From the other side: Please help

[SleepyKitty]

I should start this post by saying that I am not suffering from an anxiety disorder - it is my fiance who is. I apologize if this is a long post, but I think the back story is essential and I am desperate for help. Please understand and bear with me - PLEASE take the time to read this and comment. I don't know where to turn. Please help.

I have been with my fiance for almost seven years, now, and we've been engaged for over a year. We lived in different cities when we started dating, and I eventually moved to his city to join him after I graduated high school (I am now 24, he is 26). He was living with his parents still when I moved to his city - he was working, and our intent was to find me a job, save a little money, and in a couple months move into our own place. Well, just before signing a lease, he broke his leg very badly, requiring surgery and a long recovery. His parents very generously offered to let us live with them as long as we needed. I went back to school at the local community college, and when he recovered he did as well. Everything was good.

Fast forward to two years ago - just before graduating, he was offered an important internship that would have led to a good, steady job after graduating. He became very ill with stomach problems - vomiting, stomach pain, couldn't eat, and so on. Because he does have GIRD and acid reflux, everyone assumed that his problems were physical and stomach related. He did start seeing doctors, but he would wait and wait to make appointments, sometimes wouldn't keep them, wouldn't see a specialist, and generally seemed to be irresponsible about trying to get better. (We know better now, of course, but at the time we didn't.) He lost his job because he missed so much work. He also proposed to me right before losing his job. Things went downhill from there - he has not worked since (really hadn't ever bothered much trying to find another job), and was almost always ill. He would get a little better, we would think things were turning around, and then he'd be sick again with these stomach problems.

Finally, a month ago, things got very bad. I had been increasingly unhappy - we were STILL living with his parents, he wasn't working or trying to find work, he was always sick - it had literally been weeks since we had been able to spend time together because he just never felt good. I was trying to be understanding, but he wasn't even bothering to go to his doctor's appointments to find out how to get better - he would just say "there's nothing they can do for me" and "life will always be like this". (In hindsight, it's obvious, but at the time we just didn't know why he was saying these things) He got REALLY sick at this point - constant vomiting, he lost 15 pounds in a week and a half because he couldn't eat, had two ER visits in that week, and finally started making statements about how he would rather die than live like this, about how he wanted to die, about how he could drive his car into a tree and no one would know he had done it on purpose, that I was his only reason for living and he'd ruined my life so he might as well die anyway. I was terrified, and insisted he go to his doctor and get a referral to a therapist.

Well, he did and he's been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. Both his primary care physician and his therapist believe that his stomach problems have all stemmed from the anxiety (I should note here that his GI specialist has never been able to find any significant problems with his stomach). At this point, he's only seen his therapist twice, so things are in the very early stage as far as that goes, but he's been put on medication and it's helped him so much. Things aren't perfect, and he still has physical as well mental symptoms of the anxiety, but it's like I've gotten the man that I fell in love with back - after all, it's been two years since I've seen him.

So what's the problem? Well, the problem is that in those two years, we were so consumed by his illness that I now find myself resentful, angry, selfish, and loveless. Please understand how embarrassing it is for me to admit that - I always believed that I was the type of person that would always be there for the man she loved, that would stand by him throughout an illness, that would always put the relationship first, and that love could overcome any difficulty. Now that he's getting better, and I'm not totally focused on getting him through each day, I look back over those two years and see everything I have sacrificed for him. We still live with his parents, and with the economy the way it is, when can I possibly expect him to be working?

I gained back the man I loved, but I still don't have a partner. I am so tired, I feel like I have been strong for so long and have supported him (emotionally, monetarily, in all ways) for so long and now I just can't anymore. I feel like I got him through to the point where now he has help and hope, and now I'm done and I just can't do anymore... worse than that, I don't want to do anymore. All I want is a normal life, an apartment, and a guy who will take me out to dinner once in awhile. I want to enjoy my life as a student and looking back, I realize that because of his illness I haven't enjoyed my life in a long time. It sound so heartless and harsh to say, but if I left him everything would get better and easier and happier.

But I am so ashamed of myself, as well. He has only just begun his recovery, and here I am thinking of abandoning him? Without even giving it time to help him, and help us? It's just that I feel like I've given it two years already, and how much more of my life can I give? Will it be another year before things get better? Two, even? I'm only human - how much more patient can I be?

I would like to hear back from anyone and everyone about their experiences. How can I recover the patience and love I had? How can I do what's best for the relationship? Has anyone else struggled with this in their relationship? Please let me hear your stories - am I alone in feeling this way?

[Sabatical]

You are one fantastic person.
It is absolutely taxing taking care of someone with depression/Anxiety. You have dedicated so much if your life to helping him and sometimes carrying him through life. I know what he's going through Because I live it every single day. there are no words how hard it can be when nothing you can say or do can make it all better and help that person live a normal happy life and feel human again, Thats the evil of depression and anxiety. Honestly from my side it is so hard to feel any self worth whatsoever and when you have no self worth it is so hard to even get out of bed, eat, sleep and even take care of yourself. I've gone weeks without brushing my teeth, taking a shower or even wearing clean clothes. This mental disease simply makes you not care anymore, makes you shut down and can make you not even want to survive the next hour of life. I can totally understand where you are coming from, one situation snowballs into a huge life changing event of going nowhere and it's hard to watch the person you live so much have no ambition or goals in life anymore but please understand it's not laziness or boredom these are real true feelings.
it's almost sickening how the mind is built to only see the dark in some of us it really is.
I can see where you are coming from how you feel like you are just losing love and interest, it's hard when you are on a hamster wheel at top speed draining your energy to try and fuel the person you care for to no avail. Frustration/anger/sadness/and letting go is normal. Don't feel ashamed at yourself and don't feel like You haven't gotten anywhere either. he may not say it much, or never at all but it honestly is so so hard to tell someone "thank you for caring" when you really don't give a damn about yourself.
it seems he is showing more signs of deep depression than anxiety. the two go hand in hand for sure but if he's feeling suicidal and like he has no need to be around anymore that's dangerous. I give you huge kudos for sticking around, and even more credit that you actually posted looking for help! You truly have a big heart. Depression/anxiety may never go away but there is ways he can live a fulfilling life. One is to know that he is not alone, people his age, the age before him and people after him will live with this too.
Get him outside if you can, into some sunshine with some of his favorite feel good music playing and a meal/snack that makes him feel good. (I find this really helps me sometimes). Also if you google some anxiety/depression support groups in your area, there are many free support groups that you can take him to that he can just sit and listen to others. sometimes you need to hear someone else talk about their lives and it perks up the ears a little when you can relate. as well you yourself can go to family/friend support groups for anyone that needs help being in a relationship with someone who has anxiety/depression. they are out there!
I know it will be tough to get him up and out, but please don't think ever that he doesn't remember the thing you do for him. He may be suffering but he's well aware of whats going on around him.
I personally come to forums like this to be helped, and to help others. Don't give up on him, yourself or your relationship. He must mean the world to you :)
If you feel like you are letting go, try to take a break. being cooped up in the house all the time, no change of scenery at all will make anyone want to run away and start off new for sure!
Take a little time to pamper yourself, everyone needs space it's human nature.
I hope this helped a little, if you ever need anything you know where to find me.
*hug*