Why do you fear the disease you fear?

[Jenfr8801]

I've been thinking the past couple days about the reason the people on this board fear the diseases they do.  I fear HIV/AIDS.  That's my disease of choice.  There have been others in the past, but nothing as debilitating as this.  I have recently decided to seek the help of a therapist, but I've been analyzing the reason I fear this disease.  I think I fear it because I feel guilty of my past.  I've had way more sexual partners than my husband.  I wasn't always faithful in past relationships.  I've been faithful to my husband of course, but my past gets to me sometimes.  I feel like Karma is going to get me.  I remember an old boyfriend saying that he hopes I die of AIDS after finding out that I cheated on him.  That has haunted me for over ten years.  I think my guilt has manifested as an HIV/AIDS fear.

Does anyone else know why they fear certain diseases?

[emma09]

im scared of karma 2! i do belive in wat goes around comes around! think sumone up there is havin a big laf at my expense! anyway i fear my heart cos of the complicated birth of my daughter!

[elvisgump]

my mother had cancer three times so that has me convinced that it's only a matter of time before i get it too.  she then died of a rare neurological disease so that haunts me as well i suppose.  though none of this really bothered me much until i had a son.  that's when the fear of my own mortality really kicked in. 

i have been seeing a counselling for about 6 weeks and it has had a profound impact on my life (along with the zoloft i've been taking).

[AOKAY]

I fear bowel, stomach, and other abdominal cancers based upon my health history as a youth with Crohns Disease (Inflammatory Bowel Disease).  In those days, back in the late 60's, they had not yet invented the colonoscope or endoscope, so the only way to diagnose and follow-up treatment of intestinal/stomach disorders was through X-ray.  Needless to say, I was exposed to plenty of X-rays from repeated upper GI and lower GI procedures throughout my mid to late teens.  I'm very grateful that nothing has shown-up thus far in the way of cancer.

In a way, the diseases we fear most may be the ones least likely to kill us, as those are the ones that we complain about to the doctor and for which we are tested frequently.  In my case, due to my chronic Crohns I have colonoscopies every 2 years, and the likelihood is that any cancer of the large bowel will be discovered and treated at an early stage.  It's probably the thing that comes out of left field that will kill us.

[JunoX]

Ive thought long and hard about why I fear the things I fear and I think mines stems from my childhood. My father always expected me to be okay, all of the time, so he can be okay. He was very anxious about anything happening to me. Its like a put the weight of the world on my shoulders because he expected me to control everything so he can keep himself together and not fall apart. He made me responsible for him. I dont know why.

I still remember when I would come back from my yearly eye exam, since Im very myopic since childhood, and if everything was well, he would take me to out to celebrate but if something went wrong, like my prescription increased, he would ask me why this was happening, like I was causing it somehow. Its like he made me feel guilty for being sick or having something I couldnt control. It would be the same thing if I cut myself or if I got the flu. Now as an adult I never tell him anything because of the fear I have of his reaction. If he just hears me with a cold, he will call me non stop many times a day to ask how I am.

The thing I fear most about cancer is having to loose all of my hair and him them knowing I have it and blaming me somehow. Thats the fear that goes through my mind everytime I think the doctor will tell me I have cancer, I immediately think "Oh no! Ill need a wig and my father will know!" I feel like I cant even die in peace because Ill have failed him somehow.

I know this sounds horrible but sometimes Ive secretly fantasized that hes already passed away so I can finally be free and be sick if I have to and die if I need to without fear.

[wowthisismetoaT]

Wow 0115.    I am so sorry!

My fear is cancer.  My grandfather died when I was 11 after suffering for 9 months with pancretitis and staph infection.  He was like a dad to me because my dad...well...he sucks.  Pappy was just the world to me and watching him die so slowly and painfully scarred me for life.  My biggest fear growing up was that I would lose him...and I did.  So many things came crashing down for me at that moment in my life.

My oldest son is now almost 11.  I think about what Pappy went through and what I went through watching him suffer so and then die when I was the same age as my son is now.  It KILLS me to think of my kids having to watch me struggle with something like cancer and then die.  I don't want them to experience loss like that at such young ages.  We all expect to lose our parents someday...but those of us who are lucky don't lose them until we are well into adulthood.  Don't get me wrong, I am still not "ready" to lose my mom...but I do have a husband and children.  I do know that, if I live long enough, one day she will pass. 

I don't know...that is probably just the tip of the iceburg where my issues are concerned.

[JunoX]

Thank you wowthisisme. Im sorry for your pain as well. I can only imagine how worried you must get because of your children. I think thats why I never had children because I would tend to think of horrible thoughts all of the time, like me dying and leaving them alone. I know I think that sometimes with my husband and even my cat for Petes sake, so imagine how I would be with children.

[diana66]

0115 and Wow - very deep thoughts and it sounds like you have a lot of insight into your feelings.

I don't know if this caused it but I can relate to 0115's comments about her dad - my dad said all the time - "If you have your health, you have everything".  (we didn't have much money growing up).  I have since thought, was the corollary, "if you don't have your health, you have nothing?"  He got me thinking about all the awful things that happen to others, by often telling me to be thankful for what I did have.

Also, my mom kept a medical dictionary type thing around, where we would look up our symptoms - cough?  Hmm...could be lung cancer...etc.  Plus I came from an old Italian family that constantly shared horror stories of bad things that happened to others..

[loveautumn021]

I fear several things and this is them and the reason why:
Brain Anurysm: I get strange pains in my head and feel really lightheaded and dizzy and I just think it has to be something with my brain.
Heart Issues: My dad had heart problems and I have feelings in my chest and I worry.
Blood Clot:Sometimes I will get random pains in my body and just think that is what it is.

So therefore I have been tested for all these things and come to find out I don't have any of them! Anxiety just have a nasty way of messing with our minds!

[Jenfr8801]

Thank you everyone for sharing your experiences!  You've brought me to tears.  I am looking forward to starting my therapy.....I've got a lot of crud building up inside.  This site has helped tremendously, and its nice to know I'm not alone.  Nobody in my real life understands my fears.  They all want to lock me up in a padded cell....and well, I can't blame them on some days