I feel condemned...

[Warbirdwf]

Bama and Door-

You both had absolutely great posts!! Excellent advice your shared to help WISP. This is the kind of stuff that makes this such a great site.

[WiSp]

Thank you. I checked for EA, but the closer is at 355km. I think the in-patient care you talk about is what they offered to me there. But you can't sleep there so I would have to move...If I do it it will be when I will have normal days, if it ever happens again. I think I could freak out about everything. It's obvious that I have extremely low self confidence and esteem. I've not returned with my parents just for anxiety itself. I was not trusting me to correctly take care of myself. I felt my life threatened. I was alone and afraid of myself. I was obsessed about food (what if I panic each time I have to eat, I will stop to eat, or eat not enough, etc etc) and the fact that I have to go outside to get this food. At the point that I was disgusted to eat, panicking each time and also at the grocery. Just to think about it was hard. It's better now with zyprexa. But I still don't really take 3 meals per day. I sleep the most I can, I wake up at 2pm often, eating cereals or something equivalent, and after the evening meal I eat some stuff too. Only the evening meal is hard. I have no pleasure at all, I feel forced and I'm near panic all the time.

When I say I can freak out about everything, it's true. For example, late at night if I hear a sound, I will overthink. "What if this is an auditive hallucination? What if I think it's a ghost or whatever else? How to know?" and panic comes with the chain of thoughts with it. I can't say "No, it's nothing like that" because I can't trust what I say! It's like if everything is possible. My main obsessions are about the fear of people and my way to can't accept reality. Like if I would like to control everything and I can't. Sometimes I think so strongly about why I'm afraid of people that I think I find bad reasons and of course I panic about those. Being normal, I would say "Ah, I can't control this. But it doesn't matter." or "Ah, this is something interesting to think about". But right now it can only be "NO! I don't want this to be like that!" or "I can't accept this!" and the panic comes. Like if all is too complex, I can't stand my own life. I even feel stuff for others. I think I try to think for them, to imagine their reactions and anticipate everything. It's like if I try to take the weight of the universe on my shoulders. My mind is going crazy, wanting to find fear everywhere or complicating everything. If it can't find fear or a problem, it creates it. I still barely have any control. Sometimes it's even not a thought, I begin to panic over a feeling or by an odor in the air. Even while my mind is busy the most I can, I feel 50% of it still wondering what next craziness it can think about.

Zyprexa is still doing NOTHING at 10mg. Not an inch. It's even much worse since it boosts zoloft and my anxiety goes crazy each time I up zoloft. It takes a week before to slow down. I upped 2 times in 2 weeks, both zoloft and zyprexa and now I'm in pure hell. It was probably too fast for me. But I want all this to finish fast. It has been long to up to 100mg and 10mg for zyprexa. But it's just now that I really begin the required dose...because I need at least 150 and the actual 100 is probably boosted to 150 with zyprexa. So I have another month to do! I even can't go out for an haircut. My hairs are so long. It sounds funny but it's not. I've been able to see my optometrist today and it was very hard. Smiling and acting like if everything is normal when you feel like dying. But for the haircut it's different. I can't just being there sit down and wait, while the thoughts are racing. It's worse than everything. I panic all the time. When I think about others, I know they live peacefully because they don't care about everything. But it's my condition. I can't control this! It never stop...This make me feel different from others. I don't feel human. And what to say about the feeling to be disconnected. I feel outside my body sometimes, and when I realize it I have a rush of anxiety.

