Anxiety in Relationship

[link88]

Hi my name is Adam, and Im a college student. Ever since middle school I've struggled with anxiety related problems from OCD, to social phobias.  My junior year I decided I wanted to change all that, and get over my anxiety. I started to hang out with friends more and doing things and just trying to enjoy myself. I even summoned the courage to tell my mom about my problems, and see a therapist. Things started to get better, and before long I even asked this girl that I liked since freshmen to the homecoming dance. She said yes, and my confidence soared like no other, and I had so much self esteem like never before. Although I still had that anxiety lingering in me I managed to overcome it and go to the dance with this girl as well as talk to her. A few months after the dance I eventually asked her out and we started dating. At this point I felt like I fully triumphed over my anxiety, and even stopped by therapy sessions. Everything was perfect and my anxiety was at an all time low. I wasn't depressed anymore, and started to fall in love with my girlfriend which brought a mix of such great feelings, and confidence to myself. I had many friends, I was on sports teams, and had my beautiful girlfriend. Everything was going perfect for me and my junior and senior years were the best in my life as I finally had everything I wanted. After highschool ended however things started to change. Towards the end of summer that anxiety/OCD started to return again and those unwanted thoughts started to return.  It all started when my girlfriend and I started getting really close. We really started getting to know each other and telling secrets about ourselves. Then one day I thought if it would be best to tell her something about my past that I found to be really embarassing. Before our relationship, starting in middleschool, I was in to cybersex, and going into those types of chatrooms.  I thought I should tell my girlfriend because its a secret I had to get out and probably in doing so we would feel closer. I had my reservations however, and didn't think it was necessary to tell her, and that she might leave me, or look at me the same way. So I decided not to tell because it was something in the past before our relationship and it didn't matter in the present. But for some reason I couldn't just let it go at that. I kept obsessing over whether I should tell her or not, and if I didn't I wasn't getting closer to my girlfriend. I could not stop this repeating thought, and it eventually evolved into if I didn't tell her I didn't deserve her. This launched me into a depression because I thought I did not truely deserve my girlfriend, and I even sought help on sights such as this. All those wonderful feelings of love started to be eclipsed by the constant anxiety as I felt like I didn't even deserve to have the feeling of love towards my girlfriend. Having that feeling of love taken over by anxiety is the worst feeling I've experienced because what I had thought I had beaten long ago just came back worse and was starting to ruin what made me so happy. I continued to dwell and dwell until the repeated thought just became ingrained into my head. I started getting headaches, and even having a hard time paying attention in class. I couldn't believe how fast I had become depressed again. Eventually when summer time came I decided I couldn't deal with the reoccuring thought, and finally told my girlfriend. She was in shock, and it upsetted her at first but realized that it didn't matter because it was a long time ago and that she loved me, and that it wasn't even a big deal. I was relieved, but found that confessing didn't relieve me of this anxiety and depression. My anxiety almost immediately found something else to dwell on! I began to dwell on the fact that I watched porn once, and lied to my girlfriend that I never did these things. Well the WHOLE process started again and I had that feeling of guilt, and feeling undeserving of her love, and pretty much anything. My depression just kept getting worse and it came to the point where I just lost all my confidence in myself. A year later.... again.....to relieve myself of the anxiety I  told her. She was just a tadbit upset, and said it wasn't a big deal, and although she didn't like that fact that I watched the porn that I was making too big a deal out of these things and that I shouldn't let it get to me like that. After this I immediately started crying and told her about the anxiety and how it was ruining my life, and blowing stupid things way out of proportion. I am depressed and it feels like my anxiety finds every little flaw I do against my girlfriend to be a huge relationship ending mistake and that I should immediately tell her. I know these fears are stupid and irrational but like all anxiety and OCD can't just be turned off. Please help Im at my wits end. I really love my girlfriend, and Im happy with our relationship but I just really need help with myself.

[tigerpaw]

Wow thank you for sharing.  What I picked up, and I am not a phsycologist, is MAYBE a patern that wants to self destruct your relationship. When you were in therapy did you discuss past relationships within your family growing up?  Just a thought.

[FeelingOptimistic]

Hi Link,

Thanks for sharing.  I commend you for being so honest, and it sounds like your girlfriend is great and extremely understanding.  Do you see a therapist or counselor?  I'm no expert on OCD (although I do have a couple rituals) but my specialty is GAD, panic, and depression.  I am sure a professional can help shed some light on why you feel so guilty or unworthy or whatever it is that makes you feel this way.  No one is perfect.  Sounds like your girlfriend already knows that.  Try to be more gentle with yourself.

Take care-
Feeling Optimistic

[danstelter]

I started to hang out with friends more and doing things and just trying to enjoy myself. I even summoned the courage to tell my mom about my problems, and see a therapist. Things started to get better, and before long I even asked this girl that I liked since freshmen to the homecoming dance. She said yes, and my confidence soared like no other, and I had so much self esteem like never before. Although I still had that anxiety lingering in me I managed to overcome it and go to the dance with this girl as well as talk to her. A few months after the dance I eventually asked her out and we started dating. At this point I felt like I fully triumphed over my anxiety, and even stopped by therapy sessions.

Well, this is an easy solution to your situation...do you what you did in the past because it worked!  If you can, see your old therapist, but if you can't, go see a new one.  Your girlfriend was right...you are making a huge deal over making very small mistakes!  The pattern that I have noticed is that everything was going well when you were talking to your mom, your girlfriend, and you were out there doing things and taking risks!  But then, it seems that you decided to start to hide things from your girlfriend, which is reasonable because these things were embarrassing.  However, you must come clean with these things, which you did, but it took you a long period of time and it caused you great distress while waiting to talk about things.  I would go and see your therapist again because now you are in a relationship, which makes life much more complicated that being single.  I want to reassure you that everything will be okay, but you do need to get out there and get talking to people like you were before when things were going well.  Find that old therapist if you can, or find a new one if you can't!  Good luck and let me know if I can be of further help!