Relationship anxiety about the past, not the present or future.

[goestoeleven]

Hi,

I'm new here. I've been dealing with anxiety issues for about 3 years now, but have only now decided to seek help. My anxiety is generally triggered by work, or before that, the job hunt - I feel nauseous and tense before work every time. I don't have any concrete worries about work, though. It's not as if I'm worried about not being able to do the job or being injured or anything. I often wake up early before going to work (which is at my college cafeteria) in order to vomit. Sometimes I force it, simply because it's a choice between vomiting and having my physical symptoms alleviated, or being nauseous all day at work, around lots and lots of food. As I've said, I've gone through this for 3 years and I've more or less learned to live with it, as much as it sucks.

Off and on during the past few years, I'll have a bout of anxiety that lasts a few months. These are generally triggered by girl/relationship issues. I know that some anxiety with such things is normal, but four months of anxiety after being rejected by a girl you took out once and didn't even care that much about is unreasonable. The same physical symptoms are present: nausea, trembling, tension, inability to concentrate, etc. The worst episode was actually the very first, before I knew what the problem was. All I knew was that I woke up every morning and threw up. I ended up losing 20 pounds in 3 months. I'm certain that it's anxiety, as opposed to just being bad at dealing with rejection, because the anxiety symptoms persist long after I've "gotten over" whatever the situation was. But eventually they fade, so I didn't really do anything. Until now.

I'm currently in a relationship with a girl whom I care more about than any one else I've ever met. Everything has gone fantastically well, and we're both very much in love and very happy. Early on in the relationship, we opened up about our past relationships. She told me about an incident that had happened (at that point) less than a month prior, before we started dating, or even hanging out together. Without going into too much detail, her ex-boyfriend (who had broken up with her out of nowhere because he couldn't handle the long distance, leaving the whole thing in sort of flux with no closure... a bad situation) had come to visit (he's friends with her older brother). Long story short, they ended up sneaking off to a nearby park, where they, well... got naked and made out. He tried to get her to have sex (they hadn't before), which she refused. She told me that immediately afterward, she wondered what the hell she had been thinking and was very, very happy that she had refused him, knowing she would have regretted it.

Obviously, when I first heard the story, I was upset. Not with her, just in general. I was confused, as well as simply distressed by the mental image of her with another guy. I felt sad that she had been in a situation like that, even though she willingly put herself in that place. I wondered if she was over him. Over time she more than proved that she is over him, and that she wants only to be with me, and I believe her absolutely. As she put it, she's been stupid and done stupid things, but she's done with that - she doesn't want to be stupid any more. I'm not worried about our relationship at all - it's extremely strong. I have, rationally, and emotionally, put it behind me.

Unfortunately, whatever portion of my mind that anxiety rules over won't let me move on. Ever since she told me what had happened, I've been prone to sudden onsets of distress - imagining that night, questioning the circumstances surrounding it, turning it over and over in my mind. There are other incidents she mentioned that sometimes crop up as well. It's like retroactive jealousy, and I would think that's all it was, but it's become near-constant and impossible to turn off. Also, it brings up the exact same physical symptoms as all of the other anxiety I've experienced. It's gotten to the point where what upsets me now is not so much what happened to her, but that my mind won't let it go. I can't see a picture of her in a park or hear about her in a park without my stomach immediately sinking, and feeling upset for at least a couple of hours. There doesn't even need to be a concrete trigger like that, it can strike completely randomly. It's not even worry, so much as the total inability to control my thoughts or put it out of my mind. It's like every channel on TV is suddenly playing the same movie you absolutely hate.

I've explained the situation to her, and she realizes that it's irrational worry, not some unconquerable jealousy or possessiveness that's causing these feelings. In fact, she's been incredibly supportive, especially for the past couple of weeks, in which the anxiety has gone from every couple of days for an hour or so to about half of my waking hours. It's frustrating for her to know that she is, more or less, the cause of all this pain, but she and I both believe that we can beat it or at least lessen it.

I finally decided to get help, because I refuse to let the anxiety keep me from being 110% happy with her. There's no reason I should feel sad when I think about her. I hadn't realized before this how much I was letting the anxiety rule my life. It's time for that to change. I went to the campus clinical and psychological services and set up an appointment with a therapist, but unfortunately they are booked and I won't be able to see anyone for a couple of weeks. But in the mean time I've started looking into self-help relaxation and meditation techniques. I want to beat this. I can beat this.

I guess I'm not really asking anything, I just needed to share my story. But if you have any advice or comments, I'd love to hear them. I'm glad a place like this exists.

[gloomy]

  Hey good for you for sharing your story with everyone.  I often find that writing something down is therapeutic and helps me get things into perspective.  You are not alone on this forum nobody will judge you and everybody is really welcoming.  Any time you want to vent or rant and rave or ask for advice do so we are all here for youxx

[NightOwl]

You sound almost exactly like me.

When my stomach bothers me TOO bad, I force myself to vomit or I cant take it anymore.

Also mine is ALWYAS "mainly" started by something dealing with a girl/relationship.

If I don't have one, I am depressed I don't have one.  When I do have one, I am scared she will break up, so I don't let myself enjoy it.