Bama, to be able to trust what I say when I say something logic, I must have more confidence. And right now I don't know where to find it. How to force me to believe something? I lack confidence since always but with anxiety it has no limits. If I ever feel good again one day, I will try to work on it. I'm serious, even for a simple job, I was too scared to do it. Thinking always that I can't do it correctly or fear to not do it correctly. Even a janitor job. I think I would be more confident by doing it free, with no obligations. That's why I wanted a psychologist to work on everything that put me in this state. But I understand the logic of your exercise. I will try to do it anyway. I got a psychologist finally. I will see her this next monday. It's a good new but it will be hard to go there and talk about this stuff. I know that I don't have any choice. I really want to be sure that I'm not an alien and that everything is possible to be explained. And I want to be convinced that I will not stay like this forever. That there is a life to live for me. If the psychologist is really good, I will trust what it is said. Another good new is that I gained weight: 7 or 8 pounds. I still need 10 pounds to be at a healthy weight. I kill the time with video games, reading (when I can) and rarely by going outside the house at night, just to walk around. This waiting is horrible. I even asked it to my psych if I can do something. He said there is nothing to do. It could be faster at hospital but I refuse to go there. Watching the walls all the day will really make me lose my mind. I need at least my computer to kill 3/4 of the time. I don't want either to be put to sleep by force. Actually I sleep good. I've no problem with this. My dreams are often very social and I feel no anxiety in them, and during the day I fear humanity. I don't understand why my dreams are like that, but they are reassuring. But when my sleep is too lite, anxiety is in my dreams. But it's just usually at the last hour.

I will follow your recommendations. Thank you for being there for me. If those meds finally work, I will post it there for sure. But for now I must return to my waiting.

[Door]

I forgot to mention that I moved in with my mother last year, even though I had my own place and paid rent on it.  I was not able to care for myself.  Eating was awful.  I forced what I could.  I struggled to weigh 100 lbs.  I was emaciated.

What do the patients do in the hospital where you are?  At the regular hospital with a psych ward (not the 6-week psychiatric hospital), I was forced to attend groups all day, everyday.  I was not allowed to stare at walls or oversleep.  I had no choice but to be around people whose suffering became all consuming.  Doing so helped me feel better.  This phenomenon is called the therapeutic milieu.  It is more powerful for me than any drug, any therapy alone.  In fact, the main goal of my current treatment is to create a sustainable milieu in my real life. 

[WiSp]

Why eating was awful for you? What was your feeling about it? I really don't know how much I'm affected by depression and/or anxiety about food. But eating is a real problem.

At the hospital, I don't know what you do there but I suppose they give you stuff to sleep. It's not the same thing than their special program. This program is a kind of group therapy during the day, but you can't sleep there. They offer small apartments to people wanting to live there temporary. So you have to take care of yourself anyway. It's not like an hospitalization. But I fear people too much right now. I could never assist something like that. I'm even not feeling good with my parents. I feel better isolated. I can't stand any human being. It boosts my anxiety. I returned with my parents because I was not able to take care of myself anymore. But now I'm never alone and it's another problem. I really need the meds to work even at minimum to do something else. I will force myself to go to see my psychologist but it will surely not be easy. I forced the system myself to finally got one (it was a 6 months waiting before). But now I'm scared to go. But a psych can only help me with meds and I feel that I also need something else. I'm struggling all the day about how it ended like this, why and how to escape. I need someone that can understand those things better than me. I need a guide. Even if it will be hard to go and speak about my pain, I know that I must try.

[Door]

The sight of food made me sick.  I too could not walk into a grocery store with out feeling nauseated.  Drinking water was difficult, even when I was very thirsty.  I felt like my body was giving up too.  For about 2 months, all I could handle were nutritional drinks like Ensure or Slim Fast.  They were small, had a lot of calories, and I could gulp one down in less than a second.  Still disgusting though.

Loss of appetite is a symptom of severe depression or severe anxiety.  I wasn't able to enjoy cookies, ice cream, pasta, and other foods I love.

I noticed that the type of people I was around affected me.  I love my mother dearly, but during that time, being around her made me more depressed and more anxious.  She didn't understand what was happening and I felt guilty and misunderstood.  When I was around friends who had suffered a severe mental illnesses, I felt at ease, like I could relax and talk about anything I needed to talk about without the fear of being judged.

I've discovered that I need as many people in my life who understand mental illness.  Love isn't enough, even from my own mom.

[Bama21]

I lost about 25 pounds because of the same reasons.  I felt hungry, but it was a near impossible task to chew and swallow solid food.  I also drank a lot of ensure just to give myself some energy.  To make it worse, the fact that I wasn't eating gave me anxiety about getting malnourished. 

