New here, and really could use some help/advice!

[kiwi]

Hello everyone,

I'm Kiwi and I'm 41 years old. I'm writing today because I'm exhausted with anxiety and hypochondria and a whole bunch of what I THINK are irrational beliefs about my health. I hope you'll bear with me, because I first want to explain my "issues" and then I have some questions/thoughts that I hope someone will respond to.

I have a complicated medical history which makes the anxiety/panic issue complicated as well. I've had multiple surgeries (spinal fusion in neck, Nissen fundoplication wrap for chronic acid reflux, gallbladder removed, ureter re-implant) that have caused their own long-term side effects. To make matters worse, when attempting to diagnose the slipped disc in my neck, I was first diagnosed with MS. That didn't really pan out, especially when they discovered the severity of disc slippage (it was pressing on my spinal cord). They took a MRI of the brain, however, and found "suspisious" dots, which several neurologists confessed they really didn't know what to make of and could not come to any conclusions. Anyway. The stomach surgery for GERD worked great for two years, and then relux symptoms returned. They went away again for awhile, and came back.

My symptoms now are a complex jumble of anxiety, panic and POSSIBLY medical issues, but so far, no doctor has any idea (and I've seen a lot of them, taxing the patience of the ER docs and confounding specialists). I have an endoscopy scheduled to make sure my surgery is still functioning, but a barium swallow a year ago confirmed that it was fine. OK, so here is what I am dealing with now.

Sometimes I can't catch my breath, or it feels like I'm breathing in a very shallow manner. Sometimes this will wake me up with a panic attack. Sometimes my throat feels like it's constricting. The pain and muscle tension will radiate up my jaws, down my neck, through to my back, even in my diaphragm, which will harden like rock. Recently, I've developed what feels like throat spasms, just like someone is strangling me at the base of my neck. When this happens, I can't swallow anything. I've lost seven pounds in a month or so. I don't have the weight to lose, and I look ghastly. This morning swallowing was terribly painful. Of course, when I feel that my throat is tight, I panic. That makes it much worse. Then I think I'll stop breathing. Then I FEEL like I can't breath. Then, off to the ER with vague symptoms that no one can figure out. They send me home. I cry like a baby because I don't know what is happening to me, and my whole family is suffering with my anxiety and depression.

What keeps me in this cycle is the constant search for a diagnosis. I 'google' my symptoms and terrible diseases show up, from MS and ALS to tumors, cancers, and other neurological horrors. Even with relatively benign diagnoses like "esophageal spasm" or "laryngal spasm" there appears to be very little to do. When I brought up the spasm idea to my GI doc, he said those are issues completely resistant to treatment. And so I keep looking, keep worrying, and my throat feels tight and narrow and I can't eat. I take 80 mg. of Protonix for acid, but I wonder why in the hell am I still taking incredibly strong acid blockers when I had surgery for this issue. . .

But here's the real crux of it all: I am a lonely, terrified person whose symptoms have become her constant companion. I am also terrified of taking medication. THree doctors have insisted I take Lexapro and Xanax for my anxiety, and I am too afraid to start them. I hear some of you talk about how Lexapro made your anxiety worse, and I don't see how mine could get worse. If it did, I would have to commit myself. I have to help myself, or I dont' know how I'll be happy again. It feels like this will just go on forever and ever, that I'm stuck with frightening symptoms with no known cause.

Please, any thoughts on all of this would be so appreciated.

Kiwi

[abinormal]

Kiwi,

First and foremost, I am so sorry for all that you have dealt with in your life.  I know that I would not be nearly as strong as you have been.

One thing I have learned through having anxiety is that whether you are truly sick or not, you can also have anxiety and depression separately...and having these things help nothing.

I really think a lot of what you are feeling now is anxiety and depression, just based on your symptoms. 

I am currently taking xanax and I don't love it, but I think it will help calm you and might be good to take when you begin the lexapro.  I have heard great things about lexapro,  but like all medicines, it takes a bit of time to kick in.

