I feel condemned...

[WiSp]

After my run away from the last psychiatrist that wanted me to try effexor and zyprexa (I want to avoid effexor at all costs), I've seen another one today. He said himself to not have checked my stuff (files), was saying that I alerted everyone there (I phoned 2 times, I was just asking to be higher in the priority list), saying I'm a difficult patient, blaming me for have flushed the other psychiatrist, blamed me to want too much to know everything (i.e.: swallow what I give and shut up), said I'm a severe case of anxiety and finally forced me to take effexor and zyprexa again. No options about meds. He even denied me to have any benzos to help to cope with the start. He was acting like tired, irritated, sighing a lot, acting discouraged every time I was opening my mouth. Before to move my psychiatrist proposed me several options. She always listened to me. She was like a friend. She talked about effexor too but understood my terror about it and proposed prozac, remeron...even to get back to zoloft. Seroquel was something too big for me, so she proposed to cut it in 16 if possible. She was HUMAN. Doctors here are not, it seems. Why I moved? I was not able to leave my home. I had no friends to help me to continue to see doctors. I was not able to go to buy food. I was doing it but it was crazy. It was becoming dangerous. Anxiety can't kill, but you need to eat... So I moved where my family can help me. But doctors here are so hard to meet, and they are bad. They can be bad as they want, they are so few that people have no choice to see them. Seriously if I was not so in bad shape I would try somewhere else. But it will take forever again. I'm really worried about my physical condition that it seems to worsen with time. I've seen it to get bad more and more during all 2009 from November 2008. I don't want to know what will happen if I wait more. Doctors said to me that with this severity, anxiety cannot lead to psychosis but lead to bad interpretation of some part of the reality, which is a psychosis-like symptom. Books on anxiety don't talk about this and I guess it's because people don't go often so far with anxiety. Books are always very general.

I wanted to try prozac or another SSRI because paxil and zoloft helped, and I was unable to continue with wellbutrin and celexa (too sick on them). So now I'm condemned with effexor XR, I cry since I'm back, I'm scarred like hell, scarred mostly because of effexor and all the bad stuff I read about it, but also to feel so trapped by doctors that never listen to you, play with you like a doll and don't care about what will happen to you. He felt guilty to take me because it was not fair for his friend (the other psy). I should have guessed...I bought effexor and zyprexa anyway, and I react to what will come like a real torture. I can't stop thinking that now with this, my anxiety will be so crazy that this time I will really disconnect from reality. I know some will say "it may work" etc just figure how hard I cope with every little physical thing that are happening without meds, I can't imagine how I will do with effexor, with the reputation of the very unique to cause so much trouble in the body. I'm scarred like hell of zyprexa too, but much less. I was told to take zyprexa for sleep and effexor at the morning. Oh god if only I would have a benzo to do the big try...just for a few days...I planned to try half of zyprexa minimum tonight...if something horrible happens, it will be half of horrible at least. However effexor is in powder. It's 37.5 and I will try only when I will know what zyprexa does, after a day on 2.5mg If I was not so scarred of the death itself, I would think about it. So now I'm trapped between death and crazyness. I can't escape, and those meds will cause stuff that will worsen the situation. But somewhere in this, they offer hope. A huge price to pay for a hypothetical positive effect at the very end, with a lot of suffering before. I could have tried prozac, luvox, anything but not this! Even if I try to find another place with another psychiatrist, it will take too much time. People around me will just say that I don't have any choice left. Even if it's true, how I will cope with all this!!!!I've already a large bunch of symptoms without meds, how I will cope if I add a lot of stuff again? You may agree that I should try anyway. If it's the case, tell me how I'm supposed to cope with all this...I'm 28, I've known anxiety all my life but never been so deep inside. Really, how I will deal with effexor...it could have been remeron, cymbalta, why effexor! I hate doctors.

[Warbirdwf]

Yikes Wisp! Sorry to hear you had such a bad experience with your lastest doctor. I think you're in Canada. Can't you see a private doctor? Either way, you need to work on controlling all those negative thoughts you're going thru. I know it's tough, trust me! I'm battling heightened anxiety right now too. I'm going thru the withdrawal of the Seroquel. It's not fun times but I really believe I will feel better once the withdrawals deminish.