I also had a situation where it was a long distance relationship and there was no closure really.  She broke up, but.... I just kept trying to keep her.  That was 3 years ago also.


NOW I currently can't get closeure with my most recent long distance gf.  SHE WONT EVEN SAY WE ARE BROKEN UP, yet she makes it obvious by her actions.


Ao i dunno what to tell you.  I have pretty much got over the LAST gf though, now I am only depressed with the most recent one.  lol  So if you find someone else and it ends up she is good for you and teeats you good, THEN you would forget the old one.    But if you're like me, it is hard to find the right girl or any girl at allr eally. 

[goestoeleven]

The difference is that I have no anxiety at all about the present or future of our relationship. I don't worry that she'll go back to him, or leave me, etc. I just can't stop thinking about that one incident, as much as I want to move on. My mind won't let me. Every little thing, or nothing at all, brings it rushing to my mind, and it won't leave.

Thankfully, she's the best anxiety cure I know. Spending time with her makes me feel entirely cured... but we part, and the anxiety starts again.

[mca1975]

hi goestoeleven,

i really felt for you after reading your story, i know what it feels like to worry about something incessently and it just wont stop and before you know it , its taking over your life!

It seems that this situation has triggered a bit of jealousy in you, which is absolutely normal dont get me wrong. but because you are anxious person anyway, you have worried and thought about it so much that it has manifested itself into a problem all of its own. This worry of yours is probably walking around as a seperate entity by now with arms and legs. im not mocking you, i just wonder if you think of it like that, a worry that has got out of control, that you maybe can just tell it to get lost and leave you alone! get angry with the thought of it. i read on this forum an "inspiration thingy" earlier and it really helped me anyway - it was "This is not me, this is not mine." – Buddhist Mantra.  This really appeals to me and maybe you, as it seperates the thought from your own seperate being, so when you get this thought taking you over, think to yourself that it doesnt belong to you and its being a nuisance and do something else to take your mind off it.  We do it all to ourselves you know, its in our power to make it stop. I really hope this helps you. mca1975 x

[goestoeleven]

Well, I've been making progress. I've been able to get a much clearer idea of what's bothering me, through therapy and a lot of thinking and talking things through with my girlfriend. The anxiety is still there, and it gets better or worse for days or weeks at a time, but I feel like the pieces are in place for things to get much better for me. Therapy will hopefully continue to help, and I've been put on Celexa for my anxiety by my psychiatrist. I've never taken anti-depressants before, but he seems confident that, even if Celexa doesn't work for me, one of them will help.

A major step for me was getting over my self-loathing. After several months of feeling upset and anxious over some small events in my girlfriend's past, I began to really hate myself for being unable to get over these things. A little jealously and insecurity may be normal, but not to the point of breaking down once ever couple of weeks into a teary mess. But, after a particularly bad weekend, I realized something important. My anxiety issues were still just that - anxiety. My problem is much the same as someone who worries about losing his job for no reason or who worries that any small cut will get infected and he'll have to get his arm cut off. There may be a small kernel of real emotion at the core of it, but the anxiety blows things out of proportion and supersedes rational thought. So, while I may have some legitimate jealousy issues, I am confident that I would have overcome them rather easily if it was not for my inability to control my thoughts. Though, I am getting better at controlling them.

I'm hopeful. And that's more than I had two months ago.

[mattymatt]

hey goestoeleven,

i just wanted to lend some support because i understand exactly what youre going through as im going through the exact same thing.  ive just started therapy and have been diagnosed with OCD.  my situation is similar, i have repetitive thoughts of my girlfriend having sex the guys she was with before me, and its not just any sex its basically the dirtiest sex you could possibly imagine.  there have been times i was left alone in her apartment and i would look through everything to try and verify some of the thoughts i was having about her.  its been an extremely depressing and demoralizng experience.  i also completely understand what you were talking about in your first post about the whole park thing.  if my girlfriend mentions her college it triggers thoughts, if she puts on her old college tshirts it triggers thoughts, if i even hear the town name that the college was in in an unrelated newspaper article it triggers the thoughts.  its the most ridiculous thought process but i seem to have no control over it.  some nights i have trouble sleeping as the recurring thoughts/movies replay endlessly, sometimes i get depressed to the point where i cant eat... to make things even worse after weeks of being better and feeling like ive had a breakthrough it can come back full force and set me back to step 1.

however i do have optimism for the future as i have actually come to terms with the fact that I have OCD, and not just know it but actually accept that I have it and its not an inherent moral or character weakness and i think its already helped somewhat.  ive just started therapy and will start taking effexor which will hopefully help me out and straighten out my thought process so i can get off the meds sooner rather than later. 

i just wanted to let you know that youre not the only one..

good luck :)

matt

[hangloose]

Hi,

I have to join the parade and say that I have the same problem probably a lot due to my anxiety/panic disorder (throwing up). I keep on getting an upset stomach when I think about my current girlfriends ex-boyfriends or whatnot. I feel in some way like I am competing with them and always have to prove that I am better. I always also seem to have this urge for her to verify that she loves me, wants to be with me, and not someone else, which I hate that I do – it’s so freaking unattractive. The weird thing is that I try not to show it, but it always does in one-way or another. Sometimes when we go out and eat, where my panic attack usually strikes, I can’t stop to think “oh, if I throw up she will think I am weird, other guys she has been dating could take her out to dinner, if only I could be ‘normal’ I would be able to be the best boyfriend ever, if I throw up she is going to leave me, I don’t want to throw up…” and obviously this makes it impossible to either eat or act normal. I hate it.

