Do we use relationships to manage our feelings?

[Penny10]

I was reviewing my relationship history in light of my current long term relationship. I was wondering why I have been with this one person for such a long time. It occurred to me that for the duration of this relationship I have been diagnosed and treated for GAD. I have been with this one person for 5 years now. Prior to that I averaged one boyfriend per year. I think I used the feelings of being in love to manage my feelings of anxiety and depression!! I don't know what to think of that!!! Who am I??? Anyone else wonders about that?

[Draven]

Interesting.... I am wondering about it now,  You should expand more on your thoughts on the subject.  I personally find a long term relationship a more anxious situation then that of a new relationship.  When things are new, its fairly simple, easy to walk into and away from, and even easier to enjoy and explore effortlessly.

[Penny10]

I find your reply interesting.

 In my case the feeling of being "in love" would relieve feelings of depression. If I were not in this drug induced stable period I don't think I could maintain a stable relationship. I would be seeking emotional satisfaction from other external sources like love or recognition. Now that I have a stable internal environment I have something to compare myself to myself prior to myself (ha).

So you find that new relationships are easier, do you fall in love in these relationships?

[Kallie]

Penny I know exactly what you mean. I feel the same way when in a relationship. It is as if the stability makes my other problems seem more manageable. I do depend on the love in a relationship to get me through. I don't think this is always good. It has made my past two breakups extremely tough, left me feeling very alone because I had been depending so strongly on that person. It's starting to ruin my current relationship too, the dependency I have on my boyfriend is getting to him (and why we are currently on a break...) I have panic attacks if I don't hear from him which is making it all that much worse.

I think that it has to be a bad thing, there should be relationships that are there for you to help manage your feelings. Isn't that part of love? I think its when that relationship becomes your sole source of relief and management that problems arise. (which is what I had been doing)

[Penny10]

You are correct. However I will avoid the pain of anxiety at any cost. I t has ruled my life for the past 5 years. Drugs are not enough. Please help me,.

[Cooler]

Penny and folks,

Yes, I believe that people do use relationships to manage their feelings. I did the 'falling in love' thing lots when young. I didn't think how much I was hurting others by raising their hopes and then discarding them. Dependency is a genuine part of a good relationship and we need to allow and accept that IMHO.

Worse things happen though. I have seen manipulation, bullying and all kinds of nasty stuff in relationships and it always seems to give the perpetrator some satisfaction (which is why they do it). Also I have seen people deliberately destroy their relationships as a kind of wish fulfillment that they are 'bad' and deserve to fail.

All of this is the bread and butter of relationship counselling, and difficult stuff.

C.

PS - I have even known a professional counsellor who had serial relationships with much younger men, all ending catastrophically.

[Primal]

Interesting.... I am wondering about it now,  You should expand more on your thoughts on the subject.  I personally find a long term relationship a more anxious situation then that of a new relationship.  When things are new, its fairly simple, easy to walk into and away from, and even easier to enjoy and explore effortlessly.

I agree with you, especially on the intimacy front.  I think the best intimate and most passion filled "relationships" Ive been in was when I knew almost nothing about the girl and we would just get together for physical reasons and not talk about any personal things afterwards.  Im a big time talker and investigator into feelings and the motives and workings of people.  While this brings you close in a long term relationship it also makes me look at the girl as a smart, respectful, caring, deep person who "is good for me,"  not as someone who I want to tear her clothes off.  Maybe because I was raised by a single Mom and learned almost too much respect for women. 

Cliff notes;  short term or long term flings only = cant wait to be with her physically.  Serious relationships = utmost respect and friendship but lack of physical interest.

[PopTart]

I am not a psychologist or neuroscience or anything but it is my understanding that our brains release all sorts of hormones/chemicals such as dopamine, oxytocin, endorphins.. ect. when in romantic relationships... the feeling of anxiety is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain... so it's very possible that people with anxiety use relationships as a way to manage it. Although I think ALL humans use relationships as a way to achieve some sort of emotional balance.

I used sex (Mmmm dopamine/norepinephine!) as a not so healthy way to deal with anxiety/depression for a while... I made several attempts at relationships but would always "inadvertently" run them into the ground till I finally realized just why I was behaving in such a way and what type of repercussions it was having on myself and others. I've settled down a bit now.