WHY IS IT SO HARD TO BE SOCIALAND ENJOY IT?

[PEACEMAN]

I HAVE SUFFERED WITH SOCIAL ANXIETY FOR YEARS, I AM 34 YEARS OLD AND IT HAS GOT A LOT WORSE OVER THE LAST TWO. I WORK IN A MAIL DEPOT AND THERE ARE A LOT OF YOUNG PEOPLE WHO ARE ROWDY, OUTSPOKEN- THE KIND OF PEOPLE YOU EXPECT ARE TAKING THE PISS OUT OF YOU BEHIND YOUR BACK BECAUSE I AM VERY QUIET AND THEN THERE ARE NICE MIDDLE AGED PEOPLE WHO SAY HELLO AND I FEEL SLIGHTLY MORE COMFORTABLE WITHBUT STILL CANT BRING MYSELF TO TALK TO. I HAVE SUCH BAD ANXIETY AROUND PEOPLE IT HAS CAUSED MAJOR DEPRESSION AND HAVE BEEN TAKING SSRIS FOR 2 MONTHS, THESE HAVE MADE ME VERY FORGETFUL AND HAS GOTTEN ME INTO TROUBLE AT WORK, WHICH IN TURN IS MAKING ME EVEN MORE STRESSED AND ANXIOUS. EVERYTHING IS A VISCOUS CYCLE AND I JUST WANT TO DIE. MY WIFE HAS GIVEN UP ON ME AND JUST GETS FRUSTRATED WITH ME ALL THE TIME BECAUSE IM SO LOW AND MOODY, MY BOSSES DONT SEEM TO UNDERSTAND HOW SEROIUS MY PROBLEM IS AND I HAVE GREAT FEAR IN TELLING THEM ITS SOCIAL ANXIETY AND NOT JUST STRESS AS I THINK THEY WONT TAKE IT AT ALL SERIOUSLY. I FEEL LIKE IM GOING MAD AND JUST NEED SOME ADVICE REALLY. I BELEIVE NOBODY LIKES ME AT WORK BECAUSE I DONT SPEAK AND LOOK MOODY ALL THE TIME I SUPPOSE AND I JUST HATE GETTING UP AND GOING TO WORK. ALL I KEEP THINKING ABOUT IS RUNNING AWAY FROM EVERYTHING EVEN MY FAMILY SOMETIMES, I FEEL SO DESPERATE AND HAVE NOONE TO TALK TO. I FEL VICTIMISED AND CANT WORK OUT IF I AM OR IF I AM PARANOID.
HELP.
PEACMAN X

[itsmeesindee]

Peaceman,

I am so sorry you are having such a hard time.  Have your meds decreased you anxiety and depression at all?  The may have to be raised to a more therapeutic level.  Don't let those kids get  a rise out of you as that is all they are after.  As far as people not liking you, the most important thing is to work on liking yourself and your self esteem.  Does it really matter what these people think of you?  You know who you are and that you are a good person worthy of love and respect.  I am 43 and it seems that the older I get the less I care about what people think of me.  I know that not everyone is going to like me and that is okay because I dont like everyone I meet either, it just part of life.

I think your wife will come around as she sees your progress through the meds and therapy.  Try to be a little patient with yourself and your anxiety because you did not get in this state of anxiety and depression overnight and you will not get out of it overnight either.  The  most important thing is that you are working to get better and it will come.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Cin

[pinky5]

Peaceman,

It's nice to hear from you. I have been wondering how things have been going with you and your new baby. Sorry to hear that you're having a hard time at work.

I can relate to what you are saying about the younger rowdy co-workers. I went back to school last year and the average age in college is much younger than me. At 38, I am old enough to be a parent to some of these other students. It is really easy for me to slip into being irritated or threatened by them. If I feel myself going down that road I just remind myself that I was pretty self absorbed and rude at that age. They are just being young, full of energy and maybe not a lot of tact. It's not about you, and even if they are saying something about you behind your back, it's really just about them and their limited view of the world. I smile and remember how clueless I was in many ways at that age. I'm choosing to be amused rather than threatened. They are probably feeling unsure too, just like you and me.

The only way I know to get over this social anxiety is to push myself into uncomfortable situations, and gain strength from making it through. Being in college has been a really hard challenge for me, some days I just come home and cry, it is so hard some days. Then other days I come home feeling victorious because I have felt pretty comfortable in what was a couple of years ago, too much for me to cope with. I make myself talk to strangers. If you talked to a new person every week, or talked to at least one co-worker a day, or whatever you could manage, you would be feeling better soon. I know this is hard, but the more you do it, the easier it gets. In school, I make myself speak up in class. Sometimes my voice shakes, but I keep talking. Sometimes I blush and my throat feels tight and like it's closing up, but I keep going. People are going to look at me and know that I am uncomfortable, because I am, and that's OK. I can't hide how I feel, I just have to work through it. It's really hard sometimes, but you can do it!! You will feel so proud of yourself if you start to challenge your current behavior.