During that time, I couldn't work or really do much of anything.  It was also a catch-22, because the less active I was, the more I ruminated and thought about how horrible everything was.  A dark, dark period for sure.  Thankfully, by the Grace of God, it was brief.  I don't know that I am strong enough to have handled an extended period like that.

[WiSp]

Thank you both, I appreciate this information. My old psych told me also about using Ensure. But I think zyprexa saved me to have to do this. It changed my mind about food just enough to be able to continue to eat, or at least outside the meals. The sight of food was also making me sick. It was a nightmare because we eat pretty much often, and we must think about what to prepare often in the day. I was always nauseous when thinking about this. And it was obsessing. I knew that depression and anxiety can cause a loss of appetite but I was not knowing that it can make food disgusting. It's good to know. It's like another piece of the puzzle I live in.

I also know that people around me affect my condition. My father seems to boost my anxiety. I don't know really why. Probably because he can't understand. My mother understand pretty good and I don't feel her too much like a weight on me. But like I said I would feel better alone. When they are outside, it's better.

I had another obsession yesterday. It's another good example about what plague my mind all day long. I was looking at the trees outside and they were moving because of the wind. In a second I thought they were moving alone. I panicked. This is the kind of thing that make people think I'm crazy. It's like if my imagination think something, and that I can't trust my reason. There is a doubt, in every thought. This doubt generate the fear. What was imagined, harm me like if it was real. And then a chain of thoughts happens: "what if it happens again? There are trees everywhere, it could happen again" etc. Like Bama suggested I looked at the trees today. But I don't feel the same than yesterday. They look more like simple trees but the fear of being scared is still there. I obsess about events like this. The good thing is that I usually can't obsess about more than one thing at a time.

I hope that I can expect those obsessions to disappear when anxiety will go. I doubt about everything. I'm paranoid. I think about zyprexa that could do this, or make it worse in any ways. My psych will surely up it to the maximum. And if it does nothing more, I will surely have to test another pill like risperdal. At least zyprexa seems to help for depression. I've not cried since 3 weeks now. But anxiety is horrible. It's those obsessions...I never know what will happen when a new day start. I see my psych tuesday and my psychologist monday. It will be torture to get there again. I often get a rush of anxiety just by going outside my room. Often when I play video games, I feel like in a bubble. When I stop and look around my room, I feel another rush of anxiety. Like if I realize all of a sudden that I'm still living in this hell, and nothing changed.

[WiSp]

* Update * My psych said that I clearly have obsessions. He even told me that zyprexa could worsen them, at the chance of 1/20. Now the question is, it is my case? I don't know...I had some before to start zyprexa, but if I have more now I don't know. It's frustrating because I need to up it now and I don't know if I will turn even more crazy or if it will help. He said obsessions are related to serotonin so I have to up zoloft anyway. I can obsess about anything. I imagine things and fear about them. Like to think that a tree move by itself when it's the wind. Like I say, it can be anything. In the next days I will first up zoloft and later zyprexa...and I will try to watch what happens. But it's something very hard to measure. He also given to me klonopin. I will try it for the first time of my life. I'm also starting to see a psychologist. My second appointment is next monday. I asked my brother if I'm more obsessed than before. Sincerely I would say more yes than no. But I'm also scared of zyprexa and I would be glad to get rid of it so, it is objective?. But it helps for depression...and for food. It becomes very hard to take a decision. If I would know for sure that it worsen my obsessive mind, it would be perfect. Ah, also I got the famous book "Hope and help for your nerves". I started to read it. I recognize myself already in the first pages. I'm supposed to up zoloft at 125 and zyprexa at 12.5 and see my psych again in 2 weeks. He told me that I can do it slowly, choosing to up one and not the other at the same time. So that's where I am now.

[Bama21]

Wisp...what is the prescribed dosage of Klonopin that you have?

