I FEEL DEFEATED

[xenos89]

This is just a rant but I really need to get it out and would love it if someone read it and listened to what I really wanna say just once...


I'm sitting here with a massive headache, neck tension and feeling sick in my stomach. I feel like my head is just going to explode from pain and all the thoughts and emotions that run through it 24/7 and I just don't wanna take it anymore!!! I want to scream so loud until my throat gives out and my eyes are bloodshot but if I did scream what good would it do? Even the loudest most blood curdling scream couldn't release all that lays inside of me. I am so sick of feeling this way. Scared, tired, sick, worried, ashamed, morbid. Lifeless.

I went to a funeral for the first time today since my last partner was killed and I went to his 2 years ago. My mum asked me to go with her, thinking i'd be ok. I don't blame her for anything - I know she gets a little panicky when she has to drive long distances alone and also she didn't know anyone else who was gonna be there. So I went to support her. We got there and I saw all the people waiting to enter the chapel and i just couldn't go in... My heartrate spiked and I got all flushed and sweaty so I told her I was just gonna take a walk around the cemetry grounds while she went to the service. I was walking around, looking at all the grave plots and crematorium plaques, reading all the DOB's and date of deaths. I noticed most of the passed were elderly - in there 70's, 80's and 90's. And I couldn't help but think to myself the whole time "Wow how lucky are they getting to live that long, i'll probably be 6 feet under by the time i'm 25" HOW GODDAM IRRATIONAL AND INSANE IS THAT! So then I finally found some old man's plot who's name I liked and he had some pretty flowers and cute little trinkets left by visitors. So I sat and I talked to myself, or him, or someone - I dunno. I was smoking a cigarette and all of a sudden I imagined that the man was
'sitting' there with me smoking also but telling me smoking kills, to which I audibly replied "Yeah well life kills too". I felt so comfortable yet so deranged at the same time.

As I sat there for an hour alone with Horace. A Plant, I compartmentalized and contemplated my life and how I got to the crappy place I am now. I found myself wishing Ben had not have died – even though I am now married to a wonderful man who I love and adore and who treats me like an absolute princess – because I feel that is part of the road to me becoming like this. I feel like I only married my husband so soon because I am afraid of being alone, which absolutely disgusts me because he thinks I married him for completely different reasons. I don’t even know if marrying someone in the army is the best life path for me, you know? He is enlisted for another 15 years and every time he gets deployed or goes away for training what do I do? Run back home to mummy and daddy because I can’t be alone. I’m freaking 21 years old. Am I still gonna be running home when i’m 30 and my husband has to go away AGAIN?! When will I be able to stand alone? When can I go to the store to get milk without having to bring someone with me incase I have a seizure or pass out or start crying and hyperventilating? When can I leave my bedroom (my cave) and my computer and my material comforts and venture out my front door with no back up plan and no reinforcements in place? When can I wake up one day and not worry about if i’m going to have an attack or get sick? When can I have a shower without studying my whole body for new lumps, rashes, spots, freckles? When can I be like the rest of my friends and go out for a drink and dance and come home when the sun is coming up? When can I feel like my old self in my skin again?

When can I LIVE my life? I feel like I am locked in a bubble, which I desperately want to leave but I don’t think I’m strong enough to leave.  Did you know I look at photo’s of me and grieve the loss of my old self? I feel like a shell of the person I used to be with some foreign body inside. I feel like part of me has died and the remaining pieces have shattered into a million tiny pieces and i’m trying to put the pieces back together but I can’t, they are all messed up and will never be put back together the same way again.

I HATE THIS. I hate what I have become.

[daisyjukes]

This post made me cry.  Our illness aren't exactly the same but I can relate to many of the points in your post.

Last year when I went through a bad patch I went to stay with my parents for a few days.  I thought I'm married and 27 I shouldn't be running home. However, I think sometimes this is what we need, try not to be hard on yourself if this is what you need to do.  I read a good line in a book that "you won't recovery from this illness through self bullying"  I think this is important to remember. 

I've been feeling bad again recently and I've come to a hard realisation that my fear isn't going to disappear over night.  I have been trying to practice accepting my anxiety, practising accepting that it is nothing to be fearful of, practising trying to see the "doomed feeling" as just a bluff.  I thought in the beginning that I should just be able to do this, but I realised that recovery was going to take time.  I'm trying to stay as positive as I can and I'm just practicing this new mind set as then it doesn't matter as much when I struggle.

My advice is use medication if this helps, read self help books to educate yourself into to ways of managing your anxiety, do relaxation exercises, try improving your diet, ask for a referral to see someone who specialises in anxiety.. Just try everything that you can at least this gives you something to focus on.

I find it really hard somedays to imagine that one day I will feel better but I really believe that I can learn to manage this better.  There was a time that this illness wasn't in our lives and there will be again.  You are only 21, there is so much of life left to live and one day you will feel better. I think that this illness will make us stronger in the long run.