By the way, Remron isn't that great a drug in my opinion. I took it for sleep and it helped. I'm not sure how effective it was for helping with my anxiety. I'm still taking a small dose 15mg. It's the next drug I want to discontinue. I'd like to only be on the Paxil to measure if it's truly helping or not.

Keep your chin up Wisp! It's your choice if you want to try those drugs or not. You could probably go to the ER if all else failed and get more benzo's right? Either way, I wish you luck with what you do.

[Door]

If it makes you feel better, I personally would take Effexor before I take Prozac or Remeron again.  My Prozac experience was pretty bad.  Remeron, meh.  I don't know how I could function as a zombie.  Effexor does have withdrawal effects.  You don't have to worry about that now.  You could try it for a few weeks.  If it doesn't work out, you could stop or taper down with NO PROBLEM.  Seriously.  If it works, you won't have to worry about withdrawals for another year or two.

The doctor sounds really insensitive.  You need compassion right now.  That said, he medication recommendations seem okay.  I've had many, many, many doctors call me a difficult patient.  Jeez, it's like they don't understand the nature of panic and anxiety.  I wasn't difficult, but my symptoms were.  I hated feeling blamed. 

Psychosis-like?  How stupid!  It's called fear.  Anxiety is nothing like psychosis.  It's an insult to psychosis!

I really hope Effexor works.  I'm glad that you are taking it slowly to ease your mind.

[electracat]

Dear Wisp, i'm so sorry you have to deal with such anxiety--and sucky doctors on top of that! I hope you can find a new doc--they should be compassionate, not so insensitive. People just don't understand what anxiety is like.

I know you're scared of Effexor, and i totally understand. What i wrote on another post was this: What about going to a compounding pharmacy if/when you have to get off Effexor? I got off klonopin and Remeron by having it compounded, made into liquid, and decreasing by TINY doses every week. I couldn't get off them by just cutting the pills--the end was always too hard. But i had absolutely no problems getting off them when liquified. It's like my body/brain didn't even notice!

I've heard that Effexor can be really effective when others aren't...Maybe knowing you can compound stuff would make for better peace of mind..? Just a thought. I know how scary it is!!!

I hope you can get a nicer doc, though. HE doesn't deserve your business! I wish you some relief from your pain.

[electracat]

I forgot to say--i can't believe they're not allowing you to get a benzo Rx!! That's insane. I'd like to give THEM an SSRI without any help...

Can you somehow get a few benzo pills that you could chop up? If i lived near you i'd give you some of mine (i know, not legal, but hey)!

[Cercy]

I really hope that my thoughts on Effexor didn't make this worse for you. Because the truth is I was on it for years, and I came off of it. And I'm here, and I'm fine. You may want to try looking forward to the long run, and the end results are that you will get better no matter what as long as you keep trying, and being open to trying. When I came off Effexor I actually ended up going down to the lowest dose and then counting out the little balls of medicine inside the pill until I was taking just a tiny bit before I was completely done with it. And it worked. I didn't go insane, or have to stay on it. It was miserable withdrawal, yes. But now it's a distant memory. Focus on getting well now. You're going to get well.

[WiSp]

Thank you everyone. Yesterday evening I cut a zyprexa in 2 and spent half a hour with this beside of me, looking at it often. I was not able to do it. I fear psychotic symptoms or liver problems...I decided that to try it during the day would be better if something happen. My parents will be awake even if they don't really care (for them it's just a pill, like an aspirin). I'm supposed to try it now...I would like someone at my side if something happen. All the night I was in the washroom every hour and having a lot of pain to my neck, and sweating so much like if I was already on an antidepressant. The pain and sweating were new, but this all was obviously this horrible fear, to know that I still have to try this pill. I will surely not try effexor before to deal with zyprexa...If they are crazy enough to think that someone like me can swallow 2 scary things like that in the same time, they don't know what fear and anxiety are.

electracat I will remember about compounding. I still have some xanax and ativan, but xanax doesn't work anymore and ativan doesn't very well plus it gives me worse anxiety a day after. I need to try something like klonopin or valium. I started to cry again. I'm on the phone, on a help line put I'm in waiting for now.