We all know the addiction stories and everything else, and I definitely don't want to discount that.  But...in your situation, I'd hope that you can be fairly liberal with the Klonopin at least until you can get through this startup with the Zoloft.  That may not be what you want to do and I'm certainly no doctor, but it sounds like you need something that will slow your mind down for a little while. 

When I was having my worst moments of anxiety, I went for about a week where I was taking the MAX dose every day of my benzo.  I felt drugged, sure.  But...I also at least wasn't coming completely out of my skin.  It's just that you need something that will stabilize you until you can get these SSRI's figured out.

Just a thought.  What do you think?

[WiSp]

It's 0.5mg 2 times per day. I know that it will do nothing for all the obsessions I got. But it can do a difference for anxiety. My psych explained to me that obsessions and anxiety are 2 different things and zoloft can work on obsession and benzos can't do nothing about it. But the first goal is to reduce anxiety, and because I'm not better at all, this is why I get klonopin. I wonder anyway who would need benzos if not me. But I don't think about taking them all the time. I will test it and if it works good I will take them when needed. Even if I take them each day, it's for 2 weeks only. I doubt I could become dependant anyway because usually benzos stop to work pretty fast for me, if we talk about xanax and ativan. I wanted to test klonopin since a long time now. I hope it will make a good difference. I'm more worried about obsessions now than by anxiety itself. And zyprexa costs a fortune. $1.23 per one pill of 10mg. I just realized it. My psych said I can take up to 20mg. And at this time if it still don't do anything for anxiety, we will try something else.

When I up zoloft, anxiety becomes horrible. So klonopin will surely help. It's really a crazy boost when it happens. Pretty much like celexa was too. Now I will be able to see the difference with a good long term benzo.

[Daisy131]

did your psych explain why he said anxiety is different from obsessions?

i ask because during my visit today my doc said she thinks i have more issues with OCD and obsessions, and that the GAD is more secondary to the OCD- more or less, the OCD causes the anxiety. which makes sense because OCD is an anxiety disorder as well.

yet every psychologist i have ever met has said anxiety and obsessions are good neighbors, and that worries can become obsessions if they are not handled properly.

i'm just wondering the difference myself. like i know what anxiety feels like. i have that down pat. but the obsessions CAUSE the anxiety.

all this stuff makes my head spin.

also- i wonder why the zyprexa won't help with the obsessions?

and as far as the klonopin goes- i would be pretty liberal with it esp when you increase the zoloft and get more anxious. i have been perscribed xanax to take 4 times a day while i'm getting onto zoloft (AGAIN).

[WiSp]

He talked a lot about obsessions, too much for me to remember everything. He said that when an obsession pop up, I have the choice to think it in a positive or a negative way (I talk about obsessive thoughts, not actions). I told him that when it happens, I don't trust myself but I think he says that it doesn't really matter. Just to take the habit to choose a more positive way when it happens. Like, "this tree move because of the wind. It doesn't move by itself. It can't. I know it." instead of "what if" and thinking about something else, irrational. I think that the goal is to repeat positive behaviors and the brain end by trusting them. I'm pretty sure my GAD started before obsessions. It has been: panic attacks, then after some time, GAD, then after, obsessions. Before I move I had not so much obsessions plaguing me all the time.

And he said that the way to treat obsessions is by playing with serotonin. So any med working on it can help, like zoloft. He said also that zyprexa could worsen obsessions, in 1/20 people. So he said "watch if it worsen". Of course obsessions boost my anxiety but I don't know if they are the main problem. I'm sure that we can be anxious for no apparent reason. And we can also be anxious because of obsessive thoughts. Both are possible. After all, benzos don't remove any obsessions but they remove anxiety. So they are 2 different things.

I think you should really try the zoloft correctly, Daisy. It's always a pain to start but it can help you. I'm upping it right now to 125mg. It will probably boost my anxiety like crazy again, after 3 or 4 days but this time I will have klonopin.

