The walls I build around me to keep sadness out also keeps out the joy.

[Lost]

 

Today I just feel this great need to vent and share a little bit of my story about the key point's where it effected me! So here goes....

It all started when I was a child, my mother and father separated when I was 8 years old. When I was 12 I began having nightmare's and flash back's about thing's I had remembered as a younger child. I did not know how to make since of what I was feeling. Then I began to take it out on myself, I became anorexic as I wanted to be as ugly as possible. I also began to be a cutter and was very suicidal.
I remembered being raped as a child by my father. I remember every little detail. I did tell my mother what I had happened to me and she did not believe me. That sent me into a downword's spiral. I became angry, sad and every emotion that a person could feel.
Moving on.... my mom was never in the best relationship's, I remember her hiding under my bed scared that her boyfriend is in an angry drunken mood and will beat her. I also remember vividly hiding in the closet and peeing my pants because I can hear them fighting, and scared for her safety. That night I seen him jump out the second story window, I cleaned up all the blood with towels. The police came and took him to jail, he was let out that same night. He came back and it started all over again.
My mother finally left him a couple of year's later. She still continued to be in bad relationship's.

Skipping on...
When I was 15 I met my husband. He was great to me, gentle, kind and everything I could ask for. He knew the problem's I was having at home. At this point my mother was becoming an alcoholic, dating my older sister's friend's, and just not being a mother to us.
I was scared I my loose the love of my life and I wanted to just get out of the house so I wanted to get pregnant.
I became pregnant at 17. 3 month's in to my pregnancy my world was shattering. The love of my life was getting deported as he was just a refugee and the lawyer they hired to stay in the country was fake and took them for all their money.
So he was not there to see his son being born . I went through hell during that pregnancy. My boyfriend came back when our son was 11 month's old. He missed out on so much with his son.

Skipping on...Sorry about the jumping back and forth...

When I was 18 I was still living with my mother with my son. One night we had a family gathering and so I slept in the basement and one of my relatives also slept in the basement. Well that night I was sexually assaulted by my uncle. I kept waking up to his hand on my breast. I went upstairs to my sister and told her, she told me to go and tell my mother ands so I did. My uncle was sitting in the kitchen at this point. He told my mother that he did not such thing and if he did then it was when he was sleeping and dreaming  and that he did not mean to do it. So once again my mother did not believe me.

Skipping on......Just last year me and my mother went out together. That night I was sexually assaulted once again. I immediately told my mother what had just happened and she wanted to confront the man. I told her no I just wanted to go. I was crying hysterically. We left. This is the wort part for me. She is now dating this guy and want's;s to marry him. She did confront him and he said that he is sorry that he was just on coke that night.I can't believe this.

All this has affected me greatly, I have so much anxiety,depression. I have trouble trusting any man except my husband.

I am happy to say that I am no long anorexic or a cutter. I have 2 wonderful boy's and married my childhood sweetheart.
But I know I am not deserving of them,as I am not the best person I know I can be.I don't know what else to say except that I feel so lost.

Sorry that this was such a long post, hope to hear for yous!

[Lost]

Sorry again, though I should post about my anxiety...

I don't really leave my house, as I get very anxious and get panic attacks. I don't work, to scared to do that.
I don't have any friend's except 1 good one. I'm even scared to order food on the phone. Can't stand social setting as I am afraid I will make a fool out of myself.
I get very nervous when my kid's are outside, I get vision's of them getting kidnapped, killed or sexually assaulted.
I am terrified of being in a car and think I will get in an accident and die.
I feel safe at home this is my comfort zone.
I get scared my husband will leave me, I often wonder if I leave him it would be better as I feel I am not worthy of his love anyway's.
I'm always edgy, emotional very emotional, I'm always hard on my self.
I also have OCD, I have to count everything etc.

Life is so hard, I feel so helpless and not worthy of anything! Do yous get these feeling's and is it normal to feel this way?

[tigerpaw]

Hey, I read your entire post and you apparently have many sad,  ...life experiences.  I wouldn't even begin to understand the pain, but it's obvious from your list that you have exhibit many anxiety symptoms, social anxiety, agoraphobia, and so do many here.  I really would suggest a therapist, so you can work out the past traumas, and except yourself for what a good person you are today.


Peace!        I pray you find peace.

[Door]

I am so sorry that you endured all those horrible experiences.  I admire your strength.  Many on this forum share the same symptoms (panic, anxiety, phobias, PSTD, depression, etc.), yet come from different backrounds.  Although I have no idea how it feels to walk in your shoes, I know how it feels to have anxiety symptoms.  I can relate to the panic, phobias, and other stuff you work through.  I do hope that one day you will be at peace with your past.  I am not equipped to say anymore than that.

As tigerpaw suggested, a therapist may be helpful for you.  You could also go to support groups through women's organizations and religious organizations, if you are religious.  I hope you find something to help you.

[el_chan]

I'm really sorry that you've gone through so much pain in your life  I have no idea what it would be like to be sexually abused but I DO know exactly what anxiety is all about and how much it can control your life. I've had it since i saw 4 years old. i suggest the same as tigerpaw and door did, with the therapist. but the thing that helps me the most is getting involved in my religion and praying for the strength day by day to get through my anxiety issues. And also for the wisdom to know what direction i should take in order to help myself. Its not just about praying and hoping God will take it all into his hands. You need to work with him and try to help yourself too (not that i'm suggesting you arn't!). I know this isnt much help if your not religious. But i know it helps me. And i can definetly say that God has givin me direction. I was in a totally hopeless frame of mind a year ago too. wouldnt even leave to house because i was so controled by my stupid anxiety. and i'm only 19! but i kept praying no matter how bad i felt and no matter how much i felt like God wasnt hearing me, and eventually things started to happen that i KNOW couldnt have happend without his guidence.   

Anyway, i think its really important, like, VITAL, to know people who are going to help you and are understanding. even if it's just one person, they can make all the difference. You mentioned that you have a friend you're close too. Ask her for her help. I know you might feel like your being selfish because your "loading" your problems on her, trust me, ive felt the same way, but the fact is you cant do it on your own. you NEED someone to support you.

I could write 100 pages about what i feel has helped me, but im not exactly the right person to be giving out indepth advice   But sometimes its just good to know that others have felt the same things you felt and understand what you're going through to an extent :)

I hope things get better for you soon.