The up side to being in college is that most other things now seem easy. There isn't anything much that is as challenging to me as being in a classroom with lots of other people and being expected to participate in discussions etc. Things that used to really bother me now seem like no big deal in comparison. Doing things that are hard really is the way out of this. Believe me, I spent enough time waiting patiently for a miracle, this works much better.

I am here most days, so if you ever need help, I am here for you.  Please remember that you are not alone in this.
Your life can get better.

Rachel

[GMan86]

Peaceman,

I feel your pain. I suffer from social anxiety disorder and depression as well. Wow, hearing you describe how you feel at work brings so many thoughts to mind. That is exactly how I felt while I was at work or school. Nobody knows the type of pain we are in on a daily basis. Just know you aren't alone and so many people suffer from this disorder all around the world. I am sorry to hear about your problems with the family. I have had problems with my family due to depression/SAD because they just didnt know what was wrong with me. Over the past 4-5 months that has changed DRASTICALLY. They are much more understanding now because they KNOW what I go through on a daily basis and they know I am on the road to recovery. I am currently seeing a therapist once a week as well as a psychiatrist once a week for medication. Are you seeking therapy or taking any kinds of medication?

[PEACEMAN]

HI CINDY,PINKY AND GM86,
CAN I THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR COMMENTS AND HELP AND PRAYERS. ITS BEEN A PRETTY HORRIBLE WEEKEND ..JUST WAITING FOR MONDAY TO COME AROUND AGAIN AND GET AMONG THE WOLVES AGAIN. I HAVE COME OFF CITROLPRAM AFTER 2 MONTHS AS IT WAS STARTING TO AFFECT MY MEMORY AND CONCENTRATION, ALTHOUGH I CANT BE SURE HOW MUCH OF THAT WAS DOWN TO GENERAL ANXIETY FROM WORK BUILDING UP OR THE MEDS, I DIDNT CONSULT MY DOC-JUST STOPPED AND ITS HEIGHTENED THE ANXIETY A LOT OVER THE LAST 3 DAYS.. I WAS EXPECTING THAT A LITTLE.
I HEAR ALL YOUR COMMENTS AND AS I READ THEM I HAVE ALREADY BEEN READING UP ON CONFRONTING MY FEARS AND REALISING I HAVE TO TALK TO PEOPLE EVEN IF I DONT WANT TO, I HAVE TO MAKE EYE CONTACT ALTHOUGH IT MAKES ME SHAKE AND I MUST STOP WORRYING ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE THINK OF ME. YOU KNOW SOMETIMES I ACTUALLLY BELIEVE PEOPLE ARE AFRAID OF ME AND THATS WHY THEY LOOK AT ME FUNNY OR AVOID TALKING TO ME, I HAVE BEEN TOLD I AM GOOD LOOKING AND I HAVE ALSO BEEN TOLD THAT I LOOK ..WELL ..AGGRESSIVE OR SERIOUS, THESE THINGS CAN AFFECT HOW I TREAT OTHER PEOPLE , I FIND IT MORE DIFFICULT TO TALK TO SOMEONE YOUNG, COOL AND ATTRACTIVE THAN I DO SOMEONE OLDER THAN ME AND MORE PLAIN LOOKING, THIS SEEMS LESS THREATENING, DOES ANY OF THIS MAKE SENSE TO ANYONE?
BUT BY THE SAME TOKEN PEOPLE CAN THINK YOU ARE FULL OF YOURSELF AND POMPOUS IF YOU ARE GOOD LOOKING AND DONT SPEAK SO I REALISE ANY OR ALL OF THESE CONNOTATIONS ARE POSSIBLE. MY HEAD IS FULL OF THIS STUFF DAY IN DAY OUT AND ITS THIS STUFF THAT IS DOING ME IN, I HAVE GOT TO STOP ANAYLZING THINGS AND JUST CONCENTRATE ON WORK, IT IS AFFECTING MY JOB ALL THE TIME AS I AM CONSTANTLY THINKING WHO IS LOOKING AT ME OR WHO IS WHISPERING ABOUT ME UNDER THEIR BREATH. IT CAN MAKE A PERSON MAD.
I WILL GO TO WORK TOMMOROW AND TAKE SOME KIND OF SMALL STEP. IM NOT SURE WHAT OR WITH WHO YET.
I AM ALSO GOING TO TRY SOME MORE COG.THERAPY AS I REALLY DO NEED IT. I WANT TO DO IT NOW BUT THAT WOULD MEAN PAYING ATLEAST £50 AN HOUR TO A PSYCHOTHERAPIST SO ILL HAVE TO WAIT ON THE NHS WAITNG LIST FOR ANOTHER 6 MONTHS.
I WILL LET YOU ALL KNOW HOW IT GOES TOMMOROW. THANKS FOR CARING.
BY THE WAY LILY IS THREE MONTHS OLD NOW AND IS ABSOLUTELY PERFECT AND NO TROUBLE ATALL.
ALL OF THIS IS TAKING AWAY FROM MY ENJOYMENT OF HER ASWELL SO I HAVE TO GET BETTER.
PEACEMAN X