Anyone have further tips how to beat this jealousy that is linked to my panic attacks (or maybe its vice versa)?

[NightOwl]

I have felt the same.  I am in a long distance relationship, so it's hard to not be worried or jealous. 

I hope you keep getting better.  Some days I totally am able to not feel this, but it's gotten out of hand some days.

[goestoeleven]

Well, here's an update.

I've been on Prozac for about two months now, working my way up to 40mg, and it's been really helpful. I don't feel depressed very often and the obsessive thoughts aren't triggered quite as much.

Speaking of those thoughts, a major step was my being diagnosed with OCD. Having done a little self research, I'm pretty sure they're seeing me as a "Pure-O" sufferer, someone whose OCD is based almost entirely on obsessional, intrusive thoughts, as opposed to rituals or compulsions. I think they're right - it really makes sense, and I'm starting CBT soon.

If you're interested, here's an article I found on Pure-O OCD that I could really identify with: http://www.ocdonline.com/articlephillipson1.php

[carmen_6589]

Hey, goestoeleven.

Good for you on sharing your problem. it's really nice to see some positive thinkers out there. You CAN beat it and WILL. thats definately the way forward.

I'm glad you seeked help and hope the therapy works well for you.

Hope you feel better soon.

Carmen

[poppapump]

i am also having the same problem... i have been with me fiance for almost 5 years now and just over the last few weeks i have been very upset over the things my fiance has told me about her past flings.  she told me about the guys she was with but the last few times we have talked about it i have noticed names she had not ever mentioned before and the number of flings has gone up... i too have talked to her about it and she doesnt understand why it gothers me so much and i cant figure it out either, she says it happend around 10 years ago but i cant help but pisture in my mind the things she says she did with these guys and i instantly get extremely sick to my stomach and feel like vomiting!!!!  i dont understand after 5 years it is bothering me now and never did back when she first told me about them....?????  she tells me it hurts her when i bring up her past but then she was on this 0409 internet friend thing and she was talking to a couple of these guys and i dont understand why she would want to cause they used her...i keep thinking she is thinking about what happened between her and them and that drives me even more crazy.  i told her my concerns and she was a little upset at first but then she would delete them and speek to them and i started to feel better but it still hits me once in a whil and i cant seem to get over it????  on the other hand i feel more closer to her and want to be with her 24/7...  just tonite we were talking about funny things we did in our party years and she brought up one of the guys and told me something that she never did before but what she and this guy did and i felt a little betrayed cause she lied about what she had done only with another guy and then she told me she did it with this guy and i instantly got sick to my stomach!!!! 

should i talk to her more about it???  we did have a good talk about it but i dont think she really understands how i feel,  i know it is in the past but it feels like i need her to tell me why she was like the way she was and why she did the things she did??  she tells me these things like it was nothing for her to do and that bothers me but on the other she did tell me she did the things she did cause she wanted them to be boyfriends and after all that was done it was more of a wam-bam thank you mam then a relationship.  i guess what i would need her to clarify would be for her to tell me why she kept doing it after being used so many times????

i know i cant change the past but it has been really hard for me to deal with lately..  i was also thinking it was maybe a little nervousness about getting married and the fact that i have a very small past relationship history.  any info or answers would help me alot cause i dont have any firends i could talk to about this

thanks
poppapump

[goestoeleven]

Yeah, that does seem pretty similar to my case, though I suppose more extreme in yours.

Does the anxiety stem primarily from the thoughts of her with other guys, or from the fact that you're still thinking about it?

In my case, it was the former in the beginning, and now it's more the latter. These kinds of thoughts are natural, especially when dealing with things that you haven't experienced yourself or that you didn't think your partner would do. When it stops being normal and starts being a disorder is when it consumes you (as it has me for nearly 6 months) and when you spend more time trying to get rid of the thoughts and feeling guilty about them than actually having them.

Unfortunately, it's hard for some of us to grasp the concept that some people are okay with hooking up without any emotional attachment. I know that it doesn't cheapen what I have with my girlfriend, nor what you have with your fiancee. But that doesn't mean it doesn't bother me. I recently came to terms with the fact that, well, no, I really don't like what my girlfriend has done in the past. But I love her for who she is now, and I'm going to beat this no matter what it takes.

It's incredibly hard to deal with, but if you still love her, even after hearing all of this, and dealing with this pain, then you know you've got something real and special.

If it continues to bother you, definitely consider seeing a psychiatrist. It doesn't necessarily mean it's an anxiety disorder, but it could be. Pay attention to the way the thoughts come to you, and especially how you react to them. That's important for the doctor to know.

Good luck.