What DO i have?

[kirinafa]

This is going to be long, sorry 

I have been diagnosed with social anxiety when i was 14 years old. Now, im having confusion as to if i have something more.

Since i was twelve i would go into bouts of depression where i would cry, due to having to go to school, or having to do things like chores. It would normally go away after a few hours/day. When i was young this was mostly brought on by my family (they are a crazy bunch).

Just to get you a idea, my mom is a pain patient and abuses her drugs, my dad often looks at children pornography, and my brother is a drug addict. I found out about all this when i was 12, and earlier but i just didn't realize that this stuff wasn't "normal".   

I often thought about 0119 starting at age 12 due to not having friends, my family, and school. I was afraid of being rejected, being put on the spot, getting in trouble, and what people see me as. When talking with someone i would just agree with whatever they say, just so they would like me. I often would think back for hours on this event and criticize anything i did and what they thought of me. This is worst toward superior figures.

Before i even went to school, i was held down by four people just to get a shot because that one shot meant that i could go to school. I did NOT want to be far away from my mom, and would cry if she left me. I guess back then that would be separation anxiety. She had done everything for me, i couldn't even go to the bathroom alone until i was 5-6.

In middle school i had my first panic attack, which from then on made me very, very scared to cry in public. I often feared that i could cry. In fact, i think that i could deal with going into social situations, but the fear of having a panic attack makes me stay home.

High school i had dropped out and stayed in my room for three years. In that time i shut myself off, and played a game called world of warcraft. In that time i had began to cut and choke myself when some little thing "sets me off" like someone looked at me funny or said something negative. Sometimes there is no reason.

Now, keep in mind that ever since i turned 14, i have had a continues amount of boyfriend up until now, at age 20. Sometimes i would have three at a time, mostly online. I would show my body to anyone and although i did hold off on sex, i've had 9 sexual-contact guys and even a female, 4 having actual sex. I cant even count the online people. For the most part i am very proud of my body. But sometimes i'll go into bouts of feeling like i look ugly, then sometimes i'll think i look like a supermodel. I mostly have guy friends, and i dont do well with girls because i know that they are not sexually attracted to me.. so i dont think they will like me.

I have had a destructive behavior since i started cutting, but after age 18 i started doing some bad stuff. Aside from the cutting/choking, i started smoking weed and doing whip its and having sex with a guy and staying at his place. When i was doing this i also had sexual contact with another guy. This lasted about a month, when i was visiting my parents. (i had moved to texas a year prior to be with my boyfriend.) When my boyfriend asked why i cheated on him, i told him that i wanted to be liked. And i guess thats the main reason, because i want to be loved and i know the guys will like me if i do those things. Another reason why i dont get along with girls. I have no idea if i'm bi or not, but i did "molest" one of my best friends in high school. We were both high on ambien. I think if the opportunity arises, i would try it with a women.

After all this, i had done i think the most disgusting thing ever. We have over ten dogs in my boyfriend's parents home. I had tried to kill one of them with ambien twice. I'm crying just thinking about it, because i dont know why! I loved that dog! She was my dog! I still dont know why i did that. I didn't kill her, but she later died of old age. Along with this behavior, when i was a young teen i would often think of killing my mother.

Today i dont cut, i dont choke myself, but just recently my boyfriend had some pain killers and i took them to get high. A guy did a test on me for seeing if i qualify for free college. He said that i might have generalized anxiety disorder, and perhaps borderline personality disorder. I did not tell him most of this.

What IS it that i have? Social anxiety? Avoidance disorder? Borderline personality? Generalized Anxiety? Panic Disorder? Agoraphobia? Depression?

I know that i have insomnia, and i think i have a little OCD. I have a fear of cars ever since i got hit by one when i was young, so i cant drive and its very hard for me to ride in one. It doesn't help that through out my life i get really bad stomach cramps, and pass out. Just recently after turning 16 i started having seizures. The doctors say its all mental. I dont know what to think.

I cant see anyone, because i dont have insurance. I would just like to know what i have.. so i can treat it.

[sarey]

don't go self diagnosing, is all i'll say.

[Chunky]

I know its hard seeing someone when you dont have insurance, but it sounds like you really need to make that a priority.  I dont have insurance either and for a long time I went to a govt center, I'm not sure if it was state run or what but they charge based on income, I remember the fee was *VERY* low and I got great care there.  I had the best therapist there I've ever had and a really great psychiatrist too.  She helped me get into a program where I got my (very expensive) medications paid for by the pharmaceutical company.  I'm sure they have something similar in your area.  Please call around, it sounds like you're in a lot of pain and it may be easier to get help than you think.