[Bama21]

did your psych explain why he said anxiety is different from obsessions?

i ask because during my visit today my doc said she thinks i have more issues with OCD and obsessions, and that the GAD is more secondary to the OCD- more or less, the OCD causes the anxiety. which makes sense because OCD is an anxiety disorder as well.

yet every psychologist i have ever met has said anxiety and obsessions are good neighbors, and that worries can become obsessions if they are not handled properly.

i'm just wondering the difference myself. like i know what anxiety feels like. i have that down pat. but the obsessions CAUSE the anxiety.

all this stuff makes my head spin.

also- i wonder why the zyprexa won't help with the obsessions?

and as far as the klonopin goes- i would be pretty liberal with it esp when you increase the zoloft and get more anxious. i have been perscribed xanax to take 4 times a day while i'm getting onto zoloft (AGAIN).

They build on each other.  Or at least they did for me.  I agree with what you are saying.  When I have dealt with obsessions, my experience is that the only reason that I had the obsession was because of anxiety.  Then...then obsessions caused more anxiety.  It all revolved around and originated with anxiety. 

I do think that the obsessions, in and of themselves, are a separate issue from anxiety, and that is probably what the psych is referring to.  The SSRI's control the racing thoughts and emotions and keep your mind sort of even-keeled.  That said, I don't think that the obsessions that Wisp is having would be there if the anxiety wasn't so severe.  That's just my opinion from reading his posts. 

Wisp...you said yourself that the anxiety is not as big of a factor right now as the obsessions.  Well...the reason the obessions ARE such a big deal is because they are causing severe anxiety. 

[WiSp]

Yes of course. Obsessions would not be of any trouble if there was not anxiety from them. And now that I know that zyprexa can worsen them, I will obsess about trying to see if it's the case. I hope I will find a way to live through all this with the help of meds and my psychologist. I'll see her each week. My psych has given to me some klonopin. It's new to me even if I know what it is. It will be useful with the zoloft upping. 0.5mg 2 times per day. At least I was able to show to my psych that I've a lot of obsessions. Now I think he understands. When one pop up, I fear to believe it. Then I can panic, and if I panic, I think it's because I believe it. Then I panic even more. I'm scared all the day of new obsession to come, to fear them and panic. Some are the same everyday, like my fear of people. Some are new, created from anything. I've not got a precise diagnosis except for GAD, panic disorder and depression (I also probably have social anxiety disorder). But my psych told me that I clearly have obsessions.

[Door]

Zyprexa could worsen obsessions?  Argh.

Have you tried the Klonopin yet?  A friend with severe OCD found relief with an SSRI + Klonopin.  I hope it helps you.  It works much like Xanax.  I've tried it with no ill effects.

The medication game can be really trying.  It doesn't seem fair, but some of us have to go through it.  The anxiety you are experiencing sounds very strong.  I'm still keeping you in my thoughts.

[WiSp]

* Update * I now take zoloft at 125mg and zyprexa at 12.5. I got several days of peace one week ago, feeling better than usual and with no help from klonopin. This is the very best I got since September I think. I first thought it was a coincidence. But it lasted for several days. I was not too much afraid to go outside, I've even done some bike. But since I upped zyprexa to 12.5 my old bad days were back again. My psych seem to think that zyprexa worsen my obsessions and then anxiety. So I'm going to take only 10mg instead of 12.5 and up zoloft again. He wants me to get back to the good days. He says that with time, the good feeling I got, will continue to improve. I feel really bad today and I just took a klonopin. It's very hot outside and I was afraid to faint all along with this dizziness. I was sweating a lot. It never happened (fainting), but at each time I feel like if "it could be this time". I know that it's very positive because of the several good days in a row that I got. But when it's bad like right now I seem to forget the good days. My psych said that it will take 3 to 4 days for the body to get really back on 10mg so I could feel bad during those days. I asked him if there are other people feeling so bad...He said immediately "absolutely. some are hospitalized for weeks. This is not classic, you don't have a classic anxiety case, but you are not alone." I also remember, before I move, my other psych seeing that I'm desperate, said "You will be back like your old self again. It's only a matter of time.". I try to concentrate on those things. He says that I must not test myself and live only to live, nothing more. This is mostly what I do, even if I try sometimes to work a bit on college stuff. 2 days ago I forgot to take zyprexa (well I was unsure if I took it already so I skipped). I got nightmares all the following night and anxiety was horrible. What I have right now may be from this, even if it was also bad before. I will try to never skip zyprexa again. My days are very long. I can't seem to have fun in anything. I really hope to have good time again. I'm waiting only for this. Klonopin is not perfect but it helps. I feel drunk on it and it's easier to live.