[PEACEMAN]

P.S- THE MEDS DID IMPROVE MY ANXIETY QUITE A BIT BUT AS I SAY I HAVE JUST STARTED TO FEEL A BIT VACANT AND I HAVE GOT IN TROUBLE AT WORK FOR A FEW ERRORS DUE TO LACK OF CONCENTRATION. I HAVE EXPLAINED ITS MY MEDS BUT I DONT HAVE VERY SYMPATHETIC BOSSES UNFORTUNATELY.

[PEACEMAN]

HI ALL,
I GOT TO WORK MONDAY MORNING AND FELT SICK AND AWFUL, I WALKED IN AND NOTICED ONE OF MY COLLEAGUES WAS IN EARLY TOO, HE IS FAIRLY QUITE TOO BUT I NEVER SAY GOOD MORNING TO HIM...THIS MORNING I SAID IT (BIG DEAL RIGHT!), HE RESPONDED WITH A PLEASANT GOOD MORNING BACK.
THEN ABOUT 5 MINUTES LATER HE CAME UP TO ME AND MENTIONED SOMETHING ABOUT WORK BRIEFLY WHICH RELATED TO MY JOB, IT WAS NOTHING AMAZING BUT IT MADE ME REALISE THAT IT WAS BECAUSE I MADE HIM FEEL HE COULD APPROACH ME BY SAYING GOOD MORNING TO HIMAS HE WOULD NEVER NORMALLY HAVE DONE THIS.
THIS IS REALLY BASIC STUFF AND I FEEL LIKE A CHILD RELATING IT NOW BUT ITS STUFF YOU FORGET WHEN YOUR WRAPPED UP IN ANXIETY 24-7.
THE REST OF THE MORNING WAS HARDER, WHEN ALL THE OTHER PEOPLE ARRIVED AND THE PLACE GOT NOISIER AND BUSIER I FELT NERVOUS, THREATENED AND CLAUSTROPHOBIC AS USUAL, I COULD NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH ANYONE, I TRIED BUT IT SEEMED THAT PEOPLE DID NOT WANT TO MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH ME, MAYBE THIS IS OUT OF HABIT OR MAYBE BECAUSE THEY ARE UNCOMFORTABLE DOING IT IT TOO.
ANYWAY I TOOK THE MORNING AT A SNAILS PACE MENTALLY AND NOT MY USUAL RUSHING AROUND AND EXHAUSTING MYSELF JUST WAITING FOR THE MOMENT I COULD GET OUT OF THE DEPOT AND START DELIVERING MY MAIL AND BREATH SOME FRESH AIR. IT WASNT THE MIRACLE DAY I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE BUT I FELT STRONGER AND NOT AFRAID OF ANYONE. I WILL WORK ON THIS.
PEACEMAN X

[itsmeesindee]

Sounds like a great step, congrats!  Some times we dont realize how people see us.  I used to be very shy and quiet but since I have become more friend and have made myself more available an open to other people (I ususally just smile at people) they are more warm and friendly to me.

I just wanted to mention one thing from my med experience.  I take 100mg Zoloft then the Doc added 50 mg Seroquel which has made my concentration and memory much better.

Anyway I am glad you are progressing, keep up the great work!   

Cin

[pinky5]

Peaceman,

That's great that you talked to a co-worker! It's a victory!! If you keep taking steps like that, you will be amazed at the difference you will feel over time. You can do it. Keep up the good work!! Don't worry about trying to make eye contact with someone and them not looking at you. They are probably just used to you the way you normally are at work. You might have to be a little persistant with them. Maybe you ignored them in the past when they may have been trying with you? Who knows, just try giving people the benefit of the doubt and remember that they are just like you and me and everyone else out there. We all have more in common than we do differences. If you look at people as variations of yourself, suddenly they don't seem so threatening. Even the most together seeming people are dealing with something in their life, everyone has their struggles.

You and your daughter look very cute, wish the picture was bigger, I can never quite make out the details of photos that people put up here.

Take care and keep trying. Christmas is a really good time to reach out to people, everyone is stressed and can do with a little extra kindness now.

Rachel

[GMan86]

Congrats on taking that step, Peaceman. Social Anxiety is a horrible thing to experience. How is CBT going? Did you start yet?