hurting more or less than someone else.
I think that a "real" best friend would have tried to make you feel better rather than belittling your emotions. At this point, and from what you've said, I think you did the right thing in making her your ex-best friend. Real friends don't say these sort of things. However, if you (and she) take some time, come back, and discover that she didn't really mean what she said, then maybe try to make up. This isn't a have-to, just a suggestion. She might have been really angry that day about something else and let it spill over onto you. Or she may just be a jerk. You have the right to decide who you want your friends to be, and people that minimize or mock your feelings can be kicked off the list without a second thought.
I just wanted to mention that she seems to think that depression isn't a big deal unless it results in, well, death. Accusing you of being a bad friend on a day that was difficult for you--in my book, she crossed the line.
Basically (if you've gotten this far, give yourself a cookie!), I think you made the right choice to drop her. In a few days, if (and only if) you want to reevaluate, go ahead and do that. She doesn't seem sympathetic, and you need a best friend that you can talk to about these things. It's one thing to "understand" (empathize because you've been there) and another thing to be "understanding" (sympathize because you see how it's hard for someone else to be dealing with it). It doesn't seem like this girl/woman can do either.
There are others, especially here, who will do both (sympathize and empathize) intensely. I know that internet friends aren't the same as physically there friends, but until you find a decent one, maybe just rely on people who won't be unkind to you when you've made it clear that you're having a bad day.

Lots of hugs again to you, Star. It's tough when "good" friends don't understand, and worse, get snippy and mean. Just know that we're here for you!

cutebutpsycho <--I mean that to be a hug, not a creepy, grabby move.

[Stage Star]

Thank you!  One of the things which hurt me most was she said how she didn't want to upset me and knew it wasn't my fault.  Well I'm sorry, but how on earth could that not upset me?! 

[Bunglefever]

You know what though, that first friend has a good mind set. Personally when I get down and depressed, I have to laugh at myself and look myself in the mirror and say "you're a f***ing idiot!" We have to be hard on ourselves because pitying ourselves doesn't do anything but welcome others to pity us and pity does to our morale what medication does to our depression. It supresses it for a little bit but doesn't really get down to the nitty gritty of the issue.

 3 months ago I had a battle with parasites. I felt like i was going to die for sure. I hurt everywhere, hadn't slept in 2 weeks, was constantly googling info. My dad finally talked sense into me and he said "if you want to get cancer, you will get cancer and you will die, simple as that. Or you can reach down in your pants, pull out your balls and be a man and beat these little f***ers and say f*** you parasites, this is my body, not yours"

 And I took his advice, started to work out, get some endorphins going and every day several times a day I would say out loud "this is my body, I'm in control" and a few weeks later with the help of some herbal stuff, I was all clear. I'm battling depression/anxiety and extreme stress right now but you know what I can't pity myself. I can only grow stronger from this hell that I am in and I will only appreciate the beauty of what's beyond this volcanic cluster f*** that is my life once I'm better. Sometimes we need a foot in our asses to get us motivated. I'd rather have a friend call me an idiot and give me a dose of reality than rub my back and just say "its gonna be okay" because it won't if I don't snap the hell out of it. I've gotten myself out of depression before, i will again. You will too.

[surfmonkey]

I would smack her. I can't believe she did that!!! That's so fucked up. Just because you didn't end your life doesn't mean your not hurting! Its  harder to stay locked inside your head. Those people who end it are looking for relief...they get it to. But not the right kind! Never do that! People that aren't upset don't understand at all how it feels! My best friend said she had an eating disorder and I had one and I kept it secret. When she found out she basically said I was lying. She has one and I can't? Bitch. Some people just seriously don't get it. Some best friends are meant to be ex friends

[Lanie]

Hi Stage Star, I'm sorry your friend is an insensitive jerk. It sounds like she was downplaying your emotions and being quite accusatory towards you. I too have had friends (now they are ex-friends) who made me feel 10 times worse about my depression and anxiety. My now ex-best friend would tell me to get over myself and shut up...my other ex-close friend told me that her problems were much worse than mine and that I didn't know the meaning of depression and anxiety! Another ex-friend of mine didn't even listen and literally shrugged it off...It made me feel so alone and like I was some kind of freak.

