Desperate for help, psychologist is making me extremely anxious...

[Vontropnats]

Hey everyone,

This is my first time posting, but I've been reading your stories and testimonials for quite some time now...I want to thank you all in advance for reading this and giving me advice; I can't explain how comforting it is to know that there are people out there who are willing to take time out of their day to read someone's story and help them out.

For the past three months I have been suffering from harmful intrusive thoughts.  I'm 20 years-old going on 21 in a month here, so if this is OCD, now would be the time it would begin manifesting itself, from what I've read about the disorder.  My intrusive thoughts range from harming my mom, to going on a rampage at school, to being mean to people verbally and physically, to sometimes (this is more rare) hurting myself.  I can't wrap my head around these thoughts and they are extremely painful and generally cause a great deal of anxiety.  I feel like I have nowhere to turn, no one to talk to about this, and worst of all, my psychologist isn't helping the situation at all.

I've been seeing a therapist for about a month now, and he is 100% convinced that the intrusive thoughts are manifestations of repressed anger.  He claims that I have trouble dealing with anger because I think it's socially unacceptable to be angry (this is partly true, I do not think being angry is a good thing, so I tend to avoid the feeling...) and that a build-up of repressed anger has reared its ugly head through these intrusive thoughts.  Unfortunately for me, this causes an immense amount of anxiety.  We discussed this at length yesterday during a session, and it has been on my mind ever since.  I think that if I have repressed anger, there must be some sort of dark side to me that I haven't realized yet.  Then I think about all of these people that have gone on rampages because of anger and I convince myself that I'm capable of doing the same because they must have had serious issues with anger.  The fact of the matter is that I'm not an angry person and never have been.  I've never been in a fight, never got in trouble at school, and I've hardly even argued with people (when I do argue with someone, I generally like to fix the problem as soon as possible, even if it means that I have to admit that I was wrong).  My therapist believes that I just don't realize that I have all of this anger built up inside of me (hence, it is repressed).  This is freaking me out so badly, I don't even know where to turn now.

Prior to three months ago, my life was very enjoyable and I was having a great time.  Then, out of the blue, intrusive thoughts started pouring into my mind and I wasn't able to nullify them like I had in the past (since we all have intrusive thoughts every once in a while).  Now my life is absolutely pathetic.  I can barely do anything, I have absolutely no energy, I have no desire to get out of bed, let alone go to class or work.  Homework has become an impossibility, and I am in a particularly bad episode of anxiety right now and I have finals next week...this CERTAINLY does not help the cause.  I am also a bit of a perfectionist and am used to making straight A's, but I know that I won't hit them again because my effort has been entirely nonexistent this quarter due to anxiety.  Nothing feels the same anymore, everything is confusing and scary.  I feel like I'm simply surviving, not really living.  I wake up, count down the hours until I go to sleep again, and repeat every single day.  I am content with just sitting in my room and doing nothing or laying down and wishing that things were back to normal.  At one point I almost became addicted to reading about other people's stories regarding intrusive thoughts because it made me feel like I wasn't alone, but I largely overcame that desire, and haven't felt compelled to do any reading in two weeks (had to today because my anxiety is absolutely through the roof because of my therapy session yesterday...).

I really feel like there is no solution to this.  I'm not looking forward to feeling this way forever, but I am not sure there are any outs at this point.  I just watch the world function around me as I brood and lack the energy or willpower to do much of anything.  I'm not my old self, just a shell of the generally happy and satisfied guy I was three or four months ago.

Help.

[sixpack]

Well there are certainly people who enjoy being angry, but on the whole I don't think it is an emotion we like to feel.

However it is possible you are repressing anger.  I don't know I would defer to your shrink.  If you are, it is better not to stuff aggravated feelings inside of you because it will affect you negatively.  However I don't think you will run off into a rampage hurting others.  I think that takes a certain type individual and from the way you describe yourself, that isn't your type.

[Vontropnats]

Thanks sixpack.

I guess I've realized that I detest being angry so much that I avoid situations that propagate anger...and when I do encounter such situations, I am probably guilty of repressing the feeling because it makes me uncomfortable.  I think this is consistent with my behavior in the past.  Anytime I would get angry with my mom or my friends, I would seek to immediately admit my wrongdoing in order patch up the situation because I couldn't stand being angry with someone (or, consequently, having someone angry at me).  I guess in that respect I do have a fair bit of repressed anger, and perhaps it is manifesting itself through anxiety and intrusive thoughts.

I am also a firm believer in the principle of "if you worry about becoming a killer, it's a very good indication that you won't ever become one", but it can be very hard to wrap my head around that simple statement when my anxiety is very high.  During periods of increased anxiety, everything feels so real and the distinction between what goes through my mind and what happens physically becomes much less black and white.  I guess this is a pretty common side-effect of anxiety?

[Teri_C]

It is, very much, a common side effect of anxiety.