[Bama21]

Sounds like a good update, overall.  When bad days happen, I know how hard it is to focus on the good days, but...try to remember that it is COMPLETELY NORMAL that you are having some bad days after your good period.  With as bad as your anxiety was, it's going to take some time for those bad days to go away, but...there is no question that you having several good days is a sign that things are getting better.

One thing that helped me:  Remember to reinforce the positives WHILE you are going through the good days.  Like I said, it's hard to dwell on the positive when things are bad, even though you should at least try.  But...when things are going good, that is the perfect time to gain confidence and build yourself up.  It may not be completely noticeable, but, over time, you will begin to see the bad days diminish in frequency and intensity.  It's almost like your subconcious is getting rid of the anxiety slowly.

[Door]

Thank goodness that you had a few good days.  It sounds like you are turning a corner to more good days.

What is "classic anxiety"?  From your posts, it seems that you have typical anxiety symptoms that happen to be very intense and very severe.  For me, it was very difficult to deal with and I did end up in the hospital for 6 weeks!  I am relieved that you have a family who is doing the best they can to support your recovery.  If I had that, I probably wouldn't have needed a hospital stay.  I am so glad it is working out for you.

[WiSp]

* Update * I'm not like I was at the start, but I still feel bad often. I got better than never 2 or 3 weeks ago, even for obsessions, but it got pretty bad after. I'm still fighting with anxiety each day, I have random panic attacks, and I've obsessions. The positive stuff is that I'm not too much depressed and I still eat normally. I got back all the weight I lost and even a bit more. I also force myself to go outside and talk to people. I take zyprexa at 12.5 and zoloft at 175. I told my psych today that I sometimes feel like if I don't take any meds. He decided to put me on klonopin daily now, and to not care about any future problems because he said that we must do something and our priority is that I can feel normal for a change. I've never took klonopin regulary, and never any benzo regulary. Now it will be 0.5 2 times per day, and even a third if needed. He said it will take 4 days for klonopin to be really set in the body, and that will be a different effect than only taking one when needed. He smiled when I told him that I was only taking one when needed. He knows how I'm scared of pills. He told me that before antidepressants, we were using only benzos for anxiety. But now that's where I am, I must try a benzo daily and don't worry about it. My psych can't tell me why zoloft and zyprexa are not really working but he said that we must take all the possible tools, even hospitalization, to break the anxiety routine (because at hospital we can monitor meds and changes fast). I really don't want to live in an hospital, and I will try to break the routine by myself. I really hope that to be on klonopin daily will do a difference. I really don't want this hospital stuff. I feel like I will die or go crazy without my computer. Upon arriving at home I threw the new bag of pills on my bed, depressed. I've not updated since today because it was bad again and I don't want to complaint all the time. It's useless anyway. Maybe zoloft never really worked for me after all? I don't know. Maybe it can't just be enough for now too. I also see a psychologist. I have a kind of program. I must do "Jacobson's relaxation", and keep my mind busy by some activities. I fear everything. I've read somewhere on the forum, someone saying "I'm afraid to be alive". I think I've the same feelings. I really wonder if I will be normal again one day. Thanks for everyone that helped me so far. For advice and support. I hope that the next update I will be able to tell you that I really feel better and only improving.

To Door: to answer your question about "what is classic anxiety", I guess non classic anxiety is when you need more heavy medication because an antidepressant alone is not enough. It's a way to describe it. Or the way you live, when you can't do anything much or that you're hospitalized.

[Door]

Thank you for keeping us posted.