However, I've had lots of friends who have stood by me and listened and I am eternally grateful for them. Many of them have even gone through similar situations. There are people out there who will listen to and care for you.

[StarHunter]

TRIGGER, TRIGGER, TRIGGER........






















I have tried to commit 0119 on several occasions - each time I failed.  The last time I nearly succeeded (pills, alcohol) and only because my husband took the door off the hinges was I able to be saved.

I have had "friends" call me an attention seeker.  I have had "friends" tell me that if I want to "end it all" then I should just get a gun and blow my brains out so I "couldn't be (conveniently) saved".    I have had friends tell me that they don't want me around because of my constant negativity (although I am better with that now that I have a med cocktail that works). 

Thankfully though I have a few very supportive friends who have stuck by me, supported me and visited me in hospital after my attempts.

You need to surround yourself with people who understand and who realise that your behaviour is not "yours"....depression is not something you can control with free will alone.  You need help, understanding and support.  A "kick up the arse" is not always the answer and sometimes a gentle hand patting you back as you cry is what is needed. 

[surfmonkey]

I had friends like that I as well have attempted to end it all a few times. I over dosed and due to complications with the particular drug I am still alive. All my friends said I was just wanting attention and blah blah blah. Those people don't understand and will never understand until they have a bottle of xanax and a razor in there hands. Keep the good friends and forget the bad ones! People are really mean and cruel. They kick when your down. You don't need that. That's just horsesh*t!

[StarHunter]

Surfmonkey - what also gets me is that IMO even if someone is "seeking attention" (a phrase I hate) then it is probably because they are seriously messed up in their heads and if anything they should still get support!  No-one attempts to end things or even pretend to end things unless things are pretty damn bad.

My first few attempts I admit I was not seriously (not really, really seriously) wanting to end my life but I wanted the pain the stop and I wanted people to sit up and hear me crying out that I needed help.  It was a subconcious act of "attention seeking" I guess but it was because I NEEDED the attention.  I NEEDED someone to step in and take control of my life and tell me what to do to get better because everything I had done thus far hadn't gotten me anywhere.

Ther last time I really did intend wholeheartedly to finish things and I was very angry for a looooong time that I was thwarted in my plans.  Now of course I am glad that I didn't succeed but at the time I really did want to end things.  I wasn't looking for attention or help at that time......I just wanted peace. 

No-one who has not been there, at the very depths of depression cannot sit back and scoff and pretend they know all the answers.  How dare anyone tell me that depression is a "Choice" and I need to "snap out of it".

To tell people to ignore those who attempt (and fail) to take their own lives because it's the only way to make them stop by depriving them of the attention they want - is really shitty advice!  I wonder how many people who were ultimately successful could have been saved if people only took them seriously?  How many people have been lost because other (non-depressives) can't show some empathy and compassion?

My "dark thoughts" are very real and if I was to lose control of them again I am not sure how long I will be able to keep going.......

[surfmonkey]

I can tell just by your words that there is power behind them. Power is the pain. Sometimes when we cry out noone listens either because there to busy,they don't notice,or they don't care.nothing is harder than needing help and noone will. I had a breakdown a few weeks ago and I had absolutely noone to call. My husband was asleep but I was trying to hide this from him. I just had noone. If he hadn't been there, I would probably be gone. My older friend tells me that I like being depressed and I could change things and its my fault I'm depressed. Whatever. People just really make me so mad. These are our feelings and it seems people step all over them because they think that will make it better.if we are forced to stand on our own then will but that's a very wrong assumption.I have no friends because I threw them all away because all of them didn't care enough for me. I've lost a lot of faith in people. I have one friend left and I think I'm gonna throw her away to. How many good friends do you have left? I hope a lot. I hope they stick by your side. The feelings you feel when your about to end it all are just like hell. 0119 won't get me into heaven but at least the headaches would stop. I think I appreciate things a lot more now and I hope you can to. Although its ok to have your days :) I know I do!

