Self Harm - Please Read.

[sarey]

So, I'm just going to go on a long ramble here, but I hope it does help someone.

For those who are just beginning the dreadful path of self harming, I beg you to read this, and to try and listen to the words, to see how destructive and awful it is, to reconsider and to reach out for help.

I first began self harming when I was 7 years old.
It wasn't serious at first, in fact, it was very mild.
I would bite/suck my own skin, hit walls, bang my head, pull out my hair, mild behaviors like that.
I had no clue what I was getting myself into.

At first, it is a choice... but you have no idea how serious it can get.
It becomes an addiction.
Both emotionally and chemically.

You begin to crave it, your body feels as if it's screaming for it, your blood feels like it's pumping throughout your entire body, boiling with frustration, pleading for that next behavior(whatever it is you do, it can vary a great deal on the behaviors).

You begin to feel as if you can't get through the next minute without it.

You start to do it more.
It starts out as maybe once a week...
Once every few days...
Once a day...
Twice a day...
Next thing you know, you're doing it multiple times a day just to survive, just to breathe, just to get through the day.

Not only does the frequency increase, but so does the severity.

I began to cut myself roughly around 8 years old.
It was superficial for a few years, a few occasions I did cut myself with glass and I had to get a few stitches, but other than that, it was superficial, but in 2006, I discovered a way to cut myself severely.
I had no idea at first, I just cut myself as I always would, with the same pressure, big mistake...
I ended up with roughly 30 stitches that night.

The next night, my mind was screaming to take the stitches out, to do more, I tried not to, but it felt like I had to...
I took them out, and I continued with severely cutting myself once again.
Another trip to the hospital, more stitches, and a cast to prevent me from taking the stitches out again.

From then on, things went from bad to worse drastically.

Previous to this discovery, I had been overdosing every few weeks.
I was in hospital at least once a month from overdoses.
Some were 0119 attempts, but some were also another self harming behavior.

I was in a very dark place.
I felt trapped inside of my own mind.
I felt suicidally depressed.
I was self harming daily, unable to last without it, and any attempts to recover were futile.

I had been sectioned late August, 2006 for a month due to how severe my self harming was getting.

I had even managed to cut through to veins.

I was getting stitches for the majority of the times I had cut myself, other times I'd not go to hospital, but I knew they needed stitches.

Social Services had placed me on the Child Protection Register, one main reason being that I was a threat to myself, and I could end up 0669.
(The other main reason was neglect/abuse, as I'm not quite sure if you can go onto the CPR purely for being a risk to yourself.)

As you can see, it can, and it will get worse.
You will fall into an addiction that will forever be with you.
It will always be inside your mind.
Recovery can happen, of course, but it never goes away, not fully...
The sooner you stop, the easier it'll be to recover.

If you're reading this and you have been self harming for a while, and you've already fallen into this addiction, I beg you to reach out for help.
You don't need to do this to yourself.
You don't need to hurt anymore.
You don't need to punish yourself.
You don't need this, at all.
You need to try and reach out for help, even if you've already tried before and it didn't go well.
I've been seeing CAMHS(Child & Adolescent Mental Health Services) since I was 7 years old, I still am seeing professionals, I haven't given up, and it's been 10 years now.
Just because it doesn't go well the first, second, third, etc time, doesn't mean it'll never go well in the future.
You just need to keep trying, you need to keep going, you need to fight back against that voice inside your mind.

This is no way to live, in fact, if it gets that severe, it is a way to die.
You don't want that, trust me, you don't.

When I was told by a paramedic my heart could stop at any moment, I cried so hard, I felt extremely frightened and anxious, and full of regret.

A good friend of mine killed himself back in 2006, I remember him regretting it so badly, he was in a great deal of pain before he passed away.

It's not something you want, but that doesn't mean it isn't a possibility.

A lot of the time, people self harm just to live, but in the end, it's not a way to live at all...
It destroys you, it tears you apart, it causes so much chaos inside, it hurts you and those who love you and care about you.
If you can't find it in you to fight for yourself, fight for them.

In the end, this choice needs to come from you, and only you.
No one can force you to recover, or to reach out for help.
That has to be your choice.
Just don't give up.
Even if you feel hopeless, don't ever give up.
Don't ever give up hope.
Don't ever stop trying.

I still struggle on a daily basis with self harming, but compared to how I was, I'm much, much better.
It is possible to stop, it is possible to recover, it is possible to get better.
I'm living proof of that.
You may always struggle with it, but it's about who has the control, the addiction, or you.
Don't let self harm drag you down.
It isn't worth it.

I have permanent scars from how severe the wounds were, I'm not ashamed of them, but they are there forever, and it can cause a lot of grief for you in the future if they are permanent.

It really isn't worth it.
It's not worth the sheer hell you go through, at all.

Just know that all of you are loved.
All of you are cared about.
All of you are worth it.
All of you deserve to live.
All of you deserve to be happy, healthy and to enjoy life.
None of you deserve pain, both physically and mentally.

I understand how awful life can be, but there are people out there who can help you, support you, be there for you...
Give them a chance to do that.
I know it's easier said than done, but it's worth it in the end.

I'm always here for any of you if you ever want to talk.

I hope this has helped somehow.

Take care everyone.

[dbirm77]

Thank you for sharing that.
It could not have been easy to go through that.
I am proud of you for realizing that there was help out there.
Well done.

Drew

[sarey]

Didn't realize that there was help out there, I've tried & tried again & again to seek professional help since I was 7 yrs old, no success, I'm just telling others it's not worth it & it can & will get worse if self harming is involved & there are other ways of coping & that there are people out there who can help you. Just got to give them, and life, a chance. I'm trying to.

[Josie]

Thank you so much for your post.  I have printed it off to keep with me. It has helped me so much 

[jasminex]

Thank you Sarey for your very powerful message.  I joined this forum because i have been thinking of cutting again and your message was one i really needed to here right now.

 i  hope you will continue to go forward in your journey

jasmine

[Brittany]

i really appreciate you taking the time to share that, i self injured about six years didnt do it for about a year and recently relapsed.Very dissappointed in myself, i look at my scars almost everyday.i have been taken to a hospital without my concent a couple times, i was 15 the first and one of the only things i remember is the nurse who was checking out my body had said that it was one of the worst she had seen. I never forgot that, i dont know why maybe cause i didnt want to believe what i had did.Yes i agree that i never thought to hard about how these scars are permenant,    i feel foolish and ashamed. It helps to know that there are other people who truly understand.Thanks again

[twinmom]

As a self harmer who is trying really hard to quit...has been two weeks. Your post is great. It is so not worth it. It is a horrible cycle to get into and addictive. And over time it just gets worse and worse.