can't get rid of obsessional intrusive sexual thoughts and fear they are winning

[justin56]

Hi,

I have a girlfriend who i love to death but one day I suddenly started fearing am I gay? I have never been aroused by a man, i have only ever been straight, I can still get aroused around my girlfriend, but the obsessional thoughts won't stop. I find myself looking at gay porn and hetero just to see which works; i can never watch more than a few seconds of gay porn as I am disgusted. Around all my best guy mates now i analyse everything i do, and i have disturbing thoughts like oh u could kiss him now which makes me feel horrible and disgusted with myself. I live in fear that one day il be aroused around a guy and not around my girlfriend and i'll have to end our relationship. Surely you can't just turn gay but these thoughts aren't stopping and I am finding it very hard to constantly battle them. I fear what if I actually am gay and end up doing something gay. Up until this point I had been a completely normal aussie bloke, homophobic even, and the intrusion of these thoughts is distressing.

[sixpack]

Lots of people have had these thoughts.  It doesn't make them real.   What makes intrusive thoughts so powerful is that your mind knows what you fear or find disturbing (even on subconscious level) and then provides those thoughts for you.  I mentioned this to a member this week with a similar issue as you---if you were having intrusive thoughts about lollypops, it wouldn't be a problem.  BUT being gay (especially if this is something disturbing) or a pedophile or a murderer...., that is much scarier to many people.

[justin56]

thanks sixpack, I know im repeating myself; but thats the nature of the beast after all isn't it. Thanks for the patience.

[ocdengineer]

Everyone has those fears.  It is definitely your anxiety that is creating the whole fear of kissing people and whatnot.  It is just a thought.  Don't give it any weight and it will eventually stop bothering you.  I have also had these particular thoughts and eventually I beat it by simply saying to myself, so what!  So what if I am gay!  As soon as I made peace with being gay, the thoughts pretty much went away.  I am now happily married (to a woman), LOL, and have two beautiful kids.

As you face these fears they will fade.

Take care,
OE 

[recoverer]

yeah that anxiety sure likes to spread out and find new things to scare the heck out of us.
I liked what someone said 'so what if i'm gay'. I could see that helping reduce the anxiety. All of a sudden you aren't afraid of the thought anymore. When that happens, the fear dissipates and your brain and body can start healing.

Whether it's thoughts of being gay, fear of hurting someone with a sharp object like the fears i had, or stepping in front of a train...they are all systoms of anxiety. We just get different kinds of symtoms.

Another thing to think might be
I accept whatever thoughts and feelings come my way

This all helps and with practice it will become automatic for you.
There's also something going on in your world that you are not comfortable with. The intrusive thoughts are a diversion from something. Most people take a vacation to get away, us with ocd, have our minds distract us by scaring the wits out of us.
Bottom line, the more this bugs you the more it sticks. For me, i tried to fix it myself for 6 months. it was so embarassing. i told no one. finally i went to the doc and told him part of what was going on.
freeme@freeintrusivethoughtsocd.com