Not coming to terms with rape?

[Gizmoman]

Ok this is a very touchy subject for me. When I was 25 I went to a bar alone one weekday night and was looking forward to having a good time. I was drinking a small pitcher of beer and chatting with some regulars when I was approached by a man claiming he was from out of town, here on business and just looking for stimulating conversation. After another pitcher of beer shared by me and my new "friend" he decided to buy a round. I went to the restroom and came back and enjoyed my free drink. Now I cannot say that he definitively put something in my drink but I do remember that afterwords I was feeling more intoxicated than I should have been, but I chalked it up to maybe not eating enough before hand. I ordered my last drink, a frosty bottle of brew and called it a night. But before I could leave I started to feel "weird" and the new "friend" offered to drive me back to my place and he would call a cab from there. Now judgment dictates that I should have just called a cab myself since I was not very far from my appartment but instead I let him drive me home. I blacked out from the time I got into my truck and came to with him holding me down from behind. I will leave the details out but I will say that I had no way to defend myself or escape. I was basically overpowered and intoxicated. I remember crying and begging for him to stop though. Afterwords all I could do is lay there in disbelief. He called his cab and left with me lying bloody on my couch. I did not report it to the police because I felt at the time it was my fault that I let it happen.
Now having told everyone here this I want to ask a question. It has been three years since this happened and I don't know how to deal with it. Am I suppressing my emotions by not coming to terms? I don't think about it often and when I do I think that yeah he won that battle and something like that could never happen again. I don't want to report it to the police now because it might be too late, I couldn't help identify him with 100% accuracy, and I don't want to relive every detail that I can recall. After I starting working at a prison as a Corrections Officer I started to have my first panic attacks at home. I don't know if subconsciously I repressed the event so bad that the association of being around rapists upsets, and disgusts me in my mind. What should I do? I am at a loss with this because I just don't know what to do? Anyone have any advice?

[tigerpaw]

Best handled by a professional therapist.  However, you cannot undue what is done. Forgiveness will bring more healing than hatred.

[livvy03]

You can still go to the police, it doesnt matter how long ago it was!!
t the end of the day there is someone out there who is dangerous to other people and it would be worse for you if you knew he was caperble of doing it to other people.

I was sexually abused from the ge of 6 up to when i was 14, it was the hrdest thing to cope with so i know how your feeling but when i became ill and the hospital found out why i was ill i couldnt lie to anyone about what had happened anymore because there was evidence anyway so had an interview with the police and went to court and he got put down for what he did!!
At the time it was the worst thing but now i tell myself everyday i stoped it happening to his next victim and that gives me a posative to live with.

im so sorry about what happened to you, i know exactly how you feel and im 27 now and if this is ny help my life has got easier and easier day by day overtime. I have a child now and am the most happiest mummy alive.

i hope this has helped you.

[tmicrowave]

I think suppressed emotions can play a huge role
it's hard to know how to deal with something like that
and i'm so sorry

[learning to cope]

Once you come to terms with being a victim of assault it can be quite traumatic. I was assaulted for months by a teacher in high school and then during my freshman year in college I was raped while intoxicated by a group of guys. I was so ashamed and confused about both incidences that I never reported them or talked about them until I began therapy in 2008. I dealt with it in my own way but it caused me a lot of pain afterward. Its best that you seek some help from a mental health professional before you even think about pressing charges. Having to relive the incident could be harder if you have not dealt with it. Good luck

[invisible girl]

I understand Giz, I was raped eleven years ago and I did not tell anyone.  In recent years I have talked about it in therapy and what I have learned is that u can't make it not have happened but u can accept that it is not anything u did but rather something that was done to u.  Like a mugging, we don't blame people for being attacked, u have to bring urself to that place where u c this person as the problem and it was ur misfortune to end up in the same place as him.  It doesn't go away, but it does become part of the furniture if u get what I mean.

Hope this helps a little.

[Noahs Mom]

I was raped 5/5/1996.  Wow, it has been a long time... I can relate to the whole law enforcement part of your situation.  A few years after I was raped, I worked for Parole.  I dealt with sex offenders and SDP's all day.... It bugged me... but it helped me to reclaim my power.  I left parole and moved when my rapist got out of prison and released to parole.  I remember the early days, when having to even speak to an s/o directly would tear me up inside.  Sadly, eventually, you just become jaded.

It wasn't until another big event in my life did I actually deal with the rape.  I never realized how much it effected my life all these years.  It shaped the person I've become.  But, it took a lot of hard work and the trust of a great therapist to over come some of the demons that trailed me for years afterwards.

I don't know your story, and our stories are all different... but I am so, so, so sorry that this has to be part of the fabric of who you will become.    Big hugs, my friend.

[Conspiracy Bird]

I think this sounds like this is best handled by a proffesional therapist.
And you must always, always remember that it was not your fault.