Ok...now I have myself dead and buried....

[Tweenie]

Last weekend I found a small lump in my breast. Today, I saw my doctor. She had trouble finding it but did when I told her where it was. She felt around and said that she didn't THINK that it was anything to worry about - that it felt like normal breast tissue because there are lots of glands around the nipple area but that she never discounts anything. She is sending me for a mammo and an ultrasound because she knows how worried I am. I had a routine one booked for December 15 and she was able to get me one for MOnday! Now I'm freaking out because I'm afraid that she really is concerned and that it is going to be the worst. I'm so scared, I can hardly think straight. Why is it so hard to think positively? It doesn't help that my best friend has been diagnosed with a recurrence of cancer after having breast cancer 7 years ago and has been given 2 years to live. I'm absolutely beside myself with worry. HELP!!!

[sixpack]

Oh darn it the doctor can't win for losin' can she     You were afraid she would brush you off.  She didn't.  She explained the reason for the little bump but knowing that you are very concerned is ordering the tests to ease your mind.  AND to make things even better for you, she is getting you in more quickly to get you all settled faster...
She sounds a like a very good and empathetic doc trying to make her patient less frightened.
   

[ruthann]

I know what you are going through Tweenie...I went through it last year. Long story short - exams, tests locally. Sent to a surgeon I didn't like...transferred to a cancer clinic. They were very good - dept specialized in b/c (women fly in from all over to go there). I went thinking one breast problem, they found both! I was a mess for a month. Missed work, same frame of mind as you are talking about, and I didn't eat, sleep, nothing. Ended up both were fine! I wouldn't allow any positive thinking in...and didn't see my therapist like I should have.

I'm due for a check up and get really nervous - in fact Im overdue, but will be going soon. They are just very thorough and very cautious. It's their job (which I need to remind myself over and over and over). I wish I had found this board last year while I went through that month of you-know-what. I'm glad they are getting you in quickly so you can let go of this.

I will tell you this....there was not one Dr that examined me who said they didn't think it was anything to worry about. So maybe that will help you 

[Tweenie]

Thanks, Sixpack. Yes, she is an amazing doctor. She was running behind as it was and spent a full 30 minutes with me to check me out and talk about my health (and other anxieties) and has booked a follow up appointment in 2 weeks time. All I could think about was, "WHAT IF??? Am I going to die a slow and agonizing death?" I only wish I could look at statement that she doesn't THINK it is anything to worry about but all I'm focusing on is the WHAT IF scenerio. I HATE that I can't seem to control these terrible thoughts...then I begin to think..well, if I think it, it will happen....gosh!!!! 

[Tweenie]

Thanks for your post, ruthann. It does help to talk to others here, that's for sure. I'm sorry that you had to go through all of those issues. You are right, the doctors have a job to do and I'm lucky that mine is taking my concern seriously. I just wish I could control my obsessive thoughts. My sweetie works out of town all week and is home only on weekends and I don't want to be a depressed mess when he's home. I do enough of that during week.

[forestbythesealady]

I know it's scary. A few years ago they found something when I got my mammogram. I was a mess. I could not function. So depressed. Petrified. It was terrible. Had to go for a second mammogram...it was still there. Went to a surgeon and they scheduled a biopsy. At this point I had already decided that I was going to have them remove the breast if it was cancer. I had read a lot about it (of course) and that was the best way to get rid of it. I didn't care if I had one breast or two, I just wanted the cancer gone! Got the biopsy...and it was benign. phew. Honestly, I don't know how I got through it all. And, there was no talking me down from it. You know what I mean? I was so stuck in my head back then. If it happened again (knock on wood that it doesn't) I feel like I have more tools to deal with it better. And, more anxiety medication! I really wish I had been calmer...I mean, making myself sick with worry did nothing to change the outcome of the biopsy.

I don't know what I can say to make you calmer. I know how hard this is though. What I do know is that your doctor really is doing what she can to get this over with for you quickly. The fact that she felt it was just normal breast tissue is another positive. She wouldn't have said that if she thought it was something worse. And, she is doing what she can to reassure you (getting you in for your mammogram)...which is great. If someone without HA went to her for the same problem, it is likely that she would have said it felt like normal breast tissue and sent them on their way...and they wouldn't have given it a second thought. Not us though! We have to go that extra mile and make ourselves crazy.