[radgirl79]

TRIGGER, TRIGGER, TRIGGER........


Sooooo right StarHunter! This friend is a big, stinking TRIGGER! I know this because my older sister does the same things. Funny thing is....she is on meds for anxiety/depression herself! My sis is a MAJOR trigger for my anxiety, and lately I've been considering cutting her out of my life for a little while......





















I have tried to commit ******* on several occasions - each time I failed.  The last time I nearly succeeded (pills, alcohol) and only because my husband took the door off the hinges was I able to be saved.

I have had "friends" call me an attention seeker.  I have had "friends" tell me that if I want to "end it all" then I should just get a gun and blow my brains out so I "couldn't be (conveniently) saved".    I have had friends tell me that they don't want me around because of my constant negativity (although I am better with that now that I have a med cocktail that works). 

Thankfully though I have a few very supportive friends who have stuck by me, supported me and visited me in hospital after my attempts.

You need to surround yourself with people who understand and who realise that your behaviour is not "yours"....depression is not something you can control with free will alone.  You need help, understanding and support.  A "kick up the arse" is not always the answer and sometimes a gentle hand patting you back as you cry is what is needed.

[StarHunter]

Surfmonkey - I find it interesting that you mention about "the bad thing" not getting you into Heaven.  I was discussing this very same thing with my Pastor a while back and he told me that 0119 is NOT an unforgiveable sin and that people who take their own lives can still get into Heaven.  Heaven is full of people we wouldn't expect to be there - God has a very forgiving heart    He knows our pain and He knows that we can't be held accountable for acting out of desperation.

I do have a few friends left who sincerely care about me and have stuck by me, I also have a lot of people who kicked me while I was down and used me for their own entertainment.  I am still the "office joke" among certain people but I refuse to let those idiots take away whatever happiness/contentment I have managed to claw out of the bleakness.  I deserve better, I deserve to be respected and have my feelings validated and if they cannot do that then I am glad they are gone. 

As cliched as it sounds, I hope you realise that you are better off without those losers who could not support you in your hour of need.  Getting rid of toxic friends is like decluttering, it hurts to throw away all those memories but after it's done you realise you can finally breathe again. 

Radgirl - If your sister is triggering bad feelings in you then I think it is wise to consider cutting her out of your life - at least until you feel strong enough to let her back in again.  Read above decluttering analogy LOL.....same thing applies here.  Goodluck with everything!   

[surfmonkey]

Your so right about decluttering! Toxic friends are like the bread you need to make a grilled cheese. You want that sandwhich but if the bread is bad then your sol. If you don't mind me asking what religion are you? I am a born again believer christian. I speak for myself personally not anyone else and I'm not one to say who's wrong or right. As a christian I am a firm believer in gods word.from what I've been told the act of, you know, is a sin. Apparently god says we don't have the right to take our own life. I will talk to my pastor as well because I think you bring up a very good point. I'm quite curious to seek truth on that. I believe god is very merciful but I believe that I were to choose to seek the ending of my life instead of seeking him for help then its my fault and I have damned myself to hell. I think all our cases are different though. I'm a depressed person but I know right from wrong. Maybe in your case your depression takes over you and you have no control anymore? I think that's common really. I've been there plenty of times. I'm glad your still alive however. No matter what you think or feel, your an important  addition to this  world and things wouldn't be the same without you somewhere in this life. Noone stays a face in the crowd forever!

[StarHunter]

I am a Christian - Lutheran to be exact.