I think adding Klonopin will help with the anxiety.  I agree with your doctor about not worrying about taking it regularly.  Getting better now is the goal.

Sometimes getting the meds straight is the hardest part.  I feel for you.

[WiSp]

I think it's the time for an update...

I take now zoloft 200mg (the maximum) and it's hard to tolerate (175 was ok). I think it gots me out of hell, not completely but it helped enough to have a manageable anxiety. Zyprexa is at 10mg, I stopped there for not worsen my obsessions. I'm sure it does nothing for anxiety, but it helps for depression and food. However I got 57 pounds on it. And then klonopin at 0.5 2 times per day. Klonopin is the thing that changed my life the most. With this I felt the fear to leave me enough to start doing some things again, like tv, music, going outside, biking and even driving. However I'm so drowsy on it, it's almost unbearable. So now I'm at 0.5 + 0.25. It helped for the drowsiness but my anxiety is back. Maybe it's from zoloft at 200 too, but I'm on it since 2-3 weeks and I was ok with klonopin before to use 0.75mg instead of 1mg.

Ah what will I do...Effexor is a "no way" for me, lexapro and cymbalta are not covered by insurance. My options are to add remeron, but I'm afraid to sleep all the time on this, or try something less used like luvox or prozac. I decided to not try paxil again, because it kills my sexuality completely and if I must take something for years, I don't want to live like this.

I'm no more in the hell I was. But since I'm on klonopin 0.75mg life gets harder. For example, going outside restarted to be hard. I've done some college work during all this time, a way to not feel my life to be totally useless. I've a psychologist too. It helps somehow...We try to change my way to react to anxiety. But it doesn't seem to be working. I try to apply the tricks...but my anxiety must be still too high for work on the psychology. But recently we started to work on something new. To reveal the roots of my anxiety and it's interesting. Now that's something I think to be important.

I guess if I don't get better the way I was, I will take klonopin back at 1mg per day.
That's all for now. Thanks to be still reading this thread.

[Warbirdwf]

Hey Wisp,

Glad to hear you're feeling better! You sure deserve to feel better after what you went thru!

[Door]

I am so happy to hear you are doing better!  Although there may be a lot more work to be done in therapy, I know you can do it now that you are out of the "deep, dark place".  Please keep us posted!

[WiSp]

Thanks warbird and Door. By the way I love your avatar Door.

I just wanted to say...that I still feel locked up in my home, in my bubble. But soon I will assist to something special to get better. And I wanted to share it here. It's at the hospital, everyday of the week. It's a kind of intense therapy. 2 months. You are free only by 3pm. Schedule is:
monday: "welcome group", return on the weekend. Personal meeting or personal work. "Goal groups". Psychotherapy group.
tuesday: Revitalization group. Expression group. Info-health. Relaxation and managing stress.
wednesday: individual meeting, revitalization group, psychotherapy group, socialization and entertainment group.
thursday: "tasks group", psychosocial group 1, psychosocial group 2
friday: psych meeting, objective group for the week end.
I tried to traduce all the terms correctly. It's an intensive treatment. Right now I sleep too much, so I'm not ready for this. Groups are 8 people max. They are mostly concerned with depression and anxiety. They told me there is only one case of schizophrenia right now. Ah and it's free...they can even pick me up each morning and also return me home.

All this is pretty scary. I've not decided yet... But I guess I must do something to help me. I feel that meds will never be enough. I feel like if I'm loosing my humanity. I get scared of people, I'm not at ease with them, I fear something that I don't know...It's true that I'm better than before. Klonopin helped me the most. But you know I got some ambitions in life, and I can't live with knowing that I will never be able to do what I want. I must do something. So I hope this treatment will really help. I will keep you updated.

[Door]

Great to hear from you, Wisp.  The intensive therapy sounds awesome.  Although I have agoraphobia, I feel most at ease around people who also suffer from anxiety and depression.  I hope that this will be the same for you too.

Klonopin seems to help you the way Xanax helps me. 

I'm so glad that you are doing better.