SO, try hard to calm yourself a little. Eat ice cream (yeah, that's my cure-all). Spend some good time with your sweetie. And, then you can get the mammogram over with on Monday and be done with it. Just think...by this time Monday you will hear from the doctor that it IS normal breast tissue and you are fine. And, you will be able to enjoy life again. Well, as best as an HA sufferer can enjoy life!

[Tweenie]

Thanks,  forest. Your words did help to calm me a bit. I just finished about 20 minutes of Googling breast cancer forums and all kinds of other medical sites and getting myself worked up into a further tizzy! I haven't eaten dinner yet - although my stomach is growling, I just don't care about food (which is highly unusual for me).

You are right.....no amount of worry is going to change the outcome of anything but we still do it. Intellectually, I know this but just can't seem to control those terrible thoughts. I pray that you are right - that this time on Monday I will be free of this terrible worry. I want that more than anything right now!

[ruthann]

I had to have 2 biopsies...one on each. I thought that cut my chances of having a good outcome in half. I'm like forest..there was no talking me down at the time. I had valium so the few days I made it to work I was a zombie. I probably aged myself another 5 years during that time. But like you said...no worry changed the outcome. Thankfully they were both ok.

I searched and joined breast cancer forums. One was really good...but during that month I learned all sorts of things I didn't need to be adding to my fears. They were very sweet though and kept reassuring me that most were benign and to just keep thinking b9 b9 b9. So I did that the best I could.

[Tweenie]

Oh my gosh, ruthann.....I just joined a breast cancer forum so that I could look around. I realized about 5 minutes into it that I WAS just adding to my already panicked state of mind and got out immediately! How crazy is this??!!

You are all helping to calm my fears just a little tonight. I am very grateful to have your support.

However....I might be back tomorrow needing a shoulder...

[wowthisismetoaT]

My good friend and my MIL both found small lumps recently.  They both went for mammograms, and BOTH do not have cancer.  It is more likely NOT to be cancer than the other way around.

Please don't join breast cancer forums yet!  Can you imagine how someone would feel if they knew you were there and not even diagnosed (and likely don't have it at all)???  EEK

Let me tell you exactly what your doctor meant by "I don't think it is anything, but I will send you for a mammo to ease your worry."  SHE MEANT...."I don't think it is anything, but I will send you for a mammo to ease your worry."  Then, as you were leaving, she went back to the person who schedules mammos and said, "Please get Ms. Tweenie in as SOON as you can.  She is VERY nervous and the sooner we can put her mind at ease, the better."

Let me say this too...I have a good friend who is a dermatology nurse.  When they think someone has cancer or they suspect that a mole COULD be melanoma, they do not send the patient home with a "it is probably nothing."  What they do is cousel the patient on the fact that it does look suspicious.  Then, they sit down and tell the patient what the next steps will be in the process and they "prepare" them to hear bad news.  I think that any doctor who truly is concerned will tell you, "this really concerns me."  I can't imagine that they would care as much about preserving a patients "nerves" as they would about covering their butts with regard to legality.  They don't want you coming back later and saying, "SHE TOLD ME I DIDN'T HAVE XYZ."  KWIM?

Try to think positive thoughts.  Monday is not to far away.  Keep us posted, but I can almost guarantee you will be just fine!

[Tweenie]

Thank you, wowthisismetoat.....good kick in the butt for me tonight and I DO appreciate it. I needed it badly. I will definitely let you know the outcome.

And ....no more breast cancer forums.

[dancer67]

WowthisismeToaT

Awesome advice.

You know, a few years back when they found a "mass" on my kidney. I joined a Kidney Cancer forum. Worse thing I could have ever done. Everyone one there told me that a mass on the kidney can only mean one thing. Cancer. OMG, I was scared to DEATH. Two weeks waiting for a CT Scan, and a very nice nurse asked the radiologist to read my scan right then and there, and it was only an accessory spleen. Not very common, but thank goodness for once, the not very common was in my favor.

And, she is right about the Dr saying "it is probably nothing". Guarantee it is nothing.

Now if I can take that advice and apply it to myself about not getting my period, I would be all set. My Dr didn't even CALL me for a consult after my U/S was fine. I called and scheduled one myself. He kind of said this and said that, but mainly, I have to believe to just ease my fears. He would not have let me walk out of there without scheduling more tests if he had any concerns.

