Should life be this hard?

[Sabatical]

I'm 28 years old, and still haven't done a single thing for myself, Because my depression and anxiety.
I feel worthless and don't really care much about anything. I'm taking welbutrin which seems to make me feel sort of human, but I still can't seem to get out there!
Last year I enrolled myself in hair school, something I've wanted to do for a long time. I was feeling good there, because everyone was learning and we were all on the same level... except my concentration started getting harder, my thoughts were clouded and my teachers we're just getting fed up with me.
Well, I graduated finally in November of last year, and was ready to start a great career.
It's March, and I'm still not working. I thought I could get over this feeling and start feeling better about myself throughout school but It feels like I'm back to exactly where I started.
All my clients came back to see me, over and over. My teachers said I finally did fantastic and was excellent with people (holy crap!) but as soon as it was over. I lost all interest and hope.
I feel like I let everyone down too.. My parents bought me a house (no i'm not a spoiled girl, i'm paying the rent/mortgage) because they thought I was going to be working right out of school. Now i'm on welfare, paying my rent with that and living off of next to nothing. Feeling like I just shouldn't even be here anymore. I feel like I'm such a burden on peoples lives.
My boyfriend moved in with me, to further our relationship. But he's not pleased with me sitting around all day while he works. I lay in bed all day, or make it to the couch. I feel so useless and I feel like i'm being treated like I'm almost enjoying it. I hate it, I so badly want to get out there and start my life, I'm not getting any younger. But i feel like I've forgotten everything I learned, and would make a total idiot of myself at a job. I cry almost every day. I stare out the window at all my neighbors houses... how do they have normal lives... How come I can't have a Job I enjoy and feel like I'm part of society and live like a real person... I have no faith in myself... none whatsoever. Does anyone else feel this way? words of encouragement seem to always just fade after a few minutes... I just want to be happy..

[run290]

I wonder the exact same thing. I don't get why people actually want to go on in life. I have a job, but I don't feel as good as anyone else at my job. If my boyfriend doesn't call me every hour, I panic. Really. I start to have horrible thoughts about what he's doing & if he is mad at me etc. I don't tell him though because then he'll break up with me. I also look around at people and wonder how they go on in life. I am on Wellbutrin but I'm constantly sad. I only live to try to make money to provide for my 4 daughters.
I hide away and cry a lot. Throughout the day on the weekends & many times at night. I try not to let anyone see me or hear me crying.

[Sabatical]

Ugh I can't agree more!
I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years now, so the constant worry of he's going to leave me because he hasn't called me every 10 minutes phase has passed, thank god. Thats such a horrible feeling I know all too well and I feel for you.
I personally have such a hard time feeling respected. We live together, when he comes home he'll ask me things like "what did you do all day today" and "how come it's still a mess in here". I can't stand feeling like little suzy homemaker! Because I have no job, am too depressed to get out of bed and clean when I can i get treated like I'm not worthy of being respected!
I have tried to talk to him about this many times and in the end it's always ME thats the problem somehow.
Don't get me wrong I'm not dating an asshole, but things sure have changed since we've moved in together.
I feel like a little kid sometimes... no matter what I do I'm not appreciated for it, it feels to me i'm only acknowledged for the things I Didn't do..
 

[cbucks2010]

Hi Sabatical,

I understand the feeling.  Everybody gets scared to take a new step in life, and when you are depressed, that fear is magnified with thoughts of "I'm not good enough" and "Why should I try? I'll only fail and let everyone down." I am a senior in college about to graduate and believe me, that same fear is eating away at me. Life is hard no matter what you do, but with depression it can seem impossible. That's fantastic that you graduated from school and have training to do something you've always wanted to do. It's easy for me to sit here and say "Go for it! You can do it!", and while I do believe those things, I just wanted to say that you are not alone in feeling scared and worthless or incompetant. Something that I have often struggled with is a lack of faith in myself. It is hard to get motivated enough to put yourself out there - that takes a certain level of belief in yourself that is not easy to come by when you are depressed. I don't know if this has been a problem for you, but I have had a heck of a time looking for jobs. I am about to graduate and need to find a job, but because I have a hard time believing in myself I just see jobs that I am not worthy of or qualified for (which is not true!) I have found lately that the best way to put yourself out there is to just take it one small step at a time and one day/hour/minute at a time! When I look at the greater picture and the magnitude of how difficult life is, I spiral! 

I constantly feel as though I have let the people I love down and I perpetually feel like a burden!! In fact that was my biggest roadblock in receiving treatment, and in some ways it still is a roadblock for me. I am afraid to call people when I need help because I feel like I will be interrupting their lives and will be a burden. But the fact is that the people who care about us want us to be happy too and want to help us in whatever way they can! You seem to have a lot of things going for you despite everything. Try to remember the positives about yourself - I know this is the HARDEST thing to do. It is a process, but I hope you keep at it.

Take Care! :-)