I am not one to push meds.  I think you need to do what feels right for you, but because you have had so many medical scares in your life, you need to get your anxiety and depression under control.  Otherwise, you are not going to be able to tell what is real and what isn't, which for you could be a lot more frustrating than for others.

I am so glad you found the boards and I really don't think your current symptoms sound life threatening but you've been through so much in your life that you need to feel good now so you can enjoy your time!

I wish you luck and support!

-Abbie

[basm101]

hello kiwi,

I think it's no wonder your anxiety is bad when you have had previous medical issues.

The only thing i can comment on is that GAD/panic attacks sometimes make me feel breathless and like my throat is constricting. I also have problems with my digestion and gagging when I eat.

I think the feeling of not being able to breathe properly may actually caused by hyperventilation. When I am panicking and try to take deep breaths, it actually sometimes makes me feel worse. The thing to do is make sure you are breathing from your stomach and not from your upper chest.

Perhaps you could give the lexapro a try - the worst thing to do is nothing, just hoping it will go away. If you can take proactive steps to help yourself feel more in control it can only be good for you.

Also try aloe vera juice if you are not already doing so -  it can help heal your throat from GERD - I take it for IBS and it gives me some relief.

We are all here on the boards and in the chat room if you need support !

[kiwi]

Dear Abbie and BASM101,

I can't tell you how much I appreciate hearing from both of you. I didn't expect anyone would answer me for days, and I was so excited to see I had two replies!

Yes, because of you both, I took my first Lexapro this morning and all I can do is hope that it will provide some relief. If not, I'll just keep looking. I have a good therapist, although he took off for four weeks on vacation!

I am normally a happy person. I live with this monster, though--anxiety really does have a life of its own. Sometimes it feels like the devil on the shoulder, telling you that the most horrible things could be happening. I guess that's what Hell is like--endless, constant fear and worry.

When I have more time, I want to explore the spirituality connection here. When I'm freaking out, I stop praying, I stop going to church, I stop thinking about the Higher Power. God vaporizes when panic hits. I'm not a fundamentalist or anything scary, just someone who unfortunately abandoned her spiritual quest. It was not long after that all this started . . . connection? Would be curious to know what others think.

I broke my foot and sprained my ankle missing a step down from the laundry room we have outside. The good thing about panic/phobias is that now I associate doing the laundry with breaking my foot, and my poor husband has washed, dried and put away all the laundry for the last three weeks! Ok, so maybe there is a silver lining around the panic cloud . . . 

Thank you again for your kind words, and I hope to hear from you again.

Sincerely,
Kiwi

[emy]

Hi Welcome to the Group,

Are you from NZ by chance with the name Kiwi? Well, I know how it feels to have other health issues and anxiety together.  I have recently been diagnosed with autoimmune thyroid disease, and my thyroid is swinging from hypo state- to hyper- to hypo again.  Like JereyGirl said in another post, sometimes there are real physical causes for our symtoms.  And then the anxiety magnifies it, and its hard to separate the two.  I just wanted to say when you said you abandon your spiritual self when in the midst of anxiety, I have come to aknowledge that I have done/am doing this too.  I am not a fundamentalist, but I do profess to be a christian, and believe in Jesus, the Holy Bible, prayer, etc.. and all of this goes out the window when I am scared and phobic.  I also can relate so you about the laundry thing, only mine is cooking. I had my first panic attack after cooking a meal 10 years ago for my friends and myself, and to this day, will not cook a real meal, which I am going to consume.  I guess I can cook for my kids sometimes, and make small things, but I associate the act of cooking with fear and panic, and so try and avoid it, which means the task goes to my husband.  He is a patient man thank God, but the rest of my family gives me a hard time for not cooking for my family in the traditional sense.  Well, there are some great people on this site, so you came to a good place for support.

[kiwi]

Thank you, Emy, for your message.

Yeah, trying to disentangle the 'real' medical issues from the anxiety is really, really hard. Although, I realize now that anxiety IS a real medical issue.

I'm not from NZ--Kiwi was a nickname someone invented for me in college. It just stuck.

OK, I'm off to work with my stepdaughter. I am glad to know that I'm not the only one who "left God on the doorstep" when all this started.

Take care,
Kiwi