(...time passed) They explained to me that there is much less chance to get dangerous effects than anything else, and stuff about zyprexa and effexor. She was kind and understanding my terror about this stuff. I still don't really know what to do but it sounds like if I should be ok...I know that if I do it I could say after that finally it was nothing and think it's stupid. But if we could control our minds perfectly, there would be no problem and it's not the case.

[WiSp]

I tried to reach my family doctor but the office is closed until monday. I wanted to ask a few benzos...The drugstore said they don't give any "trial pills" in the benzo family.

I guess I will try zyprexa again soon. Only people here like me can understand why this is so big and such a mess. Even if I was sleeping the last night, my body continued to panic with a lot of sweating and muscle pain. It's incredible how the body is already able to panic without us when it's something it learned to do with time. I will give you news for the next try...Thank you I love you all.

[Door]

I truly care about you.  Please keep posting.  I'm certain everyone here will encourage you.  We can help you get through your fear of meds.  I want this to work.  But if this combo doesn't, I don't want it to devastate you the way the Celexa debacle had.

2-3 weeks are all you need to figure out if something is going to work.  Sometimes, it's just a few days!  You'd feel a spark, a little relief, then 6 weeks into it, you feel pretty okay.  You were on Celexa too long and I think it damaged your morale and gave you reason to be more fearful of medication.

Can you donate 2-3 weeks for a possible anxiety-free existence?  Zyprexa will probably knock you out and you may just be able to sleep through the initial side effects of Effexor.  Bonus!

I hope you get a benzo for this time.  Xanax probably would work at the right dose.  Some people actually start at 2 mg because of their fast metabolisms.  The average dose seems to be 0.5 mg, but I know so many people who require 1 mg because of their metabolisms.  As callous as doctors seem to be, they understand this.  Don't be afraid to ask for a higher dose, especially since you do not plan taking it for more than a few weeks.

I'll be thinking about you!

[WiSp]

Thank you Door, I feel your compassion. Seriously I'm not worried about this to work or not. My concern is to go in a crazy anxiety through those meds. Celexa boosted my anxiety so fast and so much, and seroquel scarred me like hell. The feeling of this forced sleep was bad, and on the moment it was just scarring me. I was not so scarred to try celexa. I thought it would be like zoloft and paxil. But it was really not. However I would feel more safe to try something else in the same family.

You know my worst fear is to lose control of myself. Feelings, consciousness...My anxiety is so high that I even fear food, because eating also create some body feelings (I guess it's this, because I wonder this since a bunch of time now). That's why I lost weight, that's why I wake up at starting of noon, eating just some cereals, and dealing with the evening meal, but also because sleeping skip a part of the day, then it's less suffering. It's like if every body feeling push my anxiety. So imagine a med creating side effects, and now we talk about effexor which is not just a simple antidepressant at my eyes, and we talk also about another antipsychotic to induce forced feelings...Benzos made me a bit tired but never forced me to sleep or forced any bad feeling. They just kill anxiety, that's just what I want. Look. I ate a steak, it was a bit heavy. I'm not at ease with my belly and stomach sensations. And I must take something that will do a big mess with all this, + maybe some surprises. The worst is when I feel light headed and starting to panic about fainting.

The hardest would not be to swallow this but to stay relax after. To not care about what will happen. How I can do this when I'm worried even about food...My psychiatrist never planned to work with serotonin with effexor. This is why it was planned to go to double dose after a week. Now they given to me 2 weeks (the only kind thing they have done for me). Norepinephrine is reached only at 200mg. Dopamine at 300. It is a long run when you want (or should I say "you need") results fast. Something like cymbalta would have worked faster because any dosage concern norepinephrine but it doesn't touch to dopamine. But they don't care about the time. They don't have the pain, the pills to take, etc. I know that zyprexa could help me faster. But I don't want the knock out thing. I've never drunk enough to have memory loss etc because it scares me. So how I can react to something that will stun me the same way.

I think my old psychiatrist probably written that I'm not someone to abuse of benzos. But they first need to read the files. Anyway I know that the more I wait the more I go deeper in anxiety. I was supposed to try again zyprexa. The moment is supposed to be right now. I'm still stuck. If only anxiety would be liter a bit, I could maybe do it. I'm sure that if I do it I will go on a never-ending crazy panic.