[1988male21]

im around your age so believe me i understand.
do you have substance abuse problems? even cigarettes are horrible agitators for anxiety and depression.
meditation can help. oddly enough even certain smells can trigger these feelings. college stress is also a big problem.
want my opinion? dont supress your intrusive thoughts. they'll just build. act on them! join a weekend boxing club and allow the intrusive thoughts to flow until theyre nothing more than a motivation.

hope it helps!

[Vontropnats]

Hmm 1988male, I'd rather not "act on them" (that's the worst possible scenario), but I understand what you're trying to say. 

I don't have any substance abuse problems; never tried illegal drugs, never been on any sort of prescription, and I drink very rarely (once every few months, and even then, I never really get trashed).  Don't smoke either.

I have been doing a significant amount of meditation and it has helped.  I've also been trying to get to the gym as often as possible, since working out provides such a great feeling of relaxation in my opinion.  With regards to stress, that is DEFINITELY an issue.  Whenever I have papers due or important tests coming up, my anxiety seems to flare up pretty badly.  Case in point, I have finals this week and next week, and I am struggling with anxiety and intrusive thoughts right now because I feel so overwhelmed by the workload.  Being overwhelmed by anxiety in addition to that leads to some serious bad news!

[1988male21]

well whatever helps i suppose. good luck with the college!

[ocdengineer]

Vontropnats,

I doubt you are dealing with repressed anger.  That is as out of date as saying you have mommy issues.  Our understanding of anxiety is much better than that and even if you do repress your anger?  You can always take the advice of a previous post and go to the gym.  A workout is a great way to burn off some steam. 

I am certainly not a doctor, so my advice is a useful as any others, but I think you are just dealing with your standard garden variety Pure O.  OCD withour the compulsions.  I have dealt with this my entire life on and off and the symptoms are very clear.  Obsessions of harming others or ones self or really anything that causes intense fear and then anxiety and guilt as a product of these thoughts. 

I think you should face your fears.  This is very hard, but it is possible.  For instance, if you have a bad thought about your mother, then give her a hug or call her and tell her you love her.  You will find that this may cause some pretty intense anxiety at first.  That is the fear of your thoughts.

Understand that these thoughts float around in everyone's heads.  The truly dangerous ones are the ones who like the thoughts and don't get anxious about them.  Please do not obsess about that...  I have been down that road as well.  Thoughts are just random noise in your head and we all have the ability to turn these thoughts on and off.  All it takes is a little practice.  You can learn to do this through CBT or Meditation or even long reflective walks.  Relaxation is key and realizing that nothing bad or good has ever come of a thought.  We are only defined by our actions.

Check my blog out here.  I have my story and a bunch of links and whatnot that may help. 

Take care,
OE

[Vontropnats]

Understand that these thoughts float around in everyone's heads.  The truly dangerous ones are the ones who like the thoughts and don't get anxious about them.  Please do not obsess about that...  I have been down that road as well.

This ^.

OCDE, thanks for the message man.  What I'm struggling with right now is exactly what I've quoted you saying.  We try to teach ourselves to not get anxious about our intrusive thoughts, but at the same time, when they appear and we don't feel anxious about them, we begin to wonder *why* we don't feel anxious...does it mean you're really some sort of heartless, evil maniac?  Ugh this is so hard!  Whenever I begin to feel my anxiety lifting and I start to feel sort of back to normal (back to being a relatively happy, positive guy), I instantly think "Why am I feeling happy?  These intrusive thoughts haven't stopped - I shouldn't feel good...I'm insane, etc etc etc" and it's soooooooooo obnoxious.  I'll doubt ANYTHING right now and my brain will always find a way to trick me into thinking that there is something seriously wrong with me.  Even when I meditate and feel very relaxed afterward, I start to wonder whether I'm just covering up my "evil side" with meditation.

Any tips on breaking through this part of the process?

Thanks in advance all!

[brintee]

This is how im feeling right now too. Like I cant just let myself be happy. It sucks.
[/quote]

  We try to teach ourselves to not get anxious about our intrusive thoughts, but at the same time, when they appear and we don't feel anxious about them, we begin to wonder *why* we don't feel anxious...does it mean you're really some sort of heartless, evil maniac?  Ugh this is so hard!  Whenever I begin to feel my anxiety lifting and I start to feel sort of back to normal (back to being a relatively happy, positive guy), I instantly think "Why am I feeling happy?  These intrusive thoughts haven't stopped - I shouldn't feel good...I'm insane, etc etc etc" and it's soooooooooo obnoxious. 
[/quote]

[ocdengineer]

Everyone has a dark side and we all have negative thoughts.  Remember, it is our actions that define us as a person.  A thought can do absolutely no harm unless you allow it to control you.

Good news though!  The fact that you are getting relaxed to the point where OCD is throwing the idea of you being dangerous because of not feeling anxious is really the last hurdle.  If you can get over that, and treat it just like any other negative thought, you will have control.  I am not guaranteeing your anxiety will go away, but the thoughts should be easily controlled via relaxation techniques.  It really does sound like you are on the correct path even though it may not feel that way sometimes.

Keep it up,
OE