Life in a box...

[searching]

Ok, I'll try to short hand my story for the sake of time.  I just found this site today and this is my first post.  I'm not normal like other people.  I think I might have GAD and I have phobias of planes, tunnels, elevators, needles, and anything that I can't be in control of. I've just learned of hypnotherapy this year and tried it a little. I'm on no meds and have had a very stressful year.  I'm an ear specialists and took over a very disordered practice in March. Got married in april (first time), studied for state boards all year, took the board in Sept, had my identity stolen and now that it's all over I'm having heart palpitations.  Another phobia is that something physically will happen health wise- so heart palpitations is not easy and only fuels the fire.  I have a wonderfully supportive husband who wants children and I'm phobic of being pregnant.  Once I get that way, there's no way out (for me anyway), and I have no control over it. Plus, there's medical risks during pregnancy and labor that could cause health problems.  Not to mention they stick you full of needles.  My mother and my father have anxiety and my mother suffers from depression and anxiety/panic as well.  Knowing me, you would never know. I'm very successfull and the "star" of almost everything I do.  Inside I'm falling apart.  By the time I come home from work I'm shot.  My shoulder, jaw, and neck muscles are so tense they hurt.  I'm exhausted all the time and cry over anything.  I dread going to work or leaving my house for anything because I just want to stay in bed. I force myself to be responsible and uphold my obligations.  I wish I could be normal. I feel like I"m the only one on the planet this messed up.  I'm the running joke with my four older brothers and sisters.  Ironically I've smoked for 10 years and don't eat right or exercise.  You think that would scare me :)   I first would like to feel like I'm not a freak, that other real people sometimes have feelings like myself.  I used to be agoraphobic, but I've fought through that alone.  I worry that I'm going crazy or losing it and that creates anxiety all in itself.  How can someone be so successful on the outside world and be such a mess internally?  I don't believe I'll ever be able to ride in an elevator, get preg, etc.  It just doesn't seem possible for me.  I do wonder though, if events that were close to other events could be the problem.  For one example, my parent's divorced, I was molested by a babysitter's relative (that lived with my babysitter), and was still allowed to go over to that babysitter's house after the event (and telling my mother who told me to keep it a secret) for quite a time afterwards.  I remember (I was only 6yrs old) also refusing to eat and getting so sick that I would throw up water. Soon after my mother took me to the hopsital and the nurse who was trying to give me an IV could find my veins and had to poke me a bunch. I remember my mother being upset and I remember coming in to that hospital not afraid of needles and leaving it deathly afraid. So, I'm wondering if they timing of events has ever caused anyone else to become phobic or have GAD that lasted for years just because the two events happened close to eachother.  I've never been stuck in an elevator, been preg, or been in a plane crash. So it doesn't seem rational that those things would be an issue.  However, other traumatic events happned at the same time as my fears.  Maybe I'm losing it.  My poor husband doesn't deserve this type of person.  I'm only 29 (nearly 30) and I feel like I've hit a wall. I can't move forward.  I don't know where to turn. I'm tired of living this way, it's been this way since I can remember, however, the list of "won't dos" just keeps getting bigger.  Eventually I won't be able to do anything!

[apple]

I HEAR YOU LOUD AND CLEAR!!!!

I am 31, I have an awesome man who truely deserves far more than I am.
I do have two children tho...they are 10 and 4. they also deserve a better Mom at the best of times.
I am looked at highly in my community for being a good person, friend, always lending a hand, good with children...
My family and close friends know all about my anxiety troubles now because I am tired of having to make excuses for my actions.  (staying home for periods, not returning phonecalls, not wishing to tell people of my stupid feelings that have no rhyme or reason)

My husband tells me:
                     "you are not that monster you see yourself as. that is not you"
                     "I stay because you keep trying,you never give up"
                     "You are honest with your feelings and you let us know what your feeling"
                     "you let the kids know your problem and that its not their fault"
I also was molested by my female babysitter when I was 4 years old.  My Mother is a freak and suffers from anxiety. She suffered as well in her childhood.
She also taught me how to live this way, her toxic anxious life taught me to react to life the same way she does.  I do have some chemical problems that bring on my anxiety, however with the behaviour theropy I have been doing, I have discovered the most of my anxiety stems from my Mom.
Don't get me wrong thou, I love my mother, I understand why and how she became the way she is and that I can't help her or change her.
I am doing better now than I ever have...I have simplified my life and rid myself of many anxieties that I CAN control. that leaves me better able to deal with the stuff I can't.
I smoke too...When I quit for six months I Lost all control of these feelings. I have been on so many meds its rediculous, with side efects as debilitating as the anxiety itself. I decided smoking helped more than most drugs with very little side effects...although people are ok with me taking drugs for this, but not smoking.

I'd love to share more with you, but let me know if your interested or not before I bore you too much.