[Warbirdwf]

Hi Wisp,

I think you're self inflecting a lot of your anxiety right now. All your thoughts are negative about meds. Think about the positive things the meds could do to help you feel better. You've stated my times that Xanax helped you at times. So, there you go! Meds are not all that scary. I took Seroquel to sleep when my anxiety was at it's absolute worst due to Xanax withdrawals. I started at only 25mgs and had zero start up side effects. It helped me sleep and it helped calm me down. As you know, I've discontinued taking it. Today is day five and the withdrawal symptoms are easing up! The other good news is I managed to not use any benzo's all week too!

My psychiatrist said that these anti-psychotic drugs do help many people who have really entrenched anxiety. So, my point is, I doubt you'll have any really serious issues with starting some. I really hope you try it and feel some relief! If I got to a real bad spot again and needed some relief, I'd take Seroquel again in a heart beat vs. suffering extreme anxiety.

Good luck my friend! I hope you get some well deserved relief!!

[WiSp]

Thank you warbird. I'm putting it for later, minute after minute. But can you say to me if seroquel has done something for your anxiety? I know it was for sleep, but what about anxiety? You said it helped to calm down, but it was working during the day? Because you sleep anyway after you take it. If yes, how much days it takes? Seroquel was "zombinizing" me even for the day after.

2h ago I was really thinking to try and my anxiety was so bad...I got a "what was that" dizziness (very strong) for a second and was sweating much. It was like a kind of panic attack. It's better now, and I think I must try when it's somehow better...to give me a chance. But if it's supposed to knock me out I happily wait again a bit, then if it happens I will simply use my bed...I'm burning, it's so hot in there. I thought about fever but I really doubt. I think it's both hot and my anxiety doesn't help.

Your comment about your psychiatrist was really good to read. Thank you for this. I think I learn some things...I doubted about a lot of symptoms to be always anxiety. But since I'm supposed to take those meds, my anxiety created some attacks and they are happening so fast that I must admit that now I see more what anxiety can do, and badly relate those symptoms to something else.

I will try again soon. I try to say to myself that it's just like seroquel, nothing else. But it's like if I can't be convinced.

[WiSp]

So it was planned again...At midnight. The more it was coming, the more my body was extremely tense, breathing shortened, extremities becoming a siberian cold, starting to have trouble with vision...then it was midnight. I took the half cut pill, starred at it for a few minutes. I tried to focus on "this is just half...people take this for sleep only...young people take it...this will be like seroquel but less aggressive...this will maybe kill your anxiety..." But it was hard to not think about after...how I will cope after. How to avoid a kind of panic impossible to calm because it's in you now and you can't do anything. I got the glass of water, (god I give you my soul...) I licked it a bit...no taste. Put it in my mouth...and swallowed it very fast with water...fast to not change my mind at the last second. Then...oh no...this is it...now I can't turn back. Focus on good thoughts...focus focus focus...do not let panic to come...this is the right thing for you...you don't have more choice anyway, it was necessary...

I brushed my teeth, removed my contact lens...I knew I got 20min before to know what will happen. Seroquel hit me after 20min to I thought zyprexa to do the same. I've not panicked really...now it's in me since 37min. I'm very tense, and feeling a little headache. It may be zyprexa. I don't know. I feel tired a bit but it was the case before so...I need to wait more...when a hour will have passed, I should have an idea about how it will be on it...I don't know if it's courage or despair or both. I know it could not help me, because it's even not the minimum and it's not a therapeutic dose for anxiety. I will need the full pill. But I will never start something at full...what will happen, I will have to think that it will be double when I will take it entirely. I was really thinking that I should be at hospital and watched to be able to take this...now that I swallowed half of it, maybe I will not need this anymore...It's not over. I'm not reassured. I just don't want to go on a crazy panic. I will play a game for the time remaining...I will give news later.

[Door]

I'm so proud of you!  Yay!  It is very brave of you to take that leap of faith. 

I too get that "point of no return" feeling after I first take a new med.  I say, "Here goes nothing.  I'm in your hands, God.  Take care of me."

