Romancing the Stone...

[Thorne]

or somethin'!
...aka Mental masturbation.

Why do I do this?  Romance my depression.  I think.  I mean, is that what this is, or is it depression itself??  I don’t think I’ll ever really understand.  Here I am, all is well, and then I start feeling this separateness; this sort of lonely feeling.  Or all of a sudden I feel sad.  Or something makes me sad.  But then I take off!  I run with it.  Then everything makes me sad, reminds me of losses, fills me with grief and longing and emptyness.
   I mean, I think of depression as that totally out of control feeling I used to get; when I couldn’t even get out of bed.  Or if I did, it was by force of Will.   I made myself get out of bed, take a shower, go on about life’s business.   Or like after my Jerry died.  Not right after; that was grieving - but about a year after when I started falling apart.  The grief seemed to get worse instead of better an I couldn’t process it anymore. Having super intense and long panic attacks, and I couldn’t stop .  I remember how it was to burst into tears at a client’s home while trying to sell them $5 to $20 K of custom stained glass.  And then when it finally came to a head in May of ‘99.  When I literally couldn’t stop for 2 whole days.  I didn’t even sleep.  I kept thinking “ I wanna die.  Just let me die.  Please Goddess, take me”.  Then I caught myself skidding around a 45 mph turn at 90 mph, almost out of control, bawling my eyes out, a diesel truck coming toward me in the other lane and thinking how easy it would be to just let go of the wheel.
Now that was depression!!!  Well, maybe not.  Maybe that was PTSD; at least, that’s what the shrink said after I called the 0119 hotline.  PTSD and depression. 
Then when my FMS went undiagnosed for 2 years and my pain and fatigue just grew and worsened and worsened, and I was still taking my Zoloft, but if felt like depression, only physically it hurt alot more than I was accustomed to (ha-ha!!  This was before the “depression hurts” commercials!!   Then I was dignosed, but there wasn’t much help for it and my pain just grew and grew until I wondered how long I could live like that, and worse, why would I want to??
Anyway, the long winded point is... that is what depression is to me.  Not this sort of come and go longing-sadness-listless feeling.  Then I wonder if it’s romantic to me, somehow??  To be o-so-melancholy.  And the fucked up thing is that I’ve known people like that!!  People who almost seemed comforted my their sadness.  And it drove me crazy then, with them.  The same questions.  It it live or is it memorex??  Did they like being sad??  Were they really sad or romancing their very attractive melancholy??  Of course, I couldn’t answer that question about other people to my satisfaction.  Since I don’t live in their hearts/minds who am I to judge their pain??
But now, it seems I can’t answer this question for myself, either!    I am SO happy in my life and with my Tammy.  I adore her.  She is truly my perfect partner.  So why do I find myself missing E.?  Looking for any sign of her on the internet.  Is it just the chaos, I miss?  Truth be told, I don’t really want the chaos back in my life.  I don’t want her neediness and jealousy; her cutting and anorexia.  The pain and drama.  But do I miss her and her “others”?  Yes.
The funny thing is, it seems when I’m in this mood any old loss/grief will do.  I obsess with Jerry.  And with Bree.  Sometimes I think I focus on E., because no matter how much I grieve over Jerry he is so dead.  Dead.  Gone.  And with Bree, she hurt me so badly with deceit and head-games and poison, that even though I miss her from time to time, I definitely know I don’t want her BS back in my life.  I guess somehow it feels just real enough, but just impossible enough to be safe to romanticize missing E.
I don’t really know.  If this is depression or even if it’s not and It’s hormonal, or just my inner drama; I suppose these longing feelings are better than picking something real to be sad about.  *Ha-ha*!!  Like the fact that I don’t have a f***ing car *LMAO*  (Now I'm wondering if I could write a whole post using smileys

Well, enough of this foolishness.  At least I feel better now for the writing of it.  I no longer feel like wallowing in melancholy!!!  (We’ll see if it holds up when I go back to drawing in the living room)        duh.)

[gloomy]

That really was from the heart and I can relate to a lot of it.  Sometimes I wonder how much I nurse my depression and anxiety because its a zone I am familiar with.  Its almost like I am happier living in a crisis.  But then I hate the depression and anxiety with a vengence.  I also beleive that I wouldnt be the person I am today without them.  They have made me strong in some ways and weak and jealous in some other ways.  I will never stop looking for the answers.

[NightOwl]

Yeah, I sometimes wonder why I am "not" depressed when I am happy, then it gets me depressed.  Plus sometimes I listen to depressing music, which I try to avoid now.  Because trust me, depressing music and tv shows do indeed contribute to you staying depressed in many cases.

I also find myself thinking about or wanting back or "somewhat" wanting back girls I should not want back because they hurt me purposely many times.

Life is confusing.  I wish everyone could feel good more often.  I want to feel stable and it be a decent mood or better.