It's a fairly progressive church that I go to.  To clarify, I do think that 0119 is a sin - I just don't think it's an unforgiveable one.  I do believe in there being an unforgiveable sin but I believe it's what is called "Mocking the Holy Ghost" aka not wanting to be forgiven and flicking God the bird - so to say.  I asked my Pastor about the Unforgiveable sin and he told me that basically if I am worried about committing it then I can be positive that I have NOT committed it.

I believe that murder, lying, stealing etc are all sins but I also believe that all sins are forgiven - if we WANT to be forgiven 

I don't have any answers of course and I don't presume to know what God has in store for me but I do honestly feel in my bones that God would not damn me to Hell when I want to be forgiven.........my beliefs only of course and other people are free to believe what they believe. 

Since I am not actually planning  on taking my own life I am not really worried about it anymore.......I am just getting through my life the best I can. 

[surfmonkey]

The bible does say not to murder and suic*de is murder and murderers are not allowed in heaven unless given the right circumstance. But! David killed a man and his love for god was so strong and pure that god allowed him into heaven. I think you make a valid point:) I'm glad suic*de isn't on your list. That would be really tragic take some baby steps and take it a day at a time my friend. You will certainly make it through.

[StarHunter]

Surfmonkey - Just for clarification are you a born again Christian? - or do you not believe in Jesus Christ? (not a sarcastic question because you might be Jewish or some other faith I am not really familiar with)  I only ask because what you are saying goes so far against what I believe and what I was taught.  The bible does NOT say that murderers cannot get into heaven - only that unrepentant sinners cannot get in.  The bible tells us that when Jesus was crucified He died for our sins - He also told us that God loves sinners and that ALL who ask for forgiveness shall recieve it - not just those without sin.  The bible also tells us that we are sinners from the day of our birth (the Original Sin) and that the ONLY way to get into Heaven is to accept Christ and hold our hands out to recieve the Gift he gave us.  There is no talk about murderers or other sinners not getting into Heaven - if that was the case then no-one would make it into Heaven.  In fact while on the cross Jesus himself turns to one of the people (sinners) crucified (for stealing) next to him and tells him that "on this day you and I shall be in Paradise".

Have you ever gone to confession?  Or asked your pastor to act as a mediary between you and God?  I have committed many sins - although not Murder or Adultery.  I have envied, lied,m disrespected my parents and even shoplifted once or twice in my teens.  Do I think I'm going to Heaven? Absolutely  Because I have asked for forgiveness and God has granted me forgiveness.  I have a convenant with God that means that Jesus died so that I could live eternally.  He is referred to as the Sacrifical lamb and we should all accept the gift He has given us without feeling guilty or without feeling "absent" from God's love and forgiveness. 

Thank you for your kind words, they really do mean a lot  I am sorry this turned into a religious debate.  I just passionately believe in God's love and I am scared that you feel like the way you are living your life might mean you won't get into Heaven, can't be great for the mental anguish to feel "unforgiven".  I am positive that you will be there in Heaven - when it is time for you to be there of course    One day we can both dance together in God's kingdom and forget about this depression/anxiety business!!!!! 

[surfmonkey]

Yes I am born again. We believe (my family) that murders do not get into heaven but under pure circumstance. If you murdered just for hate then we believe your not getting in unless you and god both know the circumstances and that you are truly sorry. I think that jesus died for our sins for sure! But I think we all have a circumstance. I think it depends on you and god and I believe that god or jesus will let you know you are forgiven. We believe that if you keep sinning and you say sorry and blah blah but keep doing it then your not really sorry. But then there is circumstance. You could really be sorry and ask to be forgiven for committing the same exact sin 25times but if its a problem and that's why you sin then god knows your heart and knows your sorry! I think if we ask him to help us then we are doing the right thing and I personally think only god knows our truths. I just try and respect his word as best as I can. I know where I'm going. Ill be in heaven walked streets paved with gold where the flowers are so white you could never describe it!! I'm really open to everyones opinion and I'm not offended unless someone flat out says your wrong! Because I never tell anyone that. I always respect beliefs because were all so different