[Bama21]

WiSp...

Do you not have somebody there that can be with you through the process of taking the med?   IMO, you need somebody there with you to lighten the mood!  To add some support or maybe even some humor to the situation! 

Give us another update, soon.

[WiSp]

There was no problem really, I slept, but now I'm feeling very bad. Disoriented, cold, very very high anxiety and dizzy. I don't know if it's zyprexa or me. My head feels weird. I hate meds...I'm maybe just dehydrated but I feel like it will be another day in hell. I'm supposed to take the full pill tonight. Yes I would need someone to follow me in this. I don't see who for now. I'm staying away from effexor for now...zyprexa is enough to test alone. I'm feeling like if this story will end me at hospital. It's like if I freak out now, instead of yesterday when I took zyprexa.

[WiSp]

I've read some comments on zyprexa exclusively for GAD. People with serious and severe anxiety (i.e.: can't even get out of bed). A lot of positive comments...a lot say that this drug was a miracle. And they say "within a few days". Both to know that people like me exist, and to know that this drug help much, is a good thing to hear. I just hope to hang on until I can myself benefit of this...I thought I had a weakness in muscles but I think it's more because I'm so tense all the time that my muscles feel weak. In any case if I want this to work I will need to take the full pill and for some days. Wow this is without a doubt the most hard part of my life. I've never tried any meds in a so bad state. If one day I'm out of this, and anxiety seems to be back, I will really act fast this time.

Is my anxiety worse since I took zyprexa? I don't really know. With celexa is was CLEAR. Now it can be just me thinking it's a bit worse. I usually feel pretty bad at this hour of the day. I sleep for 10h so I'm also dehydrated and it can't help with dizziness. I'm finishing the second glass of water. I will take a third. I'm sorry for all the posts, maybe it would be more appropriate to continue on my blog? I don't want to monopolize by always being the top post.

[Door]

Dizziness can come from dehydration.  Keep drinking that water, lots of it.

Remember, take it day by day.  You made it through yesterday, and you are making it through today.

[Bama21]

I've read some comments on zyprexa exclusively for GAD. People with serious and severe anxiety (i.e.: can't even get out of bed). A lot of positive comments...a lot say that this drug was a miracle. And they say "within a few days". Both to know that people like me exist, and to know that this drug help much, is a good thing to hear. I just hope to hang on until I can myself benefit of this...I thought I had a weakness in muscles but I think it's more because I'm so tense all the time that my muscles feel weak. In any case if I want this to work I will need to take the full pill and for some days. Wow this is without a doubt the most hard part of my life. I've never tried any meds in a so bad state. If one day I'm out of this, and anxiety seems to be back, I will really act fast this time.

Is my anxiety worse since I took zyprexa? I don't really know. With celexa is was CLEAR. Now it can be just me thinking it's a bit worse. I usually feel pretty bad at this hour of the day. I sleep for 10h so I'm also dehydrated and it can't help with dizziness. I'm finishing the second glass of water. I will take a third. I'm sorry for all the posts, maybe it would be more appropriate to continue on my blog? I don't want to monopolize by always being the top post.

Don't worry about the thread always being at the top.  That's no big deal.  It's not hard to go to the next thread LOL.  If it helps to get all this stuff out of your head and into this thread, by all means...go for it.  I've said many times on this board that writing your thoughts is very therapeutic. 

Keep us updated as often as you want!

[WiSp]

Thank you Door and Bama. This meal was really hard. I hate to eat in this condition. I thought about zyprexa. If it can really work, it could help me to finally take effexor. It could be the pseudo-benzo I don't have...I'm supposed to take it fully tonight. I still try to be careful with my positions, to avoid pain everywhere and I continue to kill the time with video games with sometimes some intrusive thoughts that boost anxiety very fast, or sometimes feeling a pain or something physically, giving also an anxiety rush. Seriously I can't imagine myself in hopistal, with the only thing to do all day is to think and freak out. I could even not watch tv, I "can't" do this anymore. Anxiety gets too big on this. They would probably put me in force induced sleep. Yes, more drugs! I love them so much! And there would be too much people. I need to be alone most as possible or this provoke also an anxiety rush.

[WiSp]

More the time pass, more I feel confused. Maybe because zyprexa is going out because it will be 24h from the last take soon? Anxiety is pretty horrible tonight. I go out of my room less as possible. My back hurt like if I was 96 year old. Sometimes, my vision is weird. It's just a feeling, stuff moving too fast for my eyes. It gives an anxiety rush automatically. I've a lot of thoughts like "I can't stand people now, soon I will not be able to still be with them and I will be lost forever." Or "If it continues I will have to be hospitalized and they will break me up with drugs and do horrible stuff etc (I've a phobia about hospitals and medical interventions since I got traumatized by a doctor when I was a child)". "Those meds will make things worse and provoke stuff (like I've just written)". "It's scary to eat, and one day I will not be able to eat anymore and horrible stuff will happen." Sometimes I imagine things when a body feeling appear. All those things pop up in my mind all the day. When someone say "they (meds, doctors or whatever) will not kill you", yes, that's the problem. It will not kill me. I will suffer and be alive. I don't have the choice to go through all this. They don't know their luck. They just live. They (normal people) don't have to care about anything.

I forgot to say, the first psychiatrist told me to take zyprexa before to sleep. The second, same thing but also when I wake up. I guess I will start by living with the full pill one time...maybe 2 times it's to be covered all the day?

[sbthurst]

Wisp, has anyone ever shown you where the "calm" pressure point is on your hand?  I found out about it yesterday and I could not believe how much better it made me feel.  Make a light fist with your left hand.  The place where your middle finger touches your palm is where the point is.  press it with the thumb of your right hand close your eyes and breathe deeply for 1 minute.  you will be amazed.  I did it, and I was calm for about an hour, then I did it again and I was calm again.  Then I thought,  "hey, that's two hours of calm!"  Try the calm spot, it can't hurt.
We're here for you. 

[WiSp]

Thanks sbthurst, I will try this.

I'm on the full pill now. It seems that there is no real initial effect but they appear as the time is passing. Yesterday before midnight my heart was beating a lot and I was physically tired, everything was hard to do. Before to sleep, my eyelids were shaking when fully closed. I thought I could not sleep, but after 20min the shaking slowed and I slept. It was a wonderful sleep. Unfortunately you must eventually wake up. It's crazy, in my dreams I'm with a lot of people and noise and I even don't think to anxiety. In reality I can't stand anything. Right now my heart beats fast and strongly. Not something dangerous I'm pretty sure. I'm dizzy and without energy, but anxiety seems less powerful than yesterday, for now. This is my first day on the full pill. I know that I'm late for effexor but I do what I can, I wanted to feel fine on one before to take 2 different things. I guess I will be at ease with zyprexa soon and I will be ok to start effexor. If I become very sick on it, at least I will know that it's not zyprexa and it will be able to continue to help (if it helps). I don't understand why doctors don't proceed this way. It's much less trouble. Thanks for your support everyone.

[Warbirdwf]

Good for you Wisp! I'm glad you're seeing some benefits already in taking the pill. I like your strategy. Get use to one pill, then try the other. Relax, and have positive thoughts that you will be feeling better soon!

[WiSp]

I was better yesterday during the afternoon. It was an exception but it changed progressively after 6pm. Anxiety was back full strength. It's my second day on zyprexa...It's so stupid to have to be so sick to take something that make you more sick. In fact I even don't know what things are from zyprexa and what is from me. Anxiety is very bad. It was maybe a coincidence to feel better yesterday. Something is wrong with my vision (it was, but it's maybe worse it's hard to evaluate). I feel like if I have a dictionary on my head (no real headache, it's like if my head is very heavy). I'm dizzy and got some nausea waves. I feel weak. Things seem unreal. I thought I would get some peace today like it was yesterday, but no. I'm always asking myself, "will I be still sane until zyprexa can help?" and of course wondering if zyprexa will do something...

Warbird, how much time you had to wait on seroquel to get something good? I could also ask you how many days to get rid of the side effects but you don't had any. Sincerely, what I have could also just be me. There are no easy visible changes except for breathing (it's always deep), heart rate, eyelid spasms and the deeper sleep.