Can't keep going. Dead inside. No emotions.

[TallyBoy]

Hello.

I know I am new here, but I just can't take it anymore. My whole life is 0103. I keep getting up only to be knocked down again.
A friend of mine keeps telling me to "try" but it seems so futile. I have no dad, only a sperm-doner of a father who I haven't seen since I was three. In my four years of high-school 4 people I cared about have died. My Friend, my 8th-grade teacher (who was a good friend), my surrogate grandmother, and now my psychologist (which was three days ago. And COMPLETELY unexpected). I live with my Ma and she clearly has some issues of her own drinking, her own fight with depression; she can get really crazy. And her boyfriend, who is also an alcoholic and can be one mean son-of-bitch, we only stay with him out of necessity.

I'm told I'm smart, semi-attractive and funny and all that B.S. but I can't really see it. My grades are mediocre and I'm poor. I smoke cigarettes and cannabis, but I rarely drink. There is more to it, but this is just the gist of it. 

I can't feel anything anymore. I don't have a full spectrum of emotions. I only have depressed, indifferent, and interested. People seem to lean on me and take my advice when it comes to "life-issues" but it seems no one can really help me. The only person who came close is dead as of three days ago. I have only cried twice since my friend died freshman year. I used to think of feeling nothing as a strength but now all I am is empty. The world to me is gray and ugly and nobody cares. Nothing matters. I have never had a girl-friend and I am a virgin at 18 years old. Most of the real-friends I have are the ones that I have known since grade school, and I know at least one of them is going there own way. The ones that I have met relatively recently are all in the same boat as me, whether they know it or not. I'm scared I'm going to end up a failure.

Life keeps knocking me down and can't seem to keep getting up. And whats fucked up is I KNOW there are A LOT of people that have it worse than me, and I KNOW that I am the only one who can change it. But I'm not sure if I can keep going anymore. I feel lost and alone, more so now that my psychologist is dead. I don't know what to do.

I don't know the  point of this letter either. I just wrote it.

I hate to sound like a 0106, but I just need some love.

-TB 

[Keith007]

So sorry to hear about your situation sounds like a tough one to be in.I dont know how much advice i can give but i just wanted to you to know my sympathies go out to you. When your ready you should definitely find a new therapist. Hope things turn up for you soon.

[Homatek]

Do you have any hobbies? Things that make you happy?
That's the one thing that keeps me going most days.
Actually, my hobbies and my pets. I can't really rely on too many people
and I tend to shut down and isolate myself when I am in a dark time. (which is now actually)

I know its hard. It is hard for me to do daily tasks. I feel like I am slipping further into
the dark hole and don't know if I can come back.

Please know that we are all here for you. There are people going through what you
are going through. Try to find something that makes you happy and get some help.

[bbax25]

You sound really lonely.
It can be at that age.
Whenever you feel you can't take another moment get outside and go for a walk.
Do it!! Even if every thing in you is telling you no.
Then breath, take deep breaths and free your mind.
You never know what tomorrow may bring.... you might meet the girl of your dreams.
My advice would be to go out and find a girl you are attracted to and ask her out on a date.
There are alot of things you can do even if you dont have alot of money.
Girls want a guy that will show them a good time and make them
feel good about themselves. And you do not need to be rich to do that.
Keep your head.
 

[cutebutpsycho]

Hi, TB--
It seems that you're having a hard time. I'm sorry for that. I don't know how you're feeling, but I have lost someone very close to me as well. It's been nine years and I still miss her so much. I used to think of myself as "dead inside," but I began to realize that I do feel things, I just don't express them outwardly. I didn't cry at my grandmother's (my best friend in the whole world) funeral. Not because I didn't feel sad, though. I was despondent, I was in agony. I was 11. There just weren't any words I could say to express the pain I was feeling. Crying wasn't going to help, she was still dead. People have told me that they were worried when I didn't cry. I've kept all the pain inside for a very long time.
I started therapy at age eight, because I wasn't sleeping at all. The therapist freaked me out, so I stopped after a time or two. Then, when I was 14, I told my parents I knew there was something wrong with me. I had Social Anxiety Disorder, but I didn't know what it was at that point. About a year later, they finally got me some help. I was diagnosed with depression and Social Anxiety. At some point (I can't remember when), things started to get really bad. I dropped out of school halfway through 10th grade, and I was miserable. So my parents sent me to a psychiatrist (they can prescribe medication), and since that time, I've been on a bunch of different things. He diagnosed me with SAD, depression, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, OCD, and agoraphobia. I also have a new therapist, and I make a little bit of progress every once in a while. You know, when I'm not taking giant steps backward. . . .
I still have horrible days, days that I just don't want to get out of bed. Sometimes I just sit in my room with the door closed, crying quietly for my grandma, my mom (who had cancer as well, but survived), my sister (who ran away), and the fact that it seems like nothing is getting better. Sometimes I actually have chest pain when I think of these things because the pain and the anger are so intense that I have a physical reaction to my emotions.
I'm trying to say that emotions are horrible. They show up when you don't want them, and when you just want to feel--to make sure you're alive and have a soul--nothing comes out. I used to force myself to cry (which is really hard) so that I could be sure that I could still feel pain. It was like my soul was dead. I still am very quiet about my feelings, but I know that they are there. They're just hidden very deep inside me.
Please keep going, TB--people like us, we're very special. We're more sensitive than we know. Most of us have beautiful souls, and with help from the right people, we can become great. We're artists, poets, writers, builders, doctors, and great listeners. What we want more than anything is peace, and we always have war inside our minds. Don't give up, because it's possible that when you do finally find your emotions, you'll be blown away by how much you do actually feel. Just because you don't cry, or you don't think you're feeling what you should be feeling--I can tell that you are very sad. That's an emotion, despite the fact that it's not a nice one.
Another point that I wanted to make--you can stop reading if you want to now, I hope this doesn't offend you. Being a virgin is no big deal. You don't necessarily want to have sex with some random person and have them rip your heart out. Losing virginity shouldn't be the goal, finding someone you care about should be. Also, if you smoke (nicotine and cannabis) because it's just what you do, then I think that's probably okay. But if you have a habit for either, or if you smoke to "escape," you might want to rethink that. It's hard to have the full spectrum of emotions if you're always trying to escape.
Of course, I don't know they whys of your situation. I'm sorry about your dad and your mom's boyfriend. Losing all the people you did in such a short span of time is really tough. I hope I made you feel a little better and not worse. I wish you good luck, and I'll be thinking about you. Not in a creepy way. Like I said, I have Social Anxiety, so I'm not 100% on what will offend people. Yet--I'm trying to be more friendly, so I'm trying to find the line between friendly and creepy. Forgive my social ineptness!

Hang on to hope, especially if it's all you have.

cutebutpsycho