Now come my November appt, if I do not have my period, I do not know what he will do. He may tell me to do nothing. Just wait it out. Or, tell me he can give me Provera if it will make me "feel" better. (That is why he did U/S, not because he thought it was necessary, only to please me).

My high BP. Well, she cannot be TO concerned because I am on the lowest dose possible. And, I know that it is being watched, and I am going to take me meds, and not have a stroke like my father did. Do I WISH I didn't have high BP and not have to deal with this CR**? Yep. But, this is what life has handed me. I should be thankful(and you to) that I have a concerned Dr that is on top of things.

My other Dr didnt give a hoot, and that suits me fine. TO A POINT. But if I really do have something going on, I do not want it dismissed.

I know you will be fine, really.

[scaredpeeps]

Hi tweenie, this post really stood out to me as my best friend has just gone through the exact same thing, she had some breast pain went to the docs and he actually found the lump, he got her in within a week and she had the mamogram and ultrasound and got the results all in the same day, it was a cyst. We always jump to the worst case everybody does but us ha sufferers are even worse. Go get the appointment and just think this time next week you will be all clear and have an amazing weekend. Dont forget to let us all know WHEN you get the all clear.
xxxx

[ruthann]

Yeah, like I said Tweenie, the one I found was very good. But with my anxiety disorder, it gave me a bunch of info I didn't need to know. They had a section for people "waiting for results" who were not diagnosed yet, and most of them had high anxiety about it, but they were there to talk about b/c....not anxiety. Toward the end of my ordeal I finally called my therapist. She told me to get off that board, in fact...off googling, everything.

[Tweenie]

Even after all of your good advice, I had the worst night I've had since this HA all began. I hardly slept a wink. Anytime I did wake up, I'd start sweating, heart pounding and stomach flip flopping. I could think of nothing else but being at the diagnostic centre and them telling me it was something serious.

I am thankful to have more words from you all this morning. I don't know how I am going to make it through these next two days before the tests.

[theunrealme]

I only read the very first post as I dont have a lot of time right now to read the others.....so if this is a duplicate..sorry.

First....right now the economy is hitting healthcare very hard. As a nurse in the profession, I can attest to this. The medical imaging departments outside of the hospitals as well are....SLOW....I too got in to get my mammogram within ONE day...I was surprised at this and asked the tech who told me....times are hitting every field in healthcare hard,even preventive area's like getting a mammogram..............

and, Secondly:  You didnt say how old you are...but I am almost 40 and there are some factors here: are you obese or have a lot of adipose tissue in the breasts? then, most likely they can feel like there are "lumps" in the breasts, and if you give yourself exams every month and know what they feel like, it is usally nothing....the mammogram will be the baseline of this now that your having it done....once they tell you it's nothing....then continue on with  your exams and your looking for...if that lump gets larger, becomes painful, swollen, reddened...then contact your dr...........I will say when your breasts dont have a lot of extra tissue there and you age, you can still find those fatty lumps and it really is common as you age....not so much in y our twenties........

Thirdly: your on a health anxiety forum, of course you are anxious, your friend has cancer of the breasts.....We all have to be kinder to ourselves and realize just because someone else has it, does not mean you will. For peace of your mind, your getting the mammogram, this should help:)  keep us all updated and I hope it's nothing more than a little fatty deposit............

[Tweenie]

Hi, theunrealme: Thanks for your post. I live in Canada and it is always busy here at the diagnostic centres because most of the services are paid for by our health care system. I was scheduled for December but because I found the lump, the doctor was able to push it up - for my peace of mind....I'm trying to believe!

I just turned 47 so yes, I am noticing changes in all areas of my body. I am not obese but am about 10-15 lbs over my ideal weight. I have been getting mammos for a few years so they will have all of my films from previous ones at the imaging centre. I think what is troubling me is that I seem to be getting these vague pains in that breast - not sharp ones - they don't keep me awake at night. The actual lump itself doesn't really seem to hurt and the dr. put on my history that it is small, round and mobile so I hope that is all good.

I just can't seem to shake this dreadful feeling that I have. I can't even eat today. You are all trying to be very reassuring and I appreciate it. I just pray that all is well.

[shrublet]

Hi Tweenie,

I just wanted to pop in to say- you need to allow yourself the chance to be well on an emotional level. While other peoples' stories can most certainly give us great comfort, allowing yourself that freedom takes a leap of faith, and to be quite honest, it's terrifying. It can feel like we are giving up life itself by "succumbing to our illness" and giving up the fight.

Finding a lump in your breast is a scary, scary experience for anyone, especially because the media makes it seem like every lump must equal breast cancer. This is one of the few times, actually, that I commend the media for raising awareness because breast cancer is a very important issue- however, they are targeting it at the people who never go to the doctor about anything. NOT every lump is breast cancer- in fact, I believe that the vast majority of them are cysts, fibrous tissue, etc. And, moreover, from what I've heard, cancerous breast lumps feel very different from anything else you'd be likely to feel in there. They are certainly not round and mobile, in my knowledge.

I think you have gotten some really great input so far. I think, deep down (deeper than you think!) you do know that the chances of you being well vastly outnumber the chances of this being scary. You simply need to allow yourself to trust in that and (I hope it's fair to say) recognize that worrying does not change the outcome of anything. When that idea was first mentioned to me, I dismissed it as obvious and too superficial to be helpful, but it really does make a deep point.

Best of luck! We'll all be thinking of you.

[Tweenie]

Thank you, shrublet:

You are right - intellectually, I know I need to trust in that worrying doesn't change the outcome. I think that my fear at this moment is magnified a million times because I was already depressed and anxious (probably for about the past 6 months). I've had so many "not so nice" things happen in my life this year (mom had a bad fall, dad passed, father in law passed and now best friend dying of cancer). I think my coping pot has just overflowed. I feel like I could cry all of the time but I repress everything and that's how the feelings come out - in the form of health anxiety. Finding the lump was just the icing on the cake.

Like everyone on this forum, I want to be free of this. Thank you for your post.

[Tweenie]

Tomorrow, I have my mammo and ultrasound. I've been a complete mess all weekend. My sweetie has never seen me like this and now I'm worried that he'll get fed up with me and leave! I have hardly slept in two days. Tonight is going to be the worst in anticipation of tomorrow. I can't stand this. I'm so wound up I haven't been able to eat much. I've been forcing myself just so I won't pass out. I feel horrible!!!

[Tweenie]

It is evening now - tomorrow is my mammo and ultrasound. All day, I've had a tight feeling across my chest (where I found the lump) and fair shooting pains in my breast and nipple. I have had this off and on for about a week (since I found the lump). Could I be actually causing the pain to happen or are they going to tell me I have something serious tomorrow??? I even feel it in my right shoulder and in my throat.

I feel like I'm losing it tonight!!! Please help!

[justanothernervousgirl]

I just wanted to say sorry about your best friend. =(
With her diagnosis, it's no wonder how finding a lump in your breast would be doubly scary.

[Tweenie]

Hi everyone:

I had my mammo and ultrasound today and yes.....everything is fine. The technicians and the radiologist were so amazing with me. They saw how distressed I was and they made sure that I understood how they checked and double checked against my past films. The radiologist actually came and talked to me and did a second ultrasound and reassured me that everything is completely normal.

Thank you all for your support and words over the past few days. I know I was still very upset and distressed but you did try to make me see that all would be well.

You are all awesome! 

[trainwreck]

Last weekend I found a small lump in my breast. Today, I saw my doctor. She had trouble finding it but did when I told her where it was. She felt around and said that she didn't THINK that it was anything to worry about - that it felt like normal breast tissue because there are lots of glands around the nipple area but that she never discounts anything. She is sending me for a mammo and an ultrasound because she knows how worried I am. I had a routine one booked for December 15 and she was able to get me one for MOnday! Now I'm freaking out because I'm afraid that she really is concerned and that it is going to be the worst. I'm so scared, I can hardly think straight. Why is it so hard to think positively? It doesn't help that my best friend has been diagnosed with a recurrence of cancer after having breast cancer 7 years ago and has been given 2 years to live. I'm absolutely beside myself with worry. HELP!!!

I think the thing to keep reminding yourself is that the doctor didn't actually find a lump.  You felt something that seemed to be a lump to you, but not to her. (And my guess is that she has probably felt around a lot more breasts than you have.) It also sounds like she knows that waiting for a Dec 15th mammo would give you a month in Hell, so she moved it up. You had the mammo scheduled anyway, so it doesn't seem like she was reacting to what she found.