Just my introduction

[Witch]

Hello. I've found here because I needed a new chat with nice people, since im so lonely.
Having been in several therapies that all had different diagnosis'es, i analysed myself, letting all this "You hear voices" mischief aside.

I'm 33, and for more than half of my life I suffer fear. I suffer depression as well and made a of dichotome way to regard things (all black and white) my survival habit. Because if thers only yes and no i can make decisions, if there is "maybe" i lack of enough self esteem to decide on my own. I also have features of the "Splitting" disorder however i do not HAVE it. I see people all in all bad or all good, theres no person having both of these features to me, its black and white again otherwise i would not get along with the world. Hard to explain. The rest is easier.
I was always told my personality is not normal, however i refused all their schizo-stuff. In my opinion I might have paranoid-schizoid features without to have the disease. I believe in that I have the reversed version of narcistic personality disorder (there are 2 versions, one the narcistic, being abnormal convinced of your superiority and then the other were you get self esteem only by the confirmation of others, ending up in an addict-a-like way of doing things only for others not for yourself. Working very hard on this actually. I also cut my arms for reasons neither I nor others can completely understand, I started it out of a dumb reason and sincerely continue it out of reasons that show - i AM strong enough to quit the addictive effect but i just dont want. Like it gives me something to distract myself with... Why distract? Because of total isolation, loneliness and the result, pointless life. Since the main thing that limits all my actions is anthropophobia and the Avoidant behaviour (complete isolation) as its result. The anthropophobia aims on that I fear to be hurt in anyway by people. It would take ages to write up what can hurt me (based upon my low self-esteem. I feel very helpless. And that is YET not all, however, the last thing I dont want to mention right now. There is nothing normal with me. However I dont feel embarrassed to be me, anymore.
Last to mention I have no perfect english (is that a disorder xD) because im german, but I hope i can bring my points across.

And one thing you might like to hear:
I used to have OCD's such as touching things, counting things, obeying inner urges (orders) but I have destroyed this problem after almost 20 years of practice by a technique i developed myself with pure will to succeed. My therapist made derided it of instead to congratulate, this was one of the final confirmations i do not get along with these people, sincerely trying to solve things way more on my own than before and thus you know what i think about therapists.

[sixpack]

Hi Witch,

Welcome to the ZONE    I saw you in Chat last night but there was a lot of conversation going on so I don't think I gave you a proper HELLO.     I'm glad you found us and I feel quite sure you will meet some friendly folk here.  I think your English is quite good.  I wouldn't have thought you weren't a native English speaker. 

It sounds like you've done quite a bit of introspection.  I find it interesting that you see things in Black and white.  I tend look at things with lots of gray    But that's okay.  The world needs all kinds of folks.  That's what makes it interesting.

Welcome again Witch.  I'm certain I'll see you in chat again.

[charlie1]

Hi Witch, I too find things easier if things are back or white, yes or no, right or wrong and the like, but as sixpack suggested I find that everything seems to be grey or in between and hence have great difficulty making decisions about doing anything, as there always seems to be an alternate option or way of looking at things. your English is better than mine - what is anthropophobia?

[FeelingOptimistic]

Hi Witch,

Glad you're here!

 I have found this site very informative and the people here very nice.  I think you will, too.

I don't "chat" much but I'm usually around here daily.  I'll see you around the boards.

Welcome!